Moving....

I'm moving my post to WordPress, and in doing so, reinvesting in the gift I receive from sharing my story -- from putting down in words what I'm thinking, feeling, experiencing.  So, please join me over at http://ctrecoveryjourney.wordpress.com/     T.

Revisiting my formula...

Yesterday I was with some friends in recovery, hanging out after the long holiday weekend. Somehow the conversation got onto engineering and math geeks and I mentioned I had come up with a personal formula for recovery when I was in treatment.  (Earlier post with my initial formula)

I showed it to one of my fellow geeks and after looking at it, she blurted out "but you're missing one thing -- other people."


I about fell on the floor.

Of course.

She was SO right.

And this isn't about being right or wrong...it was just an amazingly quick but insightful observation that spoke volumes to me...it cut right to the heart of what I've been experiencing lately...or missing lately.

As I look back, I still have a tendency to keep my distance from others, carefully guarding my inner struggles with a mask of "fine" or "ok."  When I do get into a tough situation, my natural pattern is to isolate and try to get through it on my own.  These are the patterns that have helped me survive thus far in life (on one level...), so it's natural I fall back on them.  But, I know from my own experience thus far and from what others tell me -- that approach won't work going forward. This is a "me" program that we do together.  I need the experience, strength, and hope of others around me.

I also realize that when I do hang out with others, I am not investing as much time and energy into getting to know them as I could.  The power of a question...asking about their experience.  Or just simply sharing about life.  Or doing things together.  It's been so long since I've built healthy friendships, I am not used to going beyond the initial surface...moving beyond the shallow but necessary "where are you from? etc." crap that can lead to a deeper friendship.  It's hard to just let go, experience, share and be. As one person reminded me, "come early and leave late...hang around the rooms."  I do that on one level...but I need to spend that time interacting and getting to know people.   Connecting...

But, I'm open and willing...they tell me that's what I need to grow and (re)discovery who I am.

So just for today, I will seek out others.  I'll revisit my formula and acknowledge that it IS missing one thing...the other people in my recovery.

Checking my motives...I'm back!

In May, I had started to notice a shift in my motives for this blog.  I was paying more attention to the tracking metrics of how many people were hitting the site than I was my step work.  I was more fascinated by the ratio of new to repeat visitors and which blogs were being read the most than I was by the sharing I was hearing in meetings.  Quite simply - my motives shifted and they needed to get back in check!

So, I've taken some time for me this past month.  I've needed to refocus, check my motives, reengage in my job search and balance some aspects of my life.  With a week of traveling and a week of family visits, I looked back on the month and realized I hadn't posted for a single job since April 26th!  While I believe my Higher Power is in control...and I'm powerless over the sale of my house, finding a new job, etc -- a job isn't going to fall into my lap!  I need to do the legwork -- the next right thing.

But, in recent days, I've felt like getting back to my blogging.  It does help me to write and be aware of what is going on.  Throughout the day, if I know that I'm blogging and doing a photo journal, I find myself that much more tuned into life's little messages.  And, being a little more tuned in helps me be more present, more connected with my Higher Power, and more aware of others around me.  All that is good!  Very good for my recovery!

And, I'm giving myself a break...easy does it!  If my motives aren't pure, that's ok!  As long as in the balance, they are more ego-less than ego-centric, I'm ok.  A line from Invictus reminded me of this.  The captain for the South African rugby team is meeting with Nelson Mandella.  Mr. Mandella asks him how is ankle is after a recent injury.  "To be honest, you never really play at 100%" -- to which Mr. Mandella responds, "As in life..."  So yes, I'm rarely firing on all cylinders, perfectly balanced...and yet, in spite of that, my HP finds way of bringing good out of my actions.

I thank a couple of people who have written me recently on Facebook to let me know how this blog has impacted them.  I'm an open book because I've been given the gift and willingness.  As they say in the rooms, I do it selfishly because it helps keep me clean and sober.  But, if in doing so, someone's Higher Power is able to use something I've experienced and written about to touch someone else, then Glory to HP!

And no, that's not a competitive plug against Dell or IBM ;)

Day 146 - Addiction doesn't discriminate...it's a shame we do ;)

I was meeting some friends today to go to an event.  Due to heavy traffic and event parking limitations, we agreed to meet somewhere then head over in one car.  I suggested my church parking lot, on the near north side of downtown.  One of the guys didn't want to meet there as he was afraid to leave his car "in the ghetto."  So, we agreed to meet at one of the local Catholic school's parking lot's in a trendy part of town near the event.  Turns out, this was the school my friend attended as a youngster.  In the end, I parked my car and we rode in his car.  As we were leaving the area, he asked "Did you lock your car?"  When I answered yes and asked why, he told us that when he was growing up, he used to come to the lot and check for unlocked cars and steal their change.  He didn't want anything to be stolen from my car.  Hmmm...  Funny how we see in others what we are sometimes afraid to see in ourselves.

I tell this story because I've heard the same comment from other friends about attending certain self help group meetings in different neighborhoods around the city.  One guy said he didn't care for a certain meeting room because it was "in the ghetto."  His comment has always stuck with me simply because of my life experience with respect to diversity.  Funny thing - I learned early on in recovery, as I sat in a treatment center with men & women who were from various ethnic backgrounds, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc...we all had the same story.  We all had our bottom.  We all fell victim to the same disease.  It didn't matter if I was homeless, or a chief executive...a housewife or an auto mechanic.  This disease is the great equalizer.  And, if I look for the differences instead of the similarities, I run the risk of missing the gift of someone's experience, strength and hope.  And it is that gift, along with the grace and love of my Higher Power, that helps keep me clean and sober...and one day may literally save my life.

Tonight, I went to a self-help meeting "in the ghetto."  I was the only white man in the room, and one of only a handful of white people out of the 30+ in the room.  I may also have been the only gay man.  There was one woman in a wheelchair.  The youngest was probably in his early 20's...the oldest was in her late 60's.  Bottom line, there was diversity.  And yet as we went around the room and shared, there was nothing different in the stories than I would have heard in one of my more regular meetings where I'm less of a minority.  And I connected with something that each person had to share -- heard a couple insights that gave me a different way of approaching a couple areas in my life -- and left feeling just as energized, peaceful and inspired as I have almost every meeting.  There is no better than or worse than -- we truly are equal.  Even outside of addiction, we are all blessed children of a loving God / Higher Power, however we are able to see and understand Him/Her.  And to put labels and hierarchy is such a shame...such a missed opportunity.

I pray that my Higher Power continues to grace me with eyes to see and ears to hear...and where I fall short, the willingness to admit my faults and forgive myself.  In doing so, I'm in a better position to love others and see their brokenness as the same, no better or worse than mine.

Day 144 - Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through

They say that my stinking thinking got me here...that if I really was "all that" and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness -- to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong - to be in control - to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this...TWICE!  I particularly like the one book's way of framing things.

"Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources."

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference - the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said "You may discover that your greatest 'flaw' is in fact your greatest asset."

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story - to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can't keep it if I don't give it away, they say.  I don't know where this journey will take me -- I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest...and let my Higher Power be in control.  It's in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 142 - Taking back control...a lesson in self-will

I've learned recently that my recovery isn't just about admitting I'm powerless over my addictions.  It's really about admitting I'm powerless over life in general.  Life happens.  I'm learning how to live it on life terms, not the terms of a meth addict.  In doing so, I must learn to give up control.  Otherwise, the stress and futility of being back in the driver's seat will drive me to drink or use again.  Literally.

As I learned this painful lesson, I started to incorporate admitting I'm powerless over x, y, z in life into my daily prayers.  Every morning now, I turn over the sale of my house, my job search, and my legal situations to my Higher Power, admitting I'm powerless over their outcomes and leaving them in His hands.  I do the legwork -- "do the next right thing" to make sure I'm doing my part.  But, beyond that, it's out of my hands.

I do pretty well with the legal situation - because in my heart, I know I'm truly incapable of influencing the outcome.  The best I can do is stay clean and sober -- the rest is up to the lawyers and the judge.  But, in situations like the sale of my house, it's easy for me to get "conned" into taking control back over.  That happened this week for me - and it was a lesson in self-will.

I had a project to finish - laying flooring in one room.  It's been a need long before I got clean and sober -- another unfinished project.  As an active addict, I didn't care.  As a recovering addict, I still fall into those patterns of thinking sometimes.  But, I realize that I'm also afraid of failure - of screwing it up.  Without realizing it, that fear grips me and keeps me sometimes from even starting, from even trying.  I'm also a perfectionist.  And again, without realizing it, sometimes the fear of not doing something perfectly keeps me from doing it at all.  Sound logic right - if I never do something, I can't fail...and I can't do it incorrectly (not perfectly) if I don't do it at all!  (And sometimes I question whether I really need to be restored to sanity - to sound thinking, with sound judgement!!!)

I know that approach is not realistic...and it's not living life on life's terms!

But more importantly this time, I now realize that I put SO much pressure on myself to get the project done before the next showing that I started to believe that the outcome of the next showing was 100% dependent on the project being done.  If I didn't do this, the house wouldn't sell!  I had taking back control of the house sale.  It wasn't the realtor, it wasn't the buyer, it wasn't my Higher Power controlling the outcome.  It was CT -- and the awaiting floors.  About mid-way through the project -- when it was clear I wasn't going to finish in time, after procrastinating and dawdling, I kinda lost it.  I got frustrated and stressed enough that I threw the hammer down (on the sub-flooring thank goodness!) and screamed out loud -- "I can't do this - this is crazy."  In my mind, I was telling myself I was stupid, incapable, hopeless...nothing had changed and I was just as crazy as before.   The next thought in that sequence would be "so I might as well go back and use, cause at least I'd feel good!"

I stopped, and took a deep breath.  By God's grace, I realized I needed to shift my thinking...or this would continue, and that next thought would come to mind and perhaps, get played out.  That was my normal pattern - - get frustrated and overwhelmed, but in true competitive spirit, never admit defeat.  With the tools of recovery, I had a choice.  I could change the direction of my stinking thinking!

So, I stood up and stopped.  I went downstairs and laid down.  I started to pray, to re-center on my Higher Power and the spiritual truth that I wasn't in control - He was.  The outcome of the house sale wasn't in my hands - it was in His.  The sale did NOT depend, as arrogant and self-centered as it now sounds, on the sole effort of laying new flooring in the room!

I let go, and let God back in.

Now, do I still need to do the legwork - yes.  Should I continue to procrastinate and let fear grip me - no.  But, can I do the legwork in a calm, peaceful and joyful manner, knowing where it fits into the bigger picture?   Absolutely.

So, I think I'll hop out (again) of the driver's seat and settle back in for the ride.  I have a much better chance of getting where I need to go! ;)

Day 135 - Power-packed healing from my past

Yesterday was a POWERFUL day of healing for me.  I think there are probably about 3 posts in here!  But let me get started and see where this goes!

I've shared before that I was fired after 19+ years with the same company related to my addiction. I've learned that resentment can be the downfall of an addict -- my downfall.  So I've worked hard to turn this over to my Higher Power so it doesn't eat at me.  Almost every morning, I include prayers for the people involved.  It usually goes "I pray for C, S, L and others involved in the decision that they may grow in their understanding of addiction."  I learned somewhere that if I'm pissed off at someone, praying for them helps shift the focus towards compassion, understanding and love.  It's been helping.   But, I learned an even deeper lesson this morning.

Yesterday, I had three separate incidents where people from my old place of employment showed a "personal touch" to my situation and helped restore some of my faith in people.  Again, more lessons to sum up - but let me highlight the three situations (for my own memory!)

First, I got a note from a colleague.  The portable PC/video projectors from my former teams are labelled per the administrative custom with my last name -- so SMITH#1, SMITH#2.  It helps with the scheduling, tracking, etc.  One went missing so one of the area AA's sent out an email to the building - "Projector Smith#2 is missing."  It sparked an email from my colleague: "This reminded me that the REAL Smith #1 is missing from our midst!   Hope you are doing well...think of you often and miss you here."  That meant SO much to me!  I know in the recent months & years before recovery, my reputation as a leader and people-person had suffered.  I own that.  But, amidst that, it's comforting to know that it wasn't all negative...I still have people that see through that and know, love and miss me.  Wow.

Second, I was talking to my dad about the situation leading up to my termination.  He hadn't want to tell me this earlier, but shared with me that after I was fired, he actually wrote the president of the division (F.) in which I worked about my situation, asking that the company reconsider their actions.  That BLEW me away.  I know my dad loves me and he has been an amazing support.  It hasn't been overbearing or codependent - just a healthy, supportive love.  For him to have taken the time to "go to bat for me" meant a lot to me.  But again, it didn't stop there.  The president (who I have interacted with a number of times and for whom I have a LOT of respect) actually wrote back!  And, it wasn't a form letter, blowing my dad off.  It was a personal letter, written and signed by F.  He said he looked into the situation -- and knowing F., he did.  He's just that sort of man - he has that sort of character - and amidst the responsibilities, pressure and situations he's faced with, he has managed to maintain a personal touch and concern for the people in his organization.  Wow.

Finally, I reached out to a former colleague who is fairly high up in the organization.  Like F., she is at the executive level, interacts with C-level management, etc.  On a personal level, she carefully looked into some questions I had and responded to me.  Without getting into the details, she shared some facts that restored my faith in some people involved.  When I hung up I was overwhelmed.  Again, like F., her true personal character shined through the processes, the bureaucracy and administrivia.  She demonstrated that amidst it all, people can still show the personal touch...the care, concern to "do the right thing."  Even if she and F. couldn't change the situation, they took the time to look around and respond.  That meant a lot to me.  Wow.


So how does this all fit together?  What was my HP trying to teach me?  Well, like an onion I probably only have the first layer.  But here's how those three came together.

Last night I had a dream.  In that dream, the company was trying to send me a final check.  But, due to a mixup with the printing, the computer, the process -- we all know how that can work against us! -- the check couldn't be processed automatically in the system.  They were stuck - they couldn't do what was needed to be done!  And, in many places & times,  But, the CEO got involved and said, "just get me the old checkbook and we'll write CT the check and take care of this."  And, so I was handed a personally signed check -- written out to me, in his hand, signed with his actual signature.  And, I literally woke up crying.  Honest.  The dream was so real, I woke up crying.

As I thought about it -- and prayed..."God, what are you showing me?" I got my answer.

First, the tears were not of sorrow. They were of healing.

Second, all of those mornings that I prayed for C, S, L and others...I now realize they were just cogs in a wheel -- part of the necessary processes and bureaucracy of a large organization.  I wanted to be angry at them and make them out to be the bad guys.  But, I learned some facts that would indicate that's not the case - that they did care about me, my situation...but were trapped, limited in what they could do.  While that doesn't necessarily mean the organization made the right decision (IMHO), it allows me to forgive them as human beings involved, and see them with compassion.  Like I've learned elsewhere, hurting people hurt.  Well, just because people stuck in the bureaucracy of an organization hurt others, it doesn't make them bad people.  Corporate people hurt...in a sense.

Third, I realized that while I was praying for them to grow in their understanding, ultimately, I was the one who needed to grow.  I was the one who needed healing.  And, God did just that.  Not me - Him.  In praying for others -- in doing the next right thing and staying centered, by God's grace, in a spiritual place, God ultimately worked on my heart and helped me forgive and let go on an even deeper level.  Some of the forgiveness I had experienced to date was on a somewhat shallow level -- and necessarily so.  I was going through the motions - not in a bad way.  I needed to keep praying for forgiveness and compassion even if I didn't feel it as deeply as I should.  In doing that...over and over and over...God slowly changed my heart.


I have heard stories of our CEO doing some pretty amazing things to make a difference - personally.  Again, without getting in the details, I can remember specific situations where he intervened and "did the right thing," adding a personal touch to a pretty public company position on a very sensitive issue.  In doing so, I grew to respect him personally as a leader - as a man of character.  And, through the actions of the three people yesterday -- underscored by my dream -- some of my faith in the company, in the people of the company, to "do the right thing," was restored.  As the leader of the company, his character shines through -- people are able to follow his lead -- and I know that all is not lost just because of one incident...it's not black or white, good or bad...there is still respect for people.

What healing...what growth...what insights.  By God's grace...

Day 132 - A lesson in recovery...nearly 100 years in the making

I haven't been blogging as much lately - been on the road visiting my family.  My 97 year old grandmother is with us now - so we have 4 generations together for the first time since my ten month old niece was born last summer.  Our last reunion was for my grandmother's 95th birthday.  Since then, my addiction got more active...and I chose to stay at home in Indiana for #96 and #97 because I knew my supply was guaranteed.  I chose drugging over family.  I'm so grateful for where I am today.

The topic at a meeting I was at tonight was Living in the Moment.  I reflected on the last couple of days, and got an amazing lesson in recovery.  I thought about the first day with my grandmother when she was reintroduced to my two dogs.  When she saw the dogs she asked me "are those your dogs?"  I told her yes and told her their names.  About ten minutes later she asked me again "now are those your dogs?"  I answered her again, and told her the story of how I found them.  Although her long term memory is impeccable, her short term memory is failing.  After about 6-7 times of asking and me patiently answering, she started to remember they were my dogs. 

As I reflected on living in the moment...in a sense, she has the gift of being able to live in the moment!  To a certain extent, she's stuck in the present -- but what a better place to be than being stuck in the past or the future.  When I live in the past, resentments can overwhelm me.  When I live in the future, fear can paralyze me.  When I do either, I risk missing what's going on in the present.  But, if I stay stuck in the present, I am able to enjoy the precious gift of life in front of me.

I'm so grateful to be back in life, able to create memories with my family and enjoy the gift of today!

Day 126 - Hurting people hurt...so find the source of the pain!

A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I've been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging...  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...

I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out.  I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on.  That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out."  My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn't make them go away.  I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass...  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance

A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn't.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  

He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment."  Self reliant - confident - in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.  

In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation.  I'll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.

Day 120 - Family ties that burden our hearts

The devotional I read this morning spoke to the family ties with this disease.  Addiction is a family disease but we could only change ourselves.  As an engineer, three data points make a trend.  And I had MORE than three data points on this in the past 24 hours.  So, I'm moved to share.

I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction.  That's been weighing on my mind.  What can I do to help?  What can I say to ease her burden?  What have I learned through my experience?

To add to the trend,  I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction...suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life.  I was at a loss for what to say.  I had lunch with a friend today who's ex-spouse went through a similar "full regiment" of treatment to mine.  She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well.  He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years - they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice.  I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial.  And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who's brother is starting down the long road of recovery -- and the painful "tough love" choices her family has had to make over the years.  Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.

The answers to these situation are so tough.  I know - I'm there myself.  And I see it in others' eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B's father's voice when we talked on the phone about Michael's relapse during treatment after inpatient.  They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24.  For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised.  He broke into my house and stole from me - an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery.  I could hear the grief in his father's voice that night - yet I'm sure he was no longer able to shed a tear.  They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go.  Today, God only knows where Michael B is...

As family members -- mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers -- there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own.  The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power's care.  I am so used to doing, helping...and yet, in these close blood relationships, it's the most dangerous thing I can probably do.  It can do more harm - I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love...the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help.  It only sent me further into my addiction.

So what then?

Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer?  Go to jail?  Lose everything?  Lose hope?

No.  Don't just do something.  Stand there.


Well, kneel there...and pray.  Turn it over to my Higher Power.  It really tests my faith.  Do I believe in the power of prayer?  Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?!  Can I let go and let god?

I think back now on my church's prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911.  I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me.  My sister had my listed with her church.  And I can see the results today...my Higher Power at work in my life.

And yet, I face my family members addiction...or the conversation with the woman from church...and I wonder what to say.  I doubt the power of prayer.  Why?

Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for "the addict who still suffers," I whisper 4 names to myself -- Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart.  Why?  Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer.  I believe.  I've seen it work.  For those four especially, it's all I can do.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

Day 118 - Sharing my story

When I entered treatment in December 2009, the ministers and friends from my church were a major part of my care.  Today, I was asked to share my story at church in our "Lessons from the Contemporary Church" -- essentially a mini-lead.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the work my Higher Power is doing in my life. I've already made at least one connection with someone who wants to talk more about their son who is my age and may be in addiction.  My prayer before I spoke was that He would use His message to touch someone's heart...  I was also able to meet a woman from the prayer chain; she recognized my story from recent months.  I was so thankful that we have these silent but powerful prayer warriors...

The scripture passage was about Saul’s conversion, from Acts 9:1-20.

Here's a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3

My name is CT. I am 41 years old.  I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you. 

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. My main drug of choice was crystal meth, but I’ve used a variety of drugs since I took my first pill at age 33.  During that time and since college, I’ve also used alcohol as a drug.  I started drinking and drugging because it felt good.  That’s where it always starts.  But eventually, things got out of control.  And they always do for the addict or alcoholic.

Initially, I didn’t use drugs that often.  But, in the past 2-3 years, things got pretty bad for me.  I have always felt out of place for one reason or another.  I have been pretty successful career wise -- 19 years with the same company, moving up the company ladder with 2 international assignments and 5 company moves.  Yet even with all that money and success, I felt like an impostor -- and was afraid that someday someone would figure out that I really wasn’t any good.  I felt inadequate in most areas of my life -- but I knew how to play the game and wear the mask. 

But the more I played this game, the worse I felt about myself. I began to lose self confidence.  Two years ago, my life started getting pretty bad.  I had a stressful project at work, a boss who I didn’t like, and went thru the ending of a 7 year relationship.  Of course, if I hadn’t been drugging so much, I might have been able to deal with all that.  But, I used more and more to feel less and less.  I isolated myself from friends and family.  I stopped coming to church for most of last year.  And, my drug use in the last year and a half grew to pretty much every day.   Quite simply, I used drugs to escape life.  

I can remember some pretty rough nights towards the end of last year.  I felt very empty.  I finally reached the point where I couldn’t continue living like this.  I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.  On December 21, 2009, I reached my bottom...I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to live or die.

Fortunately, that Monday night, I chose to live.  Even though I had stopped coming to church last year, my pastors had both reached out to me.  They didn’t know about my drug use, but they knew I was in a world of hurt.  Pastor Mike and I had been meeting for breakfast every other Saturday for most of last year.  So, when I chose life that night - literally - he was the first person I called.  

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in the town where I live.  Several people from my church drove out to be with me.  And I found out later, the church’s prayer chain was kicked into action while I was still on the phone with 911.  I was admitted to the best drug & alcohol treatment center in Indiana the next day, spent a month off work in treatment, and have been in recovery since then.  I will celebrate 4 months clean and sober on Wednesday, by the grace of God.

I’ve learned that I have the disease of addiction.  But, by relying on God every day, I can make it through each day clean and sober.  I don’t have to use drugs to deal with life.  

I now see life through a different pair of glasses.  The job I returned to was just as stressful as when I left - but I have changed.  The boss I worked for was still the same -- but I have changed.  

This process of recovery takes time - it’s like learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  It will take a year or two for me to fully learn how to live life without drugs -- and even then, this is a life long process of recovery.  And some days, it’s been tough...and I’ve been tempted to give up and go back to what is comfortable - as crazy as that sounds.  It’s true.  But I know that if I stop using the tools I’ve been given, I will go back to using or drinking.  And next time, I may not survive.  Most of us don’t.  Not many of us - most of us.

Even amidst all of this, I know that God’s hand has been on me over the past 3 years. I have an amazing peace and am thankful for everything that has happened.  I know this is exactly where I need to be because of the amazing things that God is doing in my life already.  When I returned to work, people told me I was a different CT.  I’ve had so many friends and family tell me how much better I look and sound.  Others can see the transformation that I feel in my heart.

Let me close by being clear about one thing - this story nothing to do with CT. This isn’t about me being strong and getting my life back under control.  This is about turning my life over to God. Like we’ve been taught here at our church, this is about remembering my baptism...every single day.  Literally, I don’t leave my house no matter how late I am unless I get on my knees and pray -- and I admit my powerlessness over my addiction and over the things that happen in life.  I have been resurrected from that point of bankruptcy and given new life.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...

I've written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass!  And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned.  This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit.  People go out, and most don't come back.  People die.  It's that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren't that relevant.  The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously.  I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don't.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.



It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It's that simple.



Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.

Day 115 - Regaining my voice with NVC

In recovery, I've learned that drinking and using weren't my problems...they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper - more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my "voice" for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community...I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn't work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.


When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify.  So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT.  Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be!  Funny...that exact line is from my "step one" video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my "day zero" -- the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment.  Susan Boyle's debut album had a song titled "Who I was born to be."  In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string...the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
              And though I may not
              Know the answers
              I can finally say I am free
              And if the questions
              Led me here, then
              I am who I was born to be

              And so here am I
              Open arms and ready to stand
              I've got the world in my hands
              And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication.  It's a way of connecting with one's self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one's needs as well as seeking to understand others' needs (stated or unstated), there's a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice.  It takes conscious work - and much like I'm learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it's a lot easier to live in that "space" of compassionate communication.

I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight.  Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I'm able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received.  By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!  

The first situation was at dinner.  Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation.  I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table.  I didn't yell at them. I didn't pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate.  Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone's needs have equal value -- through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone's needs can be met.  So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment.  Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.   

Did I do it perfectly?  No.  Was it perfectly well received?  Not necessarily.  The individual got a little defensive, and didn't seem very happy.  Next time, I'd probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected.  But, this isn't about perfection...it's about progress.  So, I was glad I "got my voice" and spoke up.

The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week.  The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting.  They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me.  They were whispering in my ear.  I politely tried to ignore them without being rude.  I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.  

They started off the exchange saying "sorry to distract you at the meeting."  But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added "but I think you like it."  So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior.   I simply asked, "During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority.  I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy.  Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?"  Not a demand, a request.  Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily.  But he was understanding and agreed to stop.  He apologized and said he didn't want me to think poorly of him.  Again, I hadn't judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz.  So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: "I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better.  But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it."  

It's usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this...it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation!  But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I'll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I'm looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I'll become in my recovery and confidence.  One day at a time...easy does it!  But, progress feels good!

Day 114 - Reconnecting and filling out my past...

I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships...centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total -- and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group.  In fact, my "CP family" has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.

M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.

When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on.  (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...)  I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you.  You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great!  Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you."  What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording!  I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person!  This was a first!  Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc.  Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better!  She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!

We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed.  I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing.  She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest.  Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.  And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...

M, I love you as a sister.  I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me.  You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days!  I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...

Day 110 - The Power of a Question

I was talking to a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation.  At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right!  There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way.  I might have been spared some pain.

But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion!  I never asked for help.  I never sought counsel.  And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice.  They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place.  If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat?  And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing.  Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!

So why am I putting this on them?!?  It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability!  What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice.  That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives.  It's still up to me to make choices and take action.  But it helps me with different points of view.  It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability.  I know I didn't "put those vibes off."  If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!

It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives.  They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?

Day 106 - Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty

I've been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can't really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.

I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment.  I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated.  But my heart's not in it.  I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.

I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern.  Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head.  I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours.  I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest.  This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment.  I don't need to be obsessing about this.  The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent!   So, I'm trying to put that aside.

Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off.  So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams.  And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears.  I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out.  I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.

I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!).  I got down on my knees and started to pray.  I asked my Higher Power to take this away.  I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God!  I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing.  But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley!  It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience.  The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take.  Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!

I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines.  The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?"  I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship.  And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster.  I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently.  It's just getting there!

In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period.  It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors.  Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice.  It doesn't happen in 90 days!  On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth.  So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next.  I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen.  But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome.  It's just finding that balance.

The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore.  I can face life.  I can face the uncertainty.  I can face the challenges.  I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!

Day 105 - The joy of honesty & accountability

I'm out visiting my sister and her family this week.  She's been having a lot of abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting for 2-3 days. After talking to her family doc, she was advised to head to the emergency room.  Four hours later after multiple tests, they came to a diagnosis and sent her home with some meds for the nausea and pain.  As the nurse handed me the meds (being the attending family member) which included narcotic pain pills, I could see a knowing but caring look in my sister's eyes.  She whispered "You're not getting any of those!" And ya know - it felt great!  She wasn't lecturing me or being condescending - it was half joking, but with a loving tone.  After all, I had taken Xanax and narcotic pain pills from my mom and grandmother. So now the big family joke is "Guess Mom will lay off CT for having copied his sister's English paper in 9th grade."  That was about the worst trouble I got into growing up...or at least the story that [used to] top the list of mom's terror stories from my childhood.  Needless to say...I made up in later years ;)

What was really great about this was the level of freedom my honesty had brought. When I hit bottom, I made sure all of my family & close friends knew the whole truth. It was the deception and masks that had gotten me into so much trouble.  Even my 97 year old grandmother was told, and I've received such an outpouring of love, support & understanding across the board.  That in turn helps my recovery through a sound, broad support network. My sister stayed at my house for a week while I was in treatment, visiting every day.  My dad came for 2 weeks while I was back at work and in outpatient treatment to help around the house. They both attended family nights at the treatment center and learned about my story, addiction in general and ways to be supportive.

Because they know everything - my sister earns the right as an accountability partner to check up on me, and to tease me (knowingly) about such situations.  And I rightly reported back that the medicine bottle was sealed, so she was ok.  Quite honestly, had it not been sealed - I probably would have taken alternative action just to ensure I couldn't slip something out.  Today, I was in a strong enough place that it wasn't even a temptation -- but another time, and it could very well be.  So, it's great having family & friends know my illness so they can support my accountability in a loving but non-codependent fashion.  What joy - what freedom - what love!

Day 102 - Finding my "first high" again...

The night I arrived at my sister's for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew.  At one point, I didn't think I'd make the performance.  I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was...how he kept asking "Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!" I knew there wasn't any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!

I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy.  It's electrifying!  As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes."  It was so POWERFUL!

I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this.  My body was on fire!  My senses were on overload!  I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes.  I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest.  And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way.  I was just enjoying my a*$ off!  I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses.  And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me.  I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this.  I could just see myself enjoying without limitations.  And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated.  It wasn't a mask.  It was deep and genuine.


I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X).  X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL!  All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual.  It was overpowering.

As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.

Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high.  And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me.    While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."

Now I understand - they weren't my first high!

My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!  


I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!

I found that first high!

And I found it drug-free!  And I found it in my own senses!  I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel.  And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face.  It's not sadness, not loss, not grief.  It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.


I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;).  But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel.  Life is bland.  You "can't enjoy life."  And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall.  I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.

That was my other excitement from the night!  I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW -  I was on fire!  I was bursting out of my skin!  It was amazing.  I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;)  And life was good.  I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what.  I was at peace.  And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again.  Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected.  I had found my feelings.  I had found the ability to experience life.

And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again.  It's real - it's not artificial.  I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!


And, then to think that I was here with my nephew.  These were the kids I took myself away from.  You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered.  I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.

For all of this, I am truly grateful.

All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.

Priceless ;)

Day 101 - In life there are no coinkidinks

I know that every step in my recovery -- even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction -- happened for a reason. The prayer I've learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.

This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today.  I've been working my butt off to reach that goal. I'm thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help - for the humilty of admitting I can't do it by myself - and for the ability to realize things don't have to be perfect. Because of all of that - I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it.  I'm grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work -- but creating memories and enjoying fellowship.  What a blessing.

In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that's ok because I'm not in control - a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility.  And I still believe he is.  But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away.  Thankfully, I am not responsible - it's out of my hands.  I just keep him in my prayers.

And then, I'm getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven't seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn't know if I could find meth out where they live.  And I couldn't be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I'm overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I'm reconnected, I realize now that it's a huge emotional event. I'm excited, but I'm scared; I'm grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I'm not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.

Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I'm at my sister's. I know I'm scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her...I said things that I shouldn't have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It's hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.

I was so busy getting ready that I wasn't processing much on my heart - though I've been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down.  I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.

I got into that room...and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa.  And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart.  "We got into recovery, and things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life -- we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick."  That's me!  But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen...opened my heart up to the healing that was needed...and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on.  But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn't really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face.  And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me - to give me what I needed. 

I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting.  One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said "You know, CT...the best part is you don't have to drink or drug." And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It's a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet...to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging...by the grace of God. 

If life there are no coinkidinks...just an abundance of miracles.

Day 100 - In these rooms we will find each other...

It's been an amazing couple of weeks.  I'm sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone "in the rooms" who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment...basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I've found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It's a pretty powerful experience for me to see that "from the other side." 


Connection #1: One friend is...I'll be honest...right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of "I" and "control" and "for now."  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I've been there, but he doesn't understand it yet. But, I listened...I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations...I didn't judge...I didn't lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or "scared me" into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won't make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...and make differenct choices.


Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem -- life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long...this time.  I've been there.  I've tried to stop myself.  We've all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can't.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can't relapse if you've never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas - physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn't prescribe how one works a program of recovery -- self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging...it's not a relapse.

Of course, it's not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery - and that's my program...not someone else's.  I'm just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny - I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, "how did you know?"  I replied, "because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight - you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I've learned since that night in December is I can't do this. I tried - I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It's not because of my will power or my strength.  And it's not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery."

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...he's looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices...


Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take...but told myself No, impossible...couldn't be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope...because the man sitting next to me...the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life...was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him...$400 worth...over twice my normal amount...was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy - apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes...and smiling...and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering...I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude -- all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer...he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking...it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable...could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I'm at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was...and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I'm just so thankful. We've all earned our right to be in these rooms.



I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I'm still a newcomer.  I'm still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It's like I've said - I'm learning my ABC's and 123's all over again.  There are still days where I'm blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I'm so thankful that I'm able to be there and see other people -- not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction -- who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won't...some are there, some aren't quite there...  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I'm thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me...

Day 99 - Is it live or is it Memorex?

Ok - having just dated myself back to cassette tapes and recorders with my tag line...

I had a using dream last night...the first in a long time. And, I believe this was the first that was so real that I woke up thinking it was real!  In my dream, I told myself "come on...you've got over 90 days...do you really want to blow this?"  And I did - I took some crystal meth and relapsed.  Then I woke up and was scared.  For mere seconds, I was confused enough to think it had all happened.  I had been told this could happen - but don't believe I've experienced it this strongly.  Fortunately, it was not live...it was Memorex!

So then the question behind the question... Why?  Like a good engineering or quality root cause analysis, you ask 5 times...why? why? why? why? why?  Well, simply put -- I'm under a lot of stress and change.  I just applied for the first 3 jobs since being unemployed.  I'm within a day of putting my home on the market, which marks another loss and change in my life.  I am unemployed.  My court date for April was pushed out a month.  I leave in 2 days for my sister's in PA to visit my nephews and niece who were out of my life for 2 years because I chose to drug over being with family.  And some other events I'll be writing about there shortly from the rooms.  Any one of these would have been more than enough reason to use in the past - to escape, to numb.  And though I'm still clean and sober, my body is used to that "routine" - used to the "usual path" - and since the physical reality didn't follow, my disease decided to throw in a little mental reality just for fun.  That's what it does -- f*&ks with my mind.  And it works!

But thankfully, just for today - I don't have to use or drink to get through life.  I can lose a job, a house, a relationship, go to jail and have my car need $700 in repairs...and do it all on life's terms.  I heard recently..."we can walk over boulders but stub our toe on the pebbles."  Sometimes it's the little things in life that demand the most vigilance - turning them over to my Higher Power - Letting Go and Letting God. So, yes, even heading down I-70 the WRONG direction (even with my GPS on) could have sent me over the edge...but it doesn't.  Just for today...

My pillow awaits...by the grace of God, I made it through this day.  What a miracle of life.

Day 94 - E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego

I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things "percolate" for a couple days and I start to understand what I'm to learn.  Here goes...

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).


As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble...exposure. 


This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice.  That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble...my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...

Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow.  And isn't that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.