Day 100 - In these rooms we will find each other...

It's been an amazing couple of weeks.  I'm sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone "in the rooms" who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment...basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I've found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It's a pretty powerful experience for me to see that "from the other side." 


Connection #1: One friend is...I'll be honest...right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of "I" and "control" and "for now."  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I've been there, but he doesn't understand it yet. But, I listened...I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations...I didn't judge...I didn't lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or "scared me" into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won't make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...and make differenct choices.


Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem -- life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long...this time.  I've been there.  I've tried to stop myself.  We've all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can't.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can't relapse if you've never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas - physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn't prescribe how one works a program of recovery -- self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging...it's not a relapse.

Of course, it's not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery - and that's my program...not someone else's.  I'm just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny - I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, "how did you know?"  I replied, "because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight - you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I've learned since that night in December is I can't do this. I tried - I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It's not because of my will power or my strength.  And it's not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery."

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...he's looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices...


Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take...but told myself No, impossible...couldn't be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope...because the man sitting next to me...the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life...was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him...$400 worth...over twice my normal amount...was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy - apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes...and smiling...and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering...I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude -- all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer...he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking...it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable...could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I'm at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was...and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I'm just so thankful. We've all earned our right to be in these rooms.



I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I'm still a newcomer.  I'm still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It's like I've said - I'm learning my ABC's and 123's all over again.  There are still days where I'm blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I'm so thankful that I'm able to be there and see other people -- not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction -- who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won't...some are there, some aren't quite there...  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I'm thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me...

Day 99 - Is it live or is it Memorex?

Ok - having just dated myself back to cassette tapes and recorders with my tag line...

I had a using dream last night...the first in a long time. And, I believe this was the first that was so real that I woke up thinking it was real!  In my dream, I told myself "come on...you've got over 90 days...do you really want to blow this?"  And I did - I took some crystal meth and relapsed.  Then I woke up and was scared.  For mere seconds, I was confused enough to think it had all happened.  I had been told this could happen - but don't believe I've experienced it this strongly.  Fortunately, it was not live...it was Memorex!

So then the question behind the question... Why?  Like a good engineering or quality root cause analysis, you ask 5 times...why? why? why? why? why?  Well, simply put -- I'm under a lot of stress and change.  I just applied for the first 3 jobs since being unemployed.  I'm within a day of putting my home on the market, which marks another loss and change in my life.  I am unemployed.  My court date for April was pushed out a month.  I leave in 2 days for my sister's in PA to visit my nephews and niece who were out of my life for 2 years because I chose to drug over being with family.  And some other events I'll be writing about there shortly from the rooms.  Any one of these would have been more than enough reason to use in the past - to escape, to numb.  And though I'm still clean and sober, my body is used to that "routine" - used to the "usual path" - and since the physical reality didn't follow, my disease decided to throw in a little mental reality just for fun.  That's what it does -- f*&ks with my mind.  And it works!

But thankfully, just for today - I don't have to use or drink to get through life.  I can lose a job, a house, a relationship, go to jail and have my car need $700 in repairs...and do it all on life's terms.  I heard recently..."we can walk over boulders but stub our toe on the pebbles."  Sometimes it's the little things in life that demand the most vigilance - turning them over to my Higher Power - Letting Go and Letting God. So, yes, even heading down I-70 the WRONG direction (even with my GPS on) could have sent me over the edge...but it doesn't.  Just for today...

My pillow awaits...by the grace of God, I made it through this day.  What a miracle of life.

Day 94 - E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego

I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things "percolate" for a couple days and I start to understand what I'm to learn.  Here goes...

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).


As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble...exposure. 


This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice.  That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble...my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...

Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow.  And isn't that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.

Day 93 - ETOH, self-help groups and other secrets...

I was driving through town today and noticed a church sign that listed an Al-Anon meeting during the week. I remember thinking to myself, "I wonder if they have NA or AA meetings. Is there a reason why they choose not to list those?" I understand the power of anonymity -- the underpinning of self-help groups.  So by all means, I'm not challenging the need.  But, I've been recently pondering how far we've come in understanding and accepting alcoholism in society, particularly since the founding of AA. However in many ways, it's still the white elephant in the room. I recently heard of a funeral where the family wanted no mention of the deceased's alcoholism, from which he ultimately died even though he was in recovery and sober. Again, I fully respect the family's choice and am in no means discounting their wishes. However had it been cancer or diabetes or a host of other medical conditions, it would likely not have been an issue to mention. In fact, one's battle with cancer is often seen as a source of inspiration given the great courage and selflessness often seen in cancer patients. Why are we not able to equally celebrate the personal courage and spiritual healing seen in the lives of alcoholics and addicts, whether in life or death? There is still much shame associated with the disease of addiction.  Though we've come a long way, there is still much ignorance (lack of knowledge) about it.


As a gay man, I know that ignorance breeds fear and fear can lead to death. Likewise, ignorance of addiction can literally lead to death -- poor choices and lack of support for the suffering addict. The need for education about how to better understand, detect and support addicts seeking recovery is reflected in my story -- a "closet meth user." With one exception, all of my close friend, family and work colleagues were SHOCKED when I "came out of the meth closet."  I didn't fit their stereotype of a meth user. And clearly, my employer lacks knowledge of this disease given their choice of action, in my humble opinion. I'm still blessed with the path I'm on and have no regrets - I'm where I need to be. But that doesn't take away my disappointment and frustration with their lack of institutional knowledge on the subject. As a leader in the pharmaceutical industry for cancer, diabetes, mental illness, etc., they seek better health outcomes for their patients. Yet they lack a basic understanding of how to provide critical education & awareness to enable better health outcomes for their employees who may struggle with alcoholism or drug addiction.


We've come so far, yet have so far to go...


I learned of another example today while surfing the web for information and sites around addiction. I learned of a term ETOH at http://www.addict-help.com/etoh.asp. 

"ETOH has other applications as well. For example, some hospitals, med technicians and medical facilities. It would seem to have been developed as a way of disguising the word alcohol to keep the fact that a person had been drinking from being disclosed." 

Given the possible side effects of alcohol withdrawal, this knowledge can prove critical to a patient's treatment. So, it's relevant information for medical staff to have. This strikes me as another situation where the societal stigma still associated with alcoholism and addiction might be playing out. It's the white elephant - we aren't supposed to bring it up, or talk about it. And yet, undiagnosed - or unaware - it can kill.  Again, I understand the need for the hospital to take such precautions and respect a patient's privacy. But again - if they had diabetes or hemophilia - an individual or family wouldn't hesitate to share that in hospital. But, being severely intoxicated and possibly suffering from the disease of alcoholism can't be discussed. 

Has anyone seen a white elephant in the room?  

If so, please notify the nurses' station immediately.

I know this doesn't directly relate to my recovery -- but it seems like the societal stigma and associated shame individuals have about addiction can have an impact if it leads to lack of awareness or intervention. If it prolongs someone from asking for help or sparks actions which create more risk to one's recovery, then it becomes very relevant. If better patient outcomes really is the goal of the US healthcare system, then we must face the social aspects of the disease as well as the treatment needs of the afflicted.


But, easy does it...for now, my focus must be on recovery not social revolution ;)

Day 91 - Goodbye Letter to Crystal Meth

I was going through my notebook from treatment and came across a good-bye letter I wrote to my drug of choice, crystal meth. It was an exercise during inpatient they had us do as we left inpatient to whatever next phase of treatment we were heading. It was a way to bring closure to the ending relationship with our "best friend." We read these out loud to our group.  Since I came across it, I thought I'd share it here.


Dear Crystal

I never felt like I fit in - I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in.  I've moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.

Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago.  You've taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available -- ecstasy, GHB, pot, "special K," cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you're the one who always reached out to me - called me - called me back - never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention.  Thank you.

You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC - crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it's been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn't want to leave you. I missed my grandmother's 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn't sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn't take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother...and missed her funeral...because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.

That is my friend.
That is my best friend.


That's bullshit.

What do they say -- with friends like you, who needs enemies.


Crystal Meth, I'm ending this friendship.  Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.

Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.

Crystal Meth, I'm tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.

Crystal Meth, I'm no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I'm going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.

Crystal Meth, I'm replacing you with my new thirteen best friends...the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I'm reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.

Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.

Signed,


CT
January 4, 2010




As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course).  I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:

CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT'     where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}

CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power...multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime '

^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}

*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity --> Father, Son and Holy Spirit...so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 ;)

Day 90 - Pregnant, PAWS or life?

These last days have felt like being on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm joyous and full of life, the next I'm anxious and paralyzed; I get easily irritated around other people and feel lonely when I'm by myself; I'm optimistic and glad for the changes in my life, then I get angry, sad and scared. I've become obsessed with certain matters needing resolution, and have blissfully ignored others...arguably more urgent and of higher priority.  What's going ON!?!  I feel like I'm either pregnant, experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome), or life.  Since medically speaking I'm unable to get pregnant - being a man ;) - my guess is a combination of PAWS and life.

I've been told there's a reason they give 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month, year and 18 month tokens. One often suffers from physical & mental affects of PAWS (http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm) around those intervals. So, in addition to just giving stepping stones of success along the way, they are designed to give an extra "boost" to the recovering alcoholic or addict who is likely +/- a week hitting some of the symptoms of PAWS and beginning to wonder.  I hit it at 50 days...and around 85 days :)  These past days, it feels like I've been using again!  Friday night, I was basically up all night.  I was wired - partially anxious about my legal situation - but mainly wired.  I got about 2 hours of sleep...literally.  Finally, at 3:30am, I got up and did work around the house! I've been a bit edgy, distracted as if with ADD while also laser-like in single-tasking, and emotionally charged. Hmm...let's look up side-effects of crystal meth...sounds like much the last 18 months of my life on meth!

I also think I'm experiencing some of the frustration of the "meth wall."  

Meth addicts get over the acute effects of withdrawal fairly quickly. However, the "wall" period lasts 6-8 months for casual users and 2-3 years for regular users. (Some people never recover and remain unsatisfied with life due to permanent brain damage.) This is a period of prolonged abstinence during which the brain recovers from the changes resulting from meth use. During this period, recovering addicts feel depressed, fuzzyheaded, and think life isn't as pleasurable without the drug. 

Although life is pleasurable and I'm feeling things once again, the depression and fuzzyheaded-ness is playing tricks with my mind.


Of course, then there's life.  I have said I want to experience life on life's terms...not on the terms of a meth addict! And I do mean that!  But with that comes - ups and downs; people, places and things that frustrate me; feelings and emotions. All that sh*& I escaped from...the loss, the grieving, the frustration, the emptiness.  It's all here - in living colour - in hi-definition - in surround sound!  And sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming!  But, I know it's better than the alternative...so I pray for serenity -- look for the good -- and turn things over to my Higher Power.  It's sometimes harder said than done because it's a new habit...I forget...I get caught up in old ways of thinking. But, when I do remember...or get reminded by those around me in recovery...it gets better.


The other thing I'm realizing is that for the past 90 days (!), I've largely lived in an either a sheltered world of recovery (in- and out-patient; twelve step meetings) or an isolated world at home, away from people and "life."  Since I've lost my job, the extremes have compounded.  For the most part, I'm either in recovery meetings or at home...with some volunteering at church.  When I have been social, it's been 1:1 with people I love, who care for me and who listen & share. Frankly, it's been somewhat self-centered; to a certain extent, it has probably needed to be that way.  I'm learning to live & think differently - to wear a new pair of glasses, as the book goes.  So, to a certain extent, it's been 90 days "about me."  And that's ok.  But now, I'm trying to expand that circle & return to reality -- to go out with folks before/after meetings; to forge new friendships & get to know people; to face some pretty tough legal and employment challenges. And, that puts me "back in real life" -- where it's not all about me, where there are people who are bitter & angry as well as peaceful & joy-filled.  And simply put - I'm not used to that!  For the past 90 days of recovery - and the prior 2+ years of heaving using...it's either been about me, or I've numbed myself from reality! 


So, I just put that out there for me to remember looking back.  I'm where I need to be... It's ok to be human and make mistakes... I don't have to get along with everyone... and life does have challenges which I can face with the grace & strength of my HP, through which I will grow stronger and survive -- and be far better off on the other side. 

For that, I'm grateful.  

For now, I must slow down, breathe and give myself a break...


Good night.  Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!  By the grace of god...

Day 88 - I cook with wine...

...sometimes I even add it to the food.     WC Fields


I was doing dishes yesterday after baking banana bread and was looking out the window, enjoying the view of the woods, nature and my 2 dogs enjoying the warming Spring-like weather.  Then, I noticed a quote in my window I had received as a gift.  A small wooden sign had the wine/cooking quote from WC Fields.  Anyone who knows me and my love for wine and cooking knows this rang true for me.  I love wine, particularly good red wine.  I lived with a French family in Luxemburg as an exchange student and grew to appreciate fine wine through that experience.  When I lived in the UK, the wine store was 2 blocks down and with a wider variety of wines than most US stores at the time (late 90's), I expanded my palette.  I turned 30 when I lived there in Chester and a friend gave me a bottle of French bordeaux.  He told me to keep it for a special occasion - perhaps my 40th.  I've transported that wine now from the UK to North Carolina to Puerto Rico to Indiana, guarding it for a special occasion.  I didn't bring it out for my 40th, but had been saving it for the right small gathering of friends who could enjoy it with me.

Then 12/21 came...and I entered recovery!  And although I primarily identify myself as an addict, I recognized early on that alcohol was a trigger.  More than once, my resolve to lay off the meth was melted with a vodka martini or cosmopolitan.  The wisdom from other addicts proved true recently when I almost stumbled with a lingering bottle of aged rum. It reconfirmed for me that alcohol is just another drug; that my illness is cunning and will go to great lengths to seduce me back into active addiction.

I can remember telling my dad, less than 60 days out of treatment, that "for now I choose not to drink.  But perhaps some day I'll be able to enjoy a nice glass of red wine with dinner."  Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I knew the foolishness of what I was saying.  The experience of others confirms the misconception.  I heard a story this week of a guy who started with just a sip at a party of a new lemon martini...and within a month, he had fallen hard.  The good news is he found the strength to come back in the rooms, finding the support,  encouragement and unconditional love he needed to reclaim sobriety.  But, not everyone is able to do so.

Seeing that sign was a reminder...that a  glass of red wine with dinner would turn into drinking a bottle of wine while cooking, then into worse.  Nope, I understand even more deeply - I'm an alcoholic addict.  Full stop.  No reservations or qualifications.

So what became of that bottle of wine?

I recently went to dinner with some very dear friends, one of which I've known for almost 20 years.  They would have been one of the couples with whom I would have savored the wine in celebration.  I brought them the bottle and explained its history.  At first, as I expected, they insisted on keeping it until I was able to enjoy it with them.  But I explained to them that this is a lifelong process -- there are no pre-planned detours -- my life depends on that.  So, while my primary drug of choice is crystal meth, I must face the truth that all drugs must go with the same conviction and commitment.  I could see in my friends' faces a deeper level of understanding and acceptance.  I caught a glimpse of sadness as they realized the gravity...but I also know there are so many other ways that we can celebrate and have fun.  And, I know they understand that as well.  For starters, he and his wife know that I'm here - alive - able to celebrate period!  Had December 21st transpired differently, that wouldn't have been the case.

So, WC Fields - I also bid you farewell. I'll talk with B. and ask her to replace you with another saying more in line with my recovery.  Deeper than the quote on a board was the gift and the memory it brings of friends and family.  That, I don't want to lose.  So, I'll simply replace it with something that can carry the same message and be in line with my recovery....further proof that recovery doesn't mean the end of enjoying life.  In fact, it's the beginning of really enjoying the emotions & experiences that life brings -- on life's terms.  For that, I'm grateful.

Day 87 - 30 day misery back guarantee!

I opened yesterday's mail this morning.  Note to self - DON'T do that again before morning meditation and prayers...and coffee!

I received all of the paperwork from my separation.  COBRA decisions...life insurance...401K rollover.  The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices.  But, it's still overwhelming.  How do families with kids do this?  My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts -- I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go.  Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do?  All these decisions to make - such little time - and no income.  It could be paralyzing.  Some days it is - I didn't get out of bed on Monday.  (Note the gap in journal entries!)  But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today...and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace...I can make it.  God didn't bring me THIS far to abandon me!

I'm reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!)  "If you're not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work - we will gladly refund your misery."  Yep, it's the 30-day misery back guarantee.  At any point, I can choose to go back to the using - the drinking - the escape - the numbness.  And at any point, I know what that will bring...isolation, depression, misery, despair.  Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction.  For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom.  Is that what I want to return to?  Really?

Thankfully, no.  Despite the overwhelming feelings at times -- the tough choices -- the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today -- I know that each and every day of sobriety I've enjoyed has been far better than any day of using.  Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction.  And for that, I'm grateful.

I'll let that misery back guarantee expire.  There is no turning back.

Day 86 - Prozac for addiction? Would you take "the pill?"

Someone brought up an interesting question tonight.  There are some medications out there to help curb cravings or make you sick if you drink.  If they came up with a pill that would "cure" addiction, would you take it?  If it meant taking a pill for the rest of your life - would you swap recovery, meetings and working a program for a pill?

It raises an interesting question...

For me, I fall back on what I learned about Prozac and other anti-depressants.  They aren't the cure for depression - just like Xanax was never intended for long term treatment of anxiety.  The idea behind anti-depressants is to stabilize one's brain chemistry to allow one to work on the root causes of one's depression.  Believe it or not, the drug companies never intended the Prozac's to be the end all solution -- at least as I understand it.  And I used to work for one...

So for me, whether there is a pill or not -- the key for my recovery was realizing that drinking wasn't my problem...using wasn't my problem  As one guy I know introduces himself, "Hi I'm an addict - and Brian is my problem."  For me it was the feeling of not fitting in -- the low self esteem.  I am a perfectionist and never felt like I (or others!) could live up to my standards.  I am a people pleaser.  I worry about what people think about me.  I feel like I'm an impostor at work and someday, someone is going to figure me out and call me out!   That was my thinking...my mental (and ultimately spiritual!) malady.  That's what I have to work on...the comparisons, the judgments...my sense of self, my sense of worth.  The alcohol or drugs were just another attempt to fill that emptiness I felt inside.

What I've grown to appreciate is that we all feel that to one degree or another -- we all have our insecurities.  None of us are perfect; we're all broken.  Thankfully, in my brokenness, I found a connection with my Higher Power -- for me, it's God.  And in that relationship, I've learned that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me because I'm His precious son.  He loves us all because we are unique, treasured children of God.  And, because we're separated from Him, we have a void...a hole that we try to fill in so many futile ways.  That's my problem.

I'm learning that even with my low self-esteem, it's my ego that is at the root of my illness.  My ego gets in my way of my loving God -- of my fellow human beings -- of my own need for wholeness.  The more I learn to leave my ego out -- to accept my brokenness and in that acceptance, find forgiveness and grace -- the more I find what I've so desperately sought.  I've tried to find it in work, in relationships, in sex, in alcohol, in drugs, in constantly moving from one state or country to another.  None of that will ever suffice.  I need to stop running, stop chasing the next high, stop looking for someone to "complete me."  I just need to surrender to my Higher Power.  Once I understand and accept that spiritual brokenness, I can see others as the same -- broken, forgiven, and in need of God's love manifest in others.

It's a long road...and whether they find a pill or not, the hard work still has to be done.  The Truth has to be sought and found.  This is a physical, mental and spiritual disease.  Pills may work on the physical cravings; they may even someday help with the mental brain chemistry.  But only prayer and a spiritual relationship with one's Higher Power will mend the spiritual part of this disease.  And that is the beauty of recovery!

Day 85 - Naming, blessing and embracing my talents

I was meeting with a friend yesterday and he introduced me to a small group of men doing some amazing work with youth and community (http://kheprw.org/). In introducing me, he named what he saw as my gifts. He mentioned that I was creative and a connector. For many years, I've balked at being called creative. I don't see myself as such. But, now, in a more humble manner of listening and removing my own ego...I'm able to hear more what others see in me. And, I'm more open to embracing those talents, those gifts -- naming and blessing and celebrating them.

Along those lines, I was recently reconnected with a man who had a great influence on my life as an elementary school teacher. As a young boy of 10 years old moving from Louisiana to Canada, I remember facing the teasing from my peers, having a funny accent. ;) I was also young and short for my age. Skipped a grade while in Canada made that "difference" even more pronounced. There were two men - Mr. Rogers and Mr. Heady - who went out of their way to make me feel welcome. They "took me under their wings" and broke down the barriers my accent created, and helped me connect with the students. I have ALWAYS shared fondly of my time in Sarnia and spoken of these two men. Well, recently, a friend from Sarnia connected with me on Facebook and told me that Mr. Rogers was looking to reconnect with students. What a great blessing! And as we started to reconnected, Mr. Rogers wrote back, "Remember you as one of those students who brought the fire for learning to class every day."

So completing that spirit of naming by gifts -- some of them I see more fully today are...curious; connector; creative; fire for learning.

Day 84 - When is the best time to plant a tree?

A couple weeks ago, a guest pastor preached at our church.  He talked about seeing things (change, growth, vision) in 50 year chunks of time -- seeing the big picture so to speak.  He asked, "When is the best time to plant a tree?...50 years ago!"  He then continued, "When is the second best time to plant a tree?...today."


I walked away inspired...but I started to frame the question for my life as today is the best time to plant the tree...that somehow I missed the first time 20 years ago.  But, I've also shared before with others that everything in my life happened for a reason and got me to where I am today.  The life experiences, the training, the insights.  So I now more fully appreciate the wisdom Pastor Phil shared that morning in the context of my life.  A tree was planted 20 years ago...nay, even 41 years ago!   And now with a strong, deep root system of life experiences, the tree is coming into full bloom...into what I was truly meant to be, at this moment, in preparing for this next chapter of life.  And for that I am grateful.

Day 81 - Embracing my feelings as a human being

Today, I met with my realtor about putting the house on the market.  I also talked through my financial situation with an accountability partner - sizing up the reality that is facing me.  I got through everything fine.  Oh wait - what does FINE stand for?  Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.  Or something like that...  I wasn't that bad!  It's just that fine is about as descriptive as interesting, or good or nice.

This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting.  But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest.  My mind started wandering...and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me.  I started to feel it...funk funk...  Next thing I know, I didn't want to get out for my planned meeting!

I text'd a brother "MS" from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don't feel like going is exactly when we need to go!  For me, it's the equivalent of my insulin shot...hitting a meeting. And where I am now...getting through my changes and losses...I need it daily!!!  If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die.  If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.

My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money - in having a job - in having a plan.  Until my first court date in April, there's not much point in making too many plans.  In order to become a "productive member of society" as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery.  He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working.  Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work - on what I do, or how much I make.  That's changing - for the better.  I'm learning to value me for who I am - and others for who they are.  But, change is uncomfortable - unsettling - unfamiliar!  Recognize it...and work through it.  It will take time - and practice.  Now's my time to practice!  What a gift!

Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing.  What does that really look like?  Well, right now - it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job.  With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be.  That provides some relief -- some space to "be."  I need to focus on my recovery - strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery.  On the financial side, I need to sell me house.  It's a cash flow thing...and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow!  I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week.  So, that's my job now - and it "pays!" It slows the bleeding financially.

Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house.  That gets me through the next five weeks until court.  And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my "B game" or "C game" - to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it's going to take to solidify this recovery.  So, slow down, CT...stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what's next...stay in the moment. I'm right where I need to be.  I just need to do the right next thing...and not get too far ahead of myself.  Be real and easy does it!

As for my feelings, this "chat" sums things up best...how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!

MS: Glad you made it to the meeting  You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it's ok. I don't have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That's an odd combination for me, "Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings" 
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It's a healing process
Me: Amen.  Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry

Day 79 - Opportunity Parkway

There is a new office complex opening 4 miles from my home...the house where I've lived for 4+ years that will be listed as "FOR SALE" this weekend because my employer of 20 years chose to fire me three days ago after learning of my arrest (see Day 75).  Ironically, the first and primary tenant of the office complex is one of five business units within that company! This business unit is relocating its world headquarters to the town in which I live, situated 30 miles from the parent company's world headquarters...where I worked until Friday of last week.  

This morning, a new traffic light and street sign were hung over the intersection leading into the complex.  The name of the main road of the new complex..."Opportunity Parkway."  How fitting for my life circumstances.  Sunday, at church, when the minister asked for any celebrations, I offered up a thanksgiving for "new possibilities" -- for new opportunities.  And, through the work my higher power is doing in my heart, I am honestly able to see this as "Opportunity Parkway."  He's slowly giving me glimpses and insights in my heart to seeds he has planted...to ways in which I believe He is calling me to use my gifts and skills in a new way.  Ironically, many of these gifts -- diversity awareness, leadership development, coaching & mentoring, compassionate communication, effective listening -- were taught or honed during my 20 years of employment.  


So, rather than seeing this decision as a loss, a regret...I choose to see it as a gift, as an opportunity to now take my experiences & skills and use them to more directly help people.  Where and how, I don't know -- I must continue to work on my recovery -- but I can already see possibilities.  It may start with company and community leaders struggling with how to better understand & support addicts out of ignorance -- much like corporate america 50 years ago with the alcoholic (Pope & Associate - Consulting Pairs).  It may be connecting addicts with employment opportunities -- addicts whose consequences led them into a compounding spiral in a system that works against us at times.  It may be working with groups people leaving incarceration to reintegrate into community (Choices Team - Faith in Community Ministries).  It may be helping equip addicts in recovery or ex-offenders with compassionate communication tools (Center for Non-Violent Communication - Freedom Project).  God only knows...for now, I know simply I'm where I need to be.  If I continue to focus on my recovery, on being clean and sober just for Today, then and only will Opportunity Parkway open for business.

Opportunity Knocks?  How might these fit together...

http://www.popeandassociates.com
http://www.choicesteam.org/fcm.html
http://www.cnvc.org/node/416
http://nvctraining.com/media/new/index.html
http://web.me.com/jerryandtodd/Site/Todds_Blogs.html

Day 78 - This Insidious disease

Last night was a little harder night.  I was going great -- on a bit of a natural high from the day and from what amazing possibilities are percolating.  I caught myself thinking..."wouldn't it be a great night to have a nice glass of wine with my dinner."  Or, needing to relax from a busy day, "wouldn't it be nice to curl up and watch TV with an ice cold beer."  I haven't had any cravings to USE - but I let myself start THINKING about DRINKING.

Instead I chose to draw a hot bath and soak, meditate.  My normal metal cup had been moved this weekend by a friend who was helping to clean house.  He put it back in the bar -- it is half of a Bacardi Rum shaker (metal cup and glass used together).  It's not a drinking trigger for me at all - it goes well with the bathroom; I use it to rinse the tub after soak baths; it looks better than a plastic cup.

The cup wasn't the problem.  I went to the bar area, which had been cleaned out of liquor already.  Except...I saw...a special bottle of aged rum.  I had left it behind wanting to give it to a friend who would appreciate it.  Or, perhaps, subconsciously, I left it behind for me.  I wonder which...

All of a sudden my head was filled with lies.  Remember, this is the only disease which wants me to believe I don't have a disease.  "Your issue never really was alcohol - it was drugs.  You're ok to have one drink."  "You don't have to give up wine or good alcohol - you've been able to control that part.  It's the crystal meth."  And the all but insane, "You had a great first day - you've gotten through being fired with amazing strength.  You deserve to celebrate with a hot bath and a nice shot of aged rum from Puerto Rico -- a gift from Carlos in Puerto Rico.  This is all worth celebrating."  No, I take that back.  It's not all but insane...it IS insane!

Nonetheless, I wasn't there at the time...I was at "all but insane" or "far from insane."  I poured the shot glass...I smelled the rum.  Familiar scents and memories -- good ones -- came flooding back.  My mind was playing insidious tricks with me.  It knew better than to hit me with drugs this time.  It went for the subtle smell of rum.

I brought the shot into the bathroom -- the tub already filling with hot water; my readings (from NA!) and meditations sitting on the edge of the tub platform.  I thought about calling my sponsor to stop this and talk myself through.  Then I looked at the shot; I could smell the rum permeating the bathroom as the steamed air began to fill up the room as well.  I started to play through how relaxing it would be -- how GOOD the rum would taste.  That was much more enjoyable than talking to someone!  I was caught up in the moment.  I was caught up in the lies of this insidious and cunning disease.

Then I thought of all I had going for me -- of all the progress I have made.  I took the shot and poured the rum down the sink.  I rinsed the sink out; moved the glass out of the bathroom; and lit a candle to burn of the smell.

I was in relapse again.  I didn't drink or use -- but next time, I may not find the strength to stop it.  I used some of my tools - but not enough of them soon enough.  I played with this temptation WAY too long.  I didn't cut it off a the root..I fed it with nutrients...I let it pop its head up through the gentle, warm soil...I allowed time for the sun's rays to beat down on it to give it life.  I nurtured it and encouraged it just enough to find a budding plant.  And then, only then, did I rip it out and kill it.

That's NOT what our Lenten series at church means when we ask ourselves, "What are you growing for Lent?"

The bottle still needs to be out of the house.  And I realize now that the 3-4 bottles of red wine I'm storing to "give to a friend" must also go.  Today.  I win this battle one day at a time -- I must fight this battle one day at a time.  Not tomorrow -- not "when I feel ready" -- not eventually -- TODAY.

Yes, one is a bottle given to me for my 30th birthday party in England.  It's been from the UK, to NC, to Puerto Rico, to here.  I've been saving it for a special occasion -- it's one to keep for 10+ years.  So now would be about right.  But, I've also been to hell and back since then -- seen the bottom of my addiction -- faced the choice of life or death.  By the grace of God, I chose life.  With that same grace, I must be realistic and pull out all of the stops with the same fervor, joy and determination that I have had about my recovery in the past days.  I must "ride the wave" and keep on the path.

I wrote a good-bye letter to Crystal Meth during inpatient.  Sounds like I need to write the same for fine wine and spirits...

Watch this space for said letter...

Day 75 - Another step in my journey

A letter to friends...


Let me start this update by saying I continue to be grateful beyond belief for the many blessings in my life today -- on my road of recovery. For those who may not be aware, I went into treatment on December 21, 2009 for drug addiction.  Over two months later, I'm doing well in my recovery. I was in rehab for a month of inpatient and partial hospitalization. I returned to work on January 20th with a new lease on life. I completed six weeks of evening outpatient therapy on Monday of last week and will continue a life long road of recovery.

For those of you who have seen my "Step One Video," you have seen how God was watching over me in the past years. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for being where I am today -- for learning to "fall in love again" with myself, for who I am, and for who I am becoming. I am reconnecting with close friends and family with whom I've grown distance because of my active addiction. I'm rediscovering who I am is -- not what I do. I'm not defined by what I do.  I'm a human being - not a "human doing."  Quite simply, I've been reminded I'm a child of a loving God, here to find and leverage the abundance of life to the best of my abilities. I've been blessed with gifts that I have squandered and underutilized -- but now I see the possibilities through conversations and in community. For that I am truly grateful. Full stop, no reservations.

Ten days ago on a Friday at 4pm, as expected, I was informed by the local police that a warrant for my arrest had been issued. [The charges relate to a search of my house in December after coming close to committing suicide via a drug overdose, followed by a call to 911 -- the event that led to my treatment and recovery.]  Although I was glad the police were courteous and notified me of the warrant, I had a rough weekend nonetheless.  I found myself running from my feelings and falling into old routines to numb myself. By the grace of God, I didn't use drugs or drink -- but I was in relapse. Spiritually and mentally, I relapsed -- this is as much a spiritual and mental disease as it is a physical disease. I didn't use the tools I've learned in recovery to short circuit the cycle soon enough to maintain a healthy, balanced outlook. Thankfully, God didn't abandon me - nor will He. My devotional reading that morning was about anxiety..."God didn't bring you this far into recovery to abandon you."  Lesson learned.

I was encouraged to turn myself in. Three days later, on Monday March 1, I did so. I had things arranged with my lawyer and a friend.  With gratitude for the speed and simplicity, I was released after being in jail for 4 hours. The judge set an extremely low bail given my charges because I had turned myself in.  "If you were going to run, you would have already done it by now," said he. The only other funny part (well there were lots of little tidbits) -- I was actually walked over from the jail to the courthouse for the hearing...outside about a block and half!  Had any of my friends been there, I could update my facebook photo with me wearing my little orange jail outfit and handcuffs!   But, alas -- better to have a good memory than a bad picture!  Or in this case -- a bad memory instead of a good picture ;)

My next court appearance is in May. With my charges, there are provisions for this being my first offense to have some of that reduced and serve just probation. But, let's not get ahead of things. It is what it is...I'm at peace...and God's hand continues to be in my life. For that I'm very thankful. I knew at the time that my actions warrant whatever comes -- it's only by the grace of God that I'll see less than what's due. I'll continue to leave things in His hands and focus my mind and energy on my recovery and helping others.

On Friday March 5th, following my employer's policy on Substance Abuse, I informed my management and HR of my arrest and the nature of the charges. At 4:30pm that afternoon, after a 19+ year career, I was terminated for violation of that policy because of my arrest. The reason I was given -- working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it could jeopardize the firm's reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance -- but essentially, that's what I learned. I understand their decision. I don't agree with the steps they took - but I understand the decision. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions which led to these consequences. I wish things had turned out otherwise -- that other factors would have been taken into consideration relating to my treatment. I've been honest with my management and HR since I returned to work on Jan 20th about the possibilities of legal action.  I am sad that they lacked the integrity to be equally honest with me about what actions would result should I be arrested. I'm disappointed... angry... and feel betrayed by a company to which I gave many years of faithful and dedicated service. My feelings are all healthy and expected reactions. But for my health, I must work through them -- to feel and process them in due time but not hold onto grudges or resentments. Resentment is at the heart of a relapse -- at the heart of much addictive behavior -- and that I can not afford.  

Step 1 teaches me to admit that I'm powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. In admitting powerlessness, I must eventually come to the point where I surrender my will and my life to my Higher Power who can and will restore me to sanity. On Friday, I finally understood this on a deeper level and "worked" that first step even harder.

I surrender...

I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1.  It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the recovery community and my feelings that I will stay clean and sober...just for today.

I'm grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I can not ignore my part in these events -- my behaviors and choices are at the root of my situation and I'm simply grateful to be where I am today...alive and in recovery. This past weekend, unlike the relapse I had a week ago, I found the strength and courage to use the tools I've learned in treatment to get me through each day thus far without a relapse. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life -- because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.

I know who's in control -- as long as I stop hopping in the driver's seat, I'll be just fine ;)  I can honestly see this already as a blessing.  The timing and circumstances are unfortunate -- but from this I will learn much which will only make me stronger.  I will spend some time figuring out what is in store for me in this next chapter of life.  I pray simply to know God's will for my life and the strength to carry it out.

Day 74 - Learning the 4th Step in the 1st Step

I spent a month in rehab, learning the tools that would serve me in recovery. During one session, the speaker talked about there being 4 steps in the 1st step. We admit we're powerless...we accept we're powerless...we accept that we've accepted we're powerless...and finally, we surrender. What I took away for my journey is it's easy to come to admit my powerlessness in the relative safety of an inpatient treatment center - my "step #1.1." And that's valid and real. But, it takes some time - and some experience "living life on life's terms" before I more fully understand what it means...and reach the point, through some "life tests" and "lessons learned," where I truly surrender.

Over the past 2 weeks, I've been through 2 very trying experiences that put my new tools to the test. They challenged my thinking - was I really understanding...was I really trusting my Higher Power...was I really working my program of recovery? In the first situation, I called some friends in recovery and caught myself before using. But, I now realize I had already entered into relapse by that point. "You can be in Recovery or in Relapse - but not both at the same time." During the second situation, I came a lot closer to using. I asked for help knowing I was facing a stressful time - but held onto some "open time" that led me to invite someone over to use. I stopped the cycle before I was able to follow through -- but again - I had already relapsed mentally and spiritually. Through sharing those experiences in group, I realized I had become complacent already - after about 72 days of sobriety. I had fallen into auto-pilot on a plateau...and it was time to move off that and keep the path of recovery moving upward.

What I know realize is those two experiences were "accepting" (step #1.2) and "accepting I had accepted" (step #1.3). I made it through the challenges, and learned a lot through sharing and listening to others. I realized how I need to allow myself to feel "enough" when tough situations or losses come along, less I ignore or numb those feelings -- only to surface later in a relapse. So, I became aware that I was working my way through that first step...Step 1.1, 1.2 and 1.3 were over...one more step to go!

Today it came. I was fired from my job for violation of our company's substance abuse policy. On Monday - 4 days ago (experience #1.3) I turned myself into the police after having learned a warrant had finally been issued for my drug overdose & 911 call in December -- the event that led to my treatment and recovery. Following company policy, I reported that to my management and HR this morning at 10:30am. At 4:30pm, after 20 years with my employer, I was terminated for violation of that policy. The reason -- working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it jeopardizes the firm's reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance -- but essentially, that's what I learned.

I surrender...

I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. "He didn't save me from the ocean waves only to drag me onto shore and beat me with a baseball bat."

I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1 -- that I must surrender my addiction and my unmanageable life to my Higher Power. It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the Recovery Community and my Feelings...that I will stay clean and sober...for Today.

I'm grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life -- because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.

March 5, 2010