Revisiting my formula...

Yesterday I was with some friends in recovery, hanging out after the long holiday weekend. Somehow the conversation got onto engineering and math geeks and I mentioned I had come up with a personal formula for recovery when I was in treatment.  (Earlier post with my initial formula)

I showed it to one of my fellow geeks and after looking at it, she blurted out "but you're missing one thing -- other people."


I about fell on the floor.

Of course.

She was SO right.

And this isn't about being right or wrong...it was just an amazingly quick but insightful observation that spoke volumes to me...it cut right to the heart of what I've been experiencing lately...or missing lately.

As I look back, I still have a tendency to keep my distance from others, carefully guarding my inner struggles with a mask of "fine" or "ok."  When I do get into a tough situation, my natural pattern is to isolate and try to get through it on my own.  These are the patterns that have helped me survive thus far in life (on one level...), so it's natural I fall back on them.  But, I know from my own experience thus far and from what others tell me -- that approach won't work going forward. This is a "me" program that we do together.  I need the experience, strength, and hope of others around me.

I also realize that when I do hang out with others, I am not investing as much time and energy into getting to know them as I could.  The power of a question...asking about their experience.  Or just simply sharing about life.  Or doing things together.  It's been so long since I've built healthy friendships, I am not used to going beyond the initial surface...moving beyond the shallow but necessary "where are you from? etc." crap that can lead to a deeper friendship.  It's hard to just let go, experience, share and be. As one person reminded me, "come early and leave late...hang around the rooms."  I do that on one level...but I need to spend that time interacting and getting to know people.   Connecting...

But, I'm open and willing...they tell me that's what I need to grow and (re)discovery who I am.

So just for today, I will seek out others.  I'll revisit my formula and acknowledge that it IS missing one thing...the other people in my recovery.

Day 126 - Hurting people hurt...so find the source of the pain!

A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I've been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging...  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...

I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out.  I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on.  That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out."  My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn't make them go away.  I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass...  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...

I've written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass!  And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned.  This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit.  People go out, and most don't come back.  People die.  It's that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren't that relevant.  The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously.  I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don't.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.



It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It's that simple.



Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.

Day 114 - Reconnecting and filling out my past...

I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships...centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total -- and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group.  In fact, my "CP family" has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.

M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.

When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on.  (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...)  I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you.  You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great!  Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you."  What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording!  I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person!  This was a first!  Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc.  Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better!  She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!

We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed.  I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing.  She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest.  Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.  And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...

M, I love you as a sister.  I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me.  You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days!  I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...

Day 110 - The Power of a Question

I was talking to a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation.  At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right!  There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way.  I might have been spared some pain.

But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion!  I never asked for help.  I never sought counsel.  And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice.  They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place.  If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat?  And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing.  Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!

So why am I putting this on them?!?  It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability!  What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice.  That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives.  It's still up to me to make choices and take action.  But it helps me with different points of view.  It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability.  I know I didn't "put those vibes off."  If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!

It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives.  They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?

Day 105 - The joy of honesty & accountability

I'm out visiting my sister and her family this week.  She's been having a lot of abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting for 2-3 days. After talking to her family doc, she was advised to head to the emergency room.  Four hours later after multiple tests, they came to a diagnosis and sent her home with some meds for the nausea and pain.  As the nurse handed me the meds (being the attending family member) which included narcotic pain pills, I could see a knowing but caring look in my sister's eyes.  She whispered "You're not getting any of those!" And ya know - it felt great!  She wasn't lecturing me or being condescending - it was half joking, but with a loving tone.  After all, I had taken Xanax and narcotic pain pills from my mom and grandmother. So now the big family joke is "Guess Mom will lay off CT for having copied his sister's English paper in 9th grade."  That was about the worst trouble I got into growing up...or at least the story that [used to] top the list of mom's terror stories from my childhood.  Needless to say...I made up in later years ;)

What was really great about this was the level of freedom my honesty had brought. When I hit bottom, I made sure all of my family & close friends knew the whole truth. It was the deception and masks that had gotten me into so much trouble.  Even my 97 year old grandmother was told, and I've received such an outpouring of love, support & understanding across the board.  That in turn helps my recovery through a sound, broad support network. My sister stayed at my house for a week while I was in treatment, visiting every day.  My dad came for 2 weeks while I was back at work and in outpatient treatment to help around the house. They both attended family nights at the treatment center and learned about my story, addiction in general and ways to be supportive.

Because they know everything - my sister earns the right as an accountability partner to check up on me, and to tease me (knowingly) about such situations.  And I rightly reported back that the medicine bottle was sealed, so she was ok.  Quite honestly, had it not been sealed - I probably would have taken alternative action just to ensure I couldn't slip something out.  Today, I was in a strong enough place that it wasn't even a temptation -- but another time, and it could very well be.  So, it's great having family & friends know my illness so they can support my accountability in a loving but non-codependent fashion.  What joy - what freedom - what love!