A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me. This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it. It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I've been incorporating into my life over time. And it described me today! I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends! As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging... I have another hole to fill in.
But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...
I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out. I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness. But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on. That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior. That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors! And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!
I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!) And, a lightbulb finally went on.
I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out." My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex. I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings. But I know it doesn't make them go away. I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of. But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol. And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship. So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values. Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through.
As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why. And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger. And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass... And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors.
So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on. I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why. I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past. It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness. And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads. It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention! But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance
A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week. At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident. In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life. A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself. Just do something. But he couldn't. His second instinct was to reach out for help. He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore. They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him. Just do something. But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.
Don't just do something. Stand there and pray.
The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles. Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.
He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his. He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment." Self reliant - confident - in control. And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me! I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.
In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power. He challenged me to contemplate who God is. In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible! Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation. I'll start there.
What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge. I have the time! And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation. So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.
What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge. I have the time! And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation. So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Day 120 - Family ties that burden our hearts
The devotional I read this morning spoke to the family ties with this disease. Addiction is a family disease but we could only change ourselves. As an engineer, three data points make a trend. And I had MORE than three data points on this in the past 24 hours. So, I'm moved to share.
I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction. That's been weighing on my mind. What can I do to help? What can I say to ease her burden? What have I learned through my experience?
To add to the trend, I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction...suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life. I was at a loss for what to say. I had lunch with a friend today who's ex-spouse went through a similar "full regiment" of treatment to mine. She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well. He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years - they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice. I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial. And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who's brother is starting down the long road of recovery -- and the painful "tough love" choices her family has had to make over the years. Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.
The answers to these situation are so tough. I know - I'm there myself. And I see it in others' eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B's father's voice when we talked on the phone about Michael's relapse during treatment after inpatient. They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24. For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised. He broke into my house and stole from me - an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery. I could hear the grief in his father's voice that night - yet I'm sure he was no longer able to shed a tear. They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go. Today, God only knows where Michael B is...
As family members -- mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers -- there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own. The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power's care. I am so used to doing, helping...and yet, in these close blood relationships, it's the most dangerous thing I can probably do. It can do more harm - I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love...the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help. It only sent me further into my addiction.
So what then?
Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer? Go to jail? Lose everything? Lose hope?
No. Don't just do something. Stand there.
Well, kneel there...and pray. Turn it over to my Higher Power. It really tests my faith. Do I believe in the power of prayer? Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?! Can I let go and let god?
I think back now on my church's prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911. I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me. My sister had my listed with her church. And I can see the results today...my Higher Power at work in my life.
And yet, I face my family members addiction...or the conversation with the woman from church...and I wonder what to say. I doubt the power of prayer. Why?
Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for "the addict who still suffers," I whisper 4 names to myself -- Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart. Why? Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer. I believe. I've seen it work. For those four especially, it's all I can do.
Don't just do something. Stand there and pray.
I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction. That's been weighing on my mind. What can I do to help? What can I say to ease her burden? What have I learned through my experience?
To add to the trend, I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction...suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life. I was at a loss for what to say. I had lunch with a friend today who's ex-spouse went through a similar "full regiment" of treatment to mine. She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well. He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years - they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice. I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial. And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who's brother is starting down the long road of recovery -- and the painful "tough love" choices her family has had to make over the years. Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.
The answers to these situation are so tough. I know - I'm there myself. And I see it in others' eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B's father's voice when we talked on the phone about Michael's relapse during treatment after inpatient. They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24. For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised. He broke into my house and stole from me - an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery. I could hear the grief in his father's voice that night - yet I'm sure he was no longer able to shed a tear. They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go. Today, God only knows where Michael B is...
As family members -- mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers -- there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own. The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power's care. I am so used to doing, helping...and yet, in these close blood relationships, it's the most dangerous thing I can probably do. It can do more harm - I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love...the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help. It only sent me further into my addiction.
So what then?
Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer? Go to jail? Lose everything? Lose hope?
No. Don't just do something. Stand there.
Well, kneel there...and pray. Turn it over to my Higher Power. It really tests my faith. Do I believe in the power of prayer? Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?! Can I let go and let god?
I think back now on my church's prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911. I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me. My sister had my listed with her church. And I can see the results today...my Higher Power at work in my life.
And yet, I face my family members addiction...or the conversation with the woman from church...and I wonder what to say. I doubt the power of prayer. Why?
Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for "the addict who still suffers," I whisper 4 names to myself -- Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart. Why? Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer. I believe. I've seen it work. For those four especially, it's all I can do.
Don't just do something. Stand there and pray.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Day 118 - Sharing my story
When I entered treatment in December 2009, the ministers and friends from my church were a major part of my care. Today, I was asked to share my story at church in our "Lessons from the Contemporary Church" -- essentially a mini-lead. I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the work my Higher Power is doing in my life. I've already made at least one connection with someone who wants to talk more about their son who is my age and may be in addiction. My prayer before I spoke was that He would use His message to touch someone's heart... I was also able to meet a woman from the prayer chain; she recognized my story from recent months. I was so thankful that we have these silent but powerful prayer warriors...
The scripture passage was about Saul’s conversion, from Acts 9:1-20.
Here's a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3
Here's a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3
My name is CT. I am 41 years old. I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you.
I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. My main drug of choice was crystal meth, but I’ve used a variety of drugs since I took my first pill at age 33. During that time and since college, I’ve also used alcohol as a drug. I started drinking and drugging because it felt good. That’s where it always starts. But eventually, things got out of control. And they always do for the addict or alcoholic.
Initially, I didn’t use drugs that often. But, in the past 2-3 years, things got pretty bad for me. I have always felt out of place for one reason or another. I have been pretty successful career wise -- 19 years with the same company, moving up the company ladder with 2 international assignments and 5 company moves. Yet even with all that money and success, I felt like an impostor -- and was afraid that someday someone would figure out that I really wasn’t any good. I felt inadequate in most areas of my life -- but I knew how to play the game and wear the mask.
But the more I played this game, the worse I felt about myself. I began to lose self confidence. Two years ago, my life started getting pretty bad. I had a stressful project at work, a boss who I didn’t like, and went thru the ending of a 7 year relationship. Of course, if I hadn’t been drugging so much, I might have been able to deal with all that. But, I used more and more to feel less and less. I isolated myself from friends and family. I stopped coming to church for most of last year. And, my drug use in the last year and a half grew to pretty much every day. Quite simply, I used drugs to escape life.
I can remember some pretty rough nights towards the end of last year. I felt very empty. I finally reached the point where I couldn’t continue living like this. I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt. On December 21, 2009, I reached my bottom...I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to live or die.
Fortunately, that Monday night, I chose to live. Even though I had stopped coming to church last year, my pastors had both reached out to me. They didn’t know about my drug use, but they knew I was in a world of hurt. Pastor Mike and I had been meeting for breakfast every other Saturday for most of last year. So, when I chose life that night - literally - he was the first person I called.
I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in the town where I live. Several people from my church drove out to be with me. And I found out later, the church’s prayer chain was kicked into action while I was still on the phone with 911. I was admitted to the best drug & alcohol treatment center in Indiana the next day, spent a month off work in treatment, and have been in recovery since then. I will celebrate 4 months clean and sober on Wednesday, by the grace of God.
I’ve learned that I have the disease of addiction. But, by relying on God every day, I can make it through each day clean and sober. I don’t have to use drugs to deal with life.
I now see life through a different pair of glasses. The job I returned to was just as stressful as when I left - but I have changed. The boss I worked for was still the same -- but I have changed.
This process of recovery takes time - it’s like learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again. It will take a year or two for me to fully learn how to live life without drugs -- and even then, this is a life long process of recovery. And some days, it’s been tough...and I’ve been tempted to give up and go back to what is comfortable - as crazy as that sounds. It’s true. But I know that if I stop using the tools I’ve been given, I will go back to using or drinking. And next time, I may not survive. Most of us don’t. Not many of us - most of us.
Even amidst all of this, I know that God’s hand has been on me over the past 3 years. I have an amazing peace and am thankful for everything that has happened. I know this is exactly where I need to be because of the amazing things that God is doing in my life already. When I returned to work, people told me I was a different CT. I’ve had so many friends and family tell me how much better I look and sound. Others can see the transformation that I feel in my heart.
Let me close by being clear about one thing - this story nothing to do with CT. This isn’t about me being strong and getting my life back under control. This is about turning my life over to God. Like we’ve been taught here at our church, this is about remembering my baptism...every single day. Literally, I don’t leave my house no matter how late I am unless I get on my knees and pray -- and I admit my powerlessness over my addiction and over the things that happen in life. I have been resurrected from that point of bankruptcy and given new life. And for that, I am truly grateful.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...
I've written before about feelings. For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings. Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass! And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse. Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse. Play with fire, and you get burned. One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned. This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit. People go out, and most don't come back. People die. It's that simple.
I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past. The specifics aren't that relevant. The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously. I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power. So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build. I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory. I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.
Recovery 101. Don't.
Live in the present. Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard. The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse. Straight from Betty Crocker.
And I came damn close last night.
And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard. I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart. I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened. I was a mess.
I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power. I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go. Simple put, my ego got in the way. CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened. And look where it got me!
Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place. He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture. He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over. To let go.
Pretty simple.
And I got back where I needed to be. A little more humble. Just for today.
It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery. That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.
This time, I made it through. But next I may not.
This is real.
Play with fire, you die.
It's that simple.
Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.
I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past. The specifics aren't that relevant. The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously. I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power. So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build. I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory. I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.
Recovery 101. Don't.
Live in the present. Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard. The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse. Straight from Betty Crocker.
And I came damn close last night.
And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard. I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart. I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened. I was a mess.
I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power. I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go. Simple put, my ego got in the way. CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened. And look where it got me!
Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place. He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture. He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over. To let go.
Pretty simple.
And I got back where I needed to be. A little more humble. Just for today.
It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery. That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.
This time, I made it through. But next I may not.
This is real.
Play with fire, you die.
It's that simple.
Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 115 - Regaining my voice with NVC
In recovery, I've learned that drinking and using weren't my problems...they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper - more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my "voice" for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community...I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn't work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.
When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify. So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT. Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be! Funny...that exact line is from my "step one" video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my "day zero" -- the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment. Susan Boyle's debut album had a song titled "Who I was born to be." In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string...the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
And though I may not
Know the answers
I can finally say I am free
And if the questions
Led me here, then
I am who I was born to be
And so here am I
Open arms and ready to stand
I've got the world in my hands
And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication. It's a way of connecting with one's self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one's needs as well as seeking to understand others' needs (stated or unstated), there's a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice. It takes conscious work - and much like I'm learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it's a lot easier to live in that "space" of compassionate communication.
When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify. So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT. Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be! Funny...that exact line is from my "step one" video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my "day zero" -- the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment. Susan Boyle's debut album had a song titled "Who I was born to be." In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string...the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
And though I may not
Know the answers
I can finally say I am free
And if the questions
Led me here, then
I am who I was born to be
And so here am I
Open arms and ready to stand
I've got the world in my hands
And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication. It's a way of connecting with one's self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one's needs as well as seeking to understand others' needs (stated or unstated), there's a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice. It takes conscious work - and much like I'm learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it's a lot easier to live in that "space" of compassionate communication.
I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight. Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I'm able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received. By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!
The first situation was at dinner. Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation. I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table. I didn't yell at them. I didn't pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate. Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone's needs have equal value -- through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone's needs can be met. So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment. Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.
Did I do it perfectly? No. Was it perfectly well received? Not necessarily. The individual got a little defensive, and didn't seem very happy. Next time, I'd probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected. But, this isn't about perfection...it's about progress. So, I was glad I "got my voice" and spoke up.
The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week. The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting. They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me. They were whispering in my ear. I politely tried to ignore them without being rude. I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.
They started off the exchange saying "sorry to distract you at the meeting." But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added "but I think you like it." So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior. I simply asked, "During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority. I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy. Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?" Not a demand, a request. Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily. But he was understanding and agreed to stop. He apologized and said he didn't want me to think poorly of him. Again, I hadn't judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz. So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: "I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better. But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it."
It's usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this...it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation! But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I'll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I'm looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I'll become in my recovery and confidence. One day at a time...easy does it! But, progress feels good!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Day 114 - Reconnecting and filling out my past...
I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships...centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total -- and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group. In fact, my "CP family" has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.
M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.
When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on. (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...) I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you. You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great! Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you." What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording! I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person! This was a first! Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc. Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better! She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!
We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed. I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing. She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest. Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together. And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...
M, I love you as a sister. I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me. You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days! I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...
M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.
When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on. (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...) I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you. You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great! Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you." What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording! I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person! This was a first! Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc. Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better! She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!
We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed. I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing. She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest. Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together. And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...
M, I love you as a sister. I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me. You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days! I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 110 - The Power of a Question
I was talking to a friend yesterday. We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation. At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right! There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way. I might have been spared some pain.
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Day 106 - Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty
I've been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can't really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.
I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment. I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated. But my heart's not in it. I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.
I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern. Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head. I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours. I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest. This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment. I don't need to be obsessing about this. The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent! So, I'm trying to put that aside.
Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off. So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams. And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears. I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out. I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.
I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!). I got down on my knees and started to pray. I asked my Higher Power to take this away. I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God! I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing. But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley! It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience. The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take. Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!
I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines. The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?" I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship. And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster. I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently. It's just getting there!
In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period. It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors. Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice. It doesn't happen in 90 days! On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth. So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next. I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen. But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome. It's just finding that balance.
The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore. I can face life. I can face the uncertainty. I can face the challenges. I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!
I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment. I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated. But my heart's not in it. I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.
I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern. Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head. I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours. I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest. This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment. I don't need to be obsessing about this. The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent! So, I'm trying to put that aside.
Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off. So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams. And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears. I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out. I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.
I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!). I got down on my knees and started to pray. I asked my Higher Power to take this away. I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God! I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing. But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley! It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience. The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take. Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!
I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines. The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?" I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship. And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster. I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently. It's just getting there!
In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period. It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors. Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice. It doesn't happen in 90 days! On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth. So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next. I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen. But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome. It's just finding that balance.
The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore. I can face life. I can face the uncertainty. I can face the challenges. I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Day 105 - The joy of honesty & accountability
I'm out visiting my sister and her family this week. She's been having a lot of abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting for 2-3 days. After talking to her family doc, she was advised to head to the emergency room. Four hours later after multiple tests, they came to a diagnosis and sent her home with some meds for the nausea and pain. As the nurse handed me the meds (being the attending family member) which included narcotic pain pills, I could see a knowing but caring look in my sister's eyes. She whispered "You're not getting any of those!" And ya know - it felt great! She wasn't lecturing me or being condescending - it was half joking, but with a loving tone. After all, I had taken Xanax and narcotic pain pills from my mom and grandmother. So now the big family joke is "Guess Mom will lay off CT for having copied his sister's English paper in 9th grade." That was about the worst trouble I got into growing up...or at least the story that [used to] top the list of mom's terror stories from my childhood. Needless to say...I made up in later years ;)
What was really great about this was the level of freedom my honesty had brought. When I hit bottom, I made sure all of my family & close friends knew the whole truth. It was the deception and masks that had gotten me into so much trouble. Even my 97 year old grandmother was told, and I've received such an outpouring of love, support & understanding across the board. That in turn helps my recovery through a sound, broad support network. My sister stayed at my house for a week while I was in treatment, visiting every day. My dad came for 2 weeks while I was back at work and in outpatient treatment to help around the house. They both attended family nights at the treatment center and learned about my story, addiction in general and ways to be supportive.
Because they know everything - my sister earns the right as an accountability partner to check up on me, and to tease me (knowingly) about such situations. And I rightly reported back that the medicine bottle was sealed, so she was ok. Quite honestly, had it not been sealed - I probably would have taken alternative action just to ensure I couldn't slip something out. Today, I was in a strong enough place that it wasn't even a temptation -- but another time, and it could very well be. So, it's great having family & friends know my illness so they can support my accountability in a loving but non-codependent fashion. What joy - what freedom - what love!
What was really great about this was the level of freedom my honesty had brought. When I hit bottom, I made sure all of my family & close friends knew the whole truth. It was the deception and masks that had gotten me into so much trouble. Even my 97 year old grandmother was told, and I've received such an outpouring of love, support & understanding across the board. That in turn helps my recovery through a sound, broad support network. My sister stayed at my house for a week while I was in treatment, visiting every day. My dad came for 2 weeks while I was back at work and in outpatient treatment to help around the house. They both attended family nights at the treatment center and learned about my story, addiction in general and ways to be supportive.
Because they know everything - my sister earns the right as an accountability partner to check up on me, and to tease me (knowingly) about such situations. And I rightly reported back that the medicine bottle was sealed, so she was ok. Quite honestly, had it not been sealed - I probably would have taken alternative action just to ensure I couldn't slip something out. Today, I was in a strong enough place that it wasn't even a temptation -- but another time, and it could very well be. So, it's great having family & friends know my illness so they can support my accountability in a loving but non-codependent fashion. What joy - what freedom - what love!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 102 - Finding my "first high" again...
The night I arrived at my sister's for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew. At one point, I didn't think I'd make the performance. I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was...how he kept asking "Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!" I knew there wasn't any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!
I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy. It's electrifying! As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes." It was so POWERFUL!
I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this. My body was on fire! My senses were on overload! I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes. I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest. And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way. I was just enjoying my a*$ off! I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses. And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me. I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this. I could just see myself enjoying without limitations. And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated. It wasn't a mask. It was deep and genuine.
I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X). X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL! All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual. It was overpowering.
As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.
Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high. And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me. While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."
Now I understand - they weren't my first high!
My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!
I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!
I found that first high!
And I found it drug-free! And I found it in my own senses! I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel. And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face. It's not sadness, not loss, not grief. It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.
I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;). But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel. Life is bland. You "can't enjoy life." And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall. I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.
That was my other excitement from the night! I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW - I was on fire! I was bursting out of my skin! It was amazing. I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;) And life was good. I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what. I was at peace. And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again. Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected. I had found my feelings. I had found the ability to experience life.
And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again. It's real - it's not artificial. I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!
And, then to think that I was here with my nephew. These were the kids I took myself away from. You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered. I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.
For all of this, I am truly grateful.
All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.
Priceless ;)
I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy. It's electrifying! As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes." It was so POWERFUL!
I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this. My body was on fire! My senses were on overload! I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes. I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest. And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way. I was just enjoying my a*$ off! I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses. And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me. I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this. I could just see myself enjoying without limitations. And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated. It wasn't a mask. It was deep and genuine.
I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X). X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL! All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual. It was overpowering.
As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.
Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high. And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me. While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."
Now I understand - they weren't my first high!
My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!
I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!
I found that first high!
And I found it drug-free! And I found it in my own senses! I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel. And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face. It's not sadness, not loss, not grief. It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.
I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;). But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel. Life is bland. You "can't enjoy life." And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall. I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.
That was my other excitement from the night! I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW - I was on fire! I was bursting out of my skin! It was amazing. I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;) And life was good. I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what. I was at peace. And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again. Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected. I had found my feelings. I had found the ability to experience life.
And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again. It's real - it's not artificial. I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!
And, then to think that I was here with my nephew. These were the kids I took myself away from. You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered. I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.
For all of this, I am truly grateful.
All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.
Priceless ;)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Day 101 - In life there are no coinkidinks
I know that every step in my recovery -- even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction -- happened for a reason. The prayer I've learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.
This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today. I've been working my butt off to reach that goal. I'm thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help - for the humilty of admitting I can't do it by myself - and for the ability to realize things don't have to be perfect. Because of all of that - I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it. I'm grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work -- but creating memories and enjoying fellowship. What a blessing.
In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that's ok because I'm not in control - a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility. And I still believe he is. But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away. Thankfully, I am not responsible - it's out of my hands. I just keep him in my prayers.
And then, I'm getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven't seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn't know if I could find meth out where they live. And I couldn't be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I'm overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I'm reconnected, I realize now that it's a huge emotional event. I'm excited, but I'm scared; I'm grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I'm not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.
Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I'm at my sister's. I know I'm scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her...I said things that I shouldn't have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It's hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.
I was so busy getting ready that I wasn't processing much on my heart - though I've been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down. I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.
I got into that room...and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa. And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart. "We got into recovery, and things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is still life -- we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick." That's me! But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen...opened my heart up to the healing that was needed...and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on. But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn't really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face. And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me - to give me what I needed.
I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting. One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said "You know, CT...the best part is you don't have to drink or drug." And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It's a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet...to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging...by the grace of God.
If life there are no coinkidinks...just an abundance of miracles.
This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today. I've been working my butt off to reach that goal. I'm thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help - for the humilty of admitting I can't do it by myself - and for the ability to realize things don't have to be perfect. Because of all of that - I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it. I'm grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work -- but creating memories and enjoying fellowship. What a blessing.
In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that's ok because I'm not in control - a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility. And I still believe he is. But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away. Thankfully, I am not responsible - it's out of my hands. I just keep him in my prayers.
And then, I'm getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven't seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn't know if I could find meth out where they live. And I couldn't be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I'm overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I'm reconnected, I realize now that it's a huge emotional event. I'm excited, but I'm scared; I'm grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I'm not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.
Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I'm at my sister's. I know I'm scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her...I said things that I shouldn't have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It's hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.
I was so busy getting ready that I wasn't processing much on my heart - though I've been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down. I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.
I got into that room...and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa. And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart. "We got into recovery, and things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is still life -- we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick." That's me! But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen...opened my heart up to the healing that was needed...and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on. But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn't really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face. And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me - to give me what I needed.
I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting. One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said "You know, CT...the best part is you don't have to drink or drug." And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It's a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet...to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging...by the grace of God.
If life there are no coinkidinks...just an abundance of miracles.
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