Moving....

I'm moving my post to WordPress, and in doing so, reinvesting in the gift I receive from sharing my story -- from putting down in words what I'm thinking, feeling, experiencing.  So, please join me over at http://ctrecoveryjourney.wordpress.com/     T.

Revisiting my formula...

Yesterday I was with some friends in recovery, hanging out after the long holiday weekend. Somehow the conversation got onto engineering and math geeks and I mentioned I had come up with a personal formula for recovery when I was in treatment.  (Earlier post with my initial formula)

I showed it to one of my fellow geeks and after looking at it, she blurted out "but you're missing one thing -- other people."


I about fell on the floor.

Of course.

She was SO right.

And this isn't about being right or wrong...it was just an amazingly quick but insightful observation that spoke volumes to me...it cut right to the heart of what I've been experiencing lately...or missing lately.

As I look back, I still have a tendency to keep my distance from others, carefully guarding my inner struggles with a mask of "fine" or "ok."  When I do get into a tough situation, my natural pattern is to isolate and try to get through it on my own.  These are the patterns that have helped me survive thus far in life (on one level...), so it's natural I fall back on them.  But, I know from my own experience thus far and from what others tell me -- that approach won't work going forward. This is a "me" program that we do together.  I need the experience, strength, and hope of others around me.

I also realize that when I do hang out with others, I am not investing as much time and energy into getting to know them as I could.  The power of a question...asking about their experience.  Or just simply sharing about life.  Or doing things together.  It's been so long since I've built healthy friendships, I am not used to going beyond the initial surface...moving beyond the shallow but necessary "where are you from? etc." crap that can lead to a deeper friendship.  It's hard to just let go, experience, share and be. As one person reminded me, "come early and leave late...hang around the rooms."  I do that on one level...but I need to spend that time interacting and getting to know people.   Connecting...

But, I'm open and willing...they tell me that's what I need to grow and (re)discovery who I am.

So just for today, I will seek out others.  I'll revisit my formula and acknowledge that it IS missing one thing...the other people in my recovery.

Checking my motives...I'm back!

In May, I had started to notice a shift in my motives for this blog.  I was paying more attention to the tracking metrics of how many people were hitting the site than I was my step work.  I was more fascinated by the ratio of new to repeat visitors and which blogs were being read the most than I was by the sharing I was hearing in meetings.  Quite simply - my motives shifted and they needed to get back in check!

So, I've taken some time for me this past month.  I've needed to refocus, check my motives, reengage in my job search and balance some aspects of my life.  With a week of traveling and a week of family visits, I looked back on the month and realized I hadn't posted for a single job since April 26th!  While I believe my Higher Power is in control...and I'm powerless over the sale of my house, finding a new job, etc -- a job isn't going to fall into my lap!  I need to do the legwork -- the next right thing.

But, in recent days, I've felt like getting back to my blogging.  It does help me to write and be aware of what is going on.  Throughout the day, if I know that I'm blogging and doing a photo journal, I find myself that much more tuned into life's little messages.  And, being a little more tuned in helps me be more present, more connected with my Higher Power, and more aware of others around me.  All that is good!  Very good for my recovery!

And, I'm giving myself a break...easy does it!  If my motives aren't pure, that's ok!  As long as in the balance, they are more ego-less than ego-centric, I'm ok.  A line from Invictus reminded me of this.  The captain for the South African rugby team is meeting with Nelson Mandella.  Mr. Mandella asks him how is ankle is after a recent injury.  "To be honest, you never really play at 100%" -- to which Mr. Mandella responds, "As in life..."  So yes, I'm rarely firing on all cylinders, perfectly balanced...and yet, in spite of that, my HP finds way of bringing good out of my actions.

I thank a couple of people who have written me recently on Facebook to let me know how this blog has impacted them.  I'm an open book because I've been given the gift and willingness.  As they say in the rooms, I do it selfishly because it helps keep me clean and sober.  But, if in doing so, someone's Higher Power is able to use something I've experienced and written about to touch someone else, then Glory to HP!

And no, that's not a competitive plug against Dell or IBM ;)