I was going through my notebook from treatment and came across a good-bye letter I wrote to my drug of choice, crystal meth. It was an exercise during inpatient they had us do as we left inpatient to whatever next phase of treatment we were heading. It was a way to bring closure to the ending relationship with our "best friend." We read these out loud to our group. Since I came across it, I thought I'd share it here.
Dear Crystal
I never felt like I fit in - I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in. I've moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.
Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago. You've taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available -- ecstasy, GHB, pot, "special K," cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you're the one who always reached out to me - called me - called me back - never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention. Thank you.
You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC - crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it's been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn't want to leave you. I missed my grandmother's 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn't sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn't take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother...and missed her funeral...because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.
That is my friend.
That is my best friend.
That's bullshit.
What do they say -- with friends like you, who needs enemies.
Crystal Meth, I'm ending this friendship. Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.
Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.
Crystal Meth, I'm tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.
Crystal Meth, I'm no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I'm going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.
Crystal Meth, I'm replacing you with my new thirteen best friends...the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I'm reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.
Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.
Signed,
CT
January 4, 2010
As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course). I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:
CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT' where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}
CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power...multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime '
^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}
*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity --> Father, Son and Holy Spirit...so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 ;)
Showing posts with label consequences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label consequences. Show all posts
Monday, March 22, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Day 81 - Embracing my feelings as a human being
Today, I met with my realtor about putting the house on the market. I also talked through my financial situation with an accountability partner - sizing up the reality that is facing me. I got through everything fine. Oh wait - what does FINE stand for? Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Or something like that... I wasn't that bad! It's just that fine is about as descriptive as interesting, or good or nice.
This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting. But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest. My mind started wandering...and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me. I started to feel it...funk funk... Next thing I know, I didn't want to get out for my planned meeting!
I text'd a brother "MS" from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don't feel like going is exactly when we need to go! For me, it's the equivalent of my insulin shot...hitting a meeting. And where I am now...getting through my changes and losses...I need it daily!!! If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die. If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.
My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money - in having a job - in having a plan. Until my first court date in April, there's not much point in making too many plans. In order to become a "productive member of society" as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery. He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working. Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work - on what I do, or how much I make. That's changing - for the better. I'm learning to value me for who I am - and others for who they are. But, change is uncomfortable - unsettling - unfamiliar! Recognize it...and work through it. It will take time - and practice. Now's my time to practice! What a gift!
Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing. What does that really look like? Well, right now - it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job. With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be. That provides some relief -- some space to "be." I need to focus on my recovery - strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery. On the financial side, I need to sell me house. It's a cash flow thing...and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow! I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week. So, that's my job now - and it "pays!" It slows the bleeding financially.
Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house. That gets me through the next five weeks until court. And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my "B game" or "C game" - to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it's going to take to solidify this recovery. So, slow down, CT...stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what's next...stay in the moment. I'm right where I need to be. I just need to do the right next thing...and not get too far ahead of myself. Be real and easy does it!
As for my feelings, this "chat" sums things up best...how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!
MS: Glad you made it to the meeting You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it's ok. I don't have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That's an odd combination for me, "Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings"
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It's a healing process
Me: Amen. Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry
This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting. But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest. My mind started wandering...and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me. I started to feel it...funk funk... Next thing I know, I didn't want to get out for my planned meeting!
I text'd a brother "MS" from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don't feel like going is exactly when we need to go! For me, it's the equivalent of my insulin shot...hitting a meeting. And where I am now...getting through my changes and losses...I need it daily!!! If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die. If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.
My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money - in having a job - in having a plan. Until my first court date in April, there's not much point in making too many plans. In order to become a "productive member of society" as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery. He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working. Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work - on what I do, or how much I make. That's changing - for the better. I'm learning to value me for who I am - and others for who they are. But, change is uncomfortable - unsettling - unfamiliar! Recognize it...and work through it. It will take time - and practice. Now's my time to practice! What a gift!
Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing. What does that really look like? Well, right now - it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job. With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be. That provides some relief -- some space to "be." I need to focus on my recovery - strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery. On the financial side, I need to sell me house. It's a cash flow thing...and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow! I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week. So, that's my job now - and it "pays!" It slows the bleeding financially.
Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house. That gets me through the next five weeks until court. And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my "B game" or "C game" - to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it's going to take to solidify this recovery. So, slow down, CT...stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what's next...stay in the moment. I'm right where I need to be. I just need to do the right next thing...and not get too far ahead of myself. Be real and easy does it!
As for my feelings, this "chat" sums things up best...how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!
MS: Glad you made it to the meeting You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it's ok. I don't have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That's an odd combination for me, "Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings"
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It's a healing process
Me: Amen. Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Day 75 - Another step in my journey
A letter to friends...
Let me start this update by saying I continue to be grateful beyond belief for the many blessings in my life today -- on my road of recovery. For those who may not be aware, I went into treatment on December 21, 2009 for drug addiction. Over two months later, I'm doing well in my recovery. I was in rehab for a month of inpatient and partial hospitalization. I returned to work on January 20th with a new lease on life. I completed six weeks of evening outpatient therapy on Monday of last week and will continue a life long road of recovery.
For those of you who have seen my "Step One Video," you have seen how God was watching over me in the past years. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for being where I am today -- for learning to "fall in love again" with myself, for who I am, and for who I am becoming. I am reconnecting with close friends and family with whom I've grown distance because of my active addiction. I'm rediscovering who I am is -- not what I do. I'm not defined by what I do. I'm a human being - not a "human doing." Quite simply, I've been reminded I'm a child of a loving God, here to find and leverage the abundance of life to the best of my abilities. I've been blessed with gifts that I have squandered and underutilized -- but now I see the possibilities through conversations and in community. For that I am truly grateful. Full stop, no reservations.
Ten days ago on a Friday at 4pm, as expected, I was informed by the local police that a warrant for my arrest had been issued. [The charges relate to a search of my house in December after coming close to committing suicide via a drug overdose, followed by a call to 911 -- the event that led to my treatment and recovery.] Although I was glad the police were courteous and notified me of the warrant, I had a rough weekend nonetheless. I found myself running from my feelings and falling into old routines to numb myself. By the grace of God, I didn't use drugs or drink -- but I was in relapse. Spiritually and mentally, I relapsed -- this is as much a spiritual and mental disease as it is a physical disease. I didn't use the tools I've learned in recovery to short circuit the cycle soon enough to maintain a healthy, balanced outlook. Thankfully, God didn't abandon me - nor will He. My devotional reading that morning was about anxiety..."God didn't bring you this far into recovery to abandon you." Lesson learned.
I was encouraged to turn myself in. Three days later, on Monday March 1, I did so. I had things arranged with my lawyer and a friend. With gratitude for the speed and simplicity, I was released after being in jail for 4 hours. The judge set an extremely low bail given my charges because I had turned myself in. "If you were going to run, you would have already done it by now," said he. The only other funny part (well there were lots of little tidbits) -- I was actually walked over from the jail to the courthouse for the hearing...outside about a block and half! Had any of my friends been there, I could update my facebook photo with me wearing my little orange jail outfit and handcuffs! But, alas -- better to have a good memory than a bad picture! Or in this case -- a bad memory instead of a good picture ;)
My next court appearance is in May. With my charges, there are provisions for this being my first offense to have some of that reduced and serve just probation. But, let's not get ahead of things. It is what it is...I'm at peace...and God's hand continues to be in my life. For that I'm very thankful. I knew at the time that my actions warrant whatever comes -- it's only by the grace of God that I'll see less than what's due. I'll continue to leave things in His hands and focus my mind and energy on my recovery and helping others.
On Friday March 5th, following my employer's policy on Substance Abuse, I informed my management and HR of my arrest and the nature of the charges. At 4:30pm that afternoon, after a 19+ year career, I was terminated for violation of that policy because of my arrest. The reason I was given -- working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it could jeopardize the firm's reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance -- but essentially, that's what I learned. I understand their decision. I don't agree with the steps they took - but I understand the decision. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions which led to these consequences. I wish things had turned out otherwise -- that other factors would have been taken into consideration relating to my treatment. I've been honest with my management and HR since I returned to work on Jan 20th about the possibilities of legal action. I am sad that they lacked the integrity to be equally honest with me about what actions would result should I be arrested. I'm disappointed... angry... and feel betrayed by a company to which I gave many years of faithful and dedicated service. My feelings are all healthy and expected reactions. But for my health, I must work through them -- to feel and process them in due time but not hold onto grudges or resentments. Resentment is at the heart of a relapse -- at the heart of much addictive behavior -- and that I can not afford.
Step 1 teaches me to admit that I'm powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. In admitting powerlessness, I must eventually come to the point where I surrender my will and my life to my Higher Power who can and will restore me to sanity. On Friday, I finally understood this on a deeper level and "worked" that first step even harder.
I surrender...
I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1. It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the recovery community and my feelings that I will stay clean and sober...just for today.
I'm grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I can not ignore my part in these events -- my behaviors and choices are at the root of my situation and I'm simply grateful to be where I am today...alive and in recovery. This past weekend, unlike the relapse I had a week ago, I found the strength and courage to use the tools I've learned in treatment to get me through each day thus far without a relapse. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life -- because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.
I know who's in control -- as long as I stop hopping in the driver's seat, I'll be just fine ;) I can honestly see this already as a blessing. The timing and circumstances are unfortunate -- but from this I will learn much which will only make me stronger. I will spend some time figuring out what is in store for me in this next chapter of life. I pray simply to know God's will for my life and the strength to carry it out.
Let me start this update by saying I continue to be grateful beyond belief for the many blessings in my life today -- on my road of recovery. For those who may not be aware, I went into treatment on December 21, 2009 for drug addiction. Over two months later, I'm doing well in my recovery. I was in rehab for a month of inpatient and partial hospitalization. I returned to work on January 20th with a new lease on life. I completed six weeks of evening outpatient therapy on Monday of last week and will continue a life long road of recovery.
For those of you who have seen my "Step One Video," you have seen how God was watching over me in the past years. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for being where I am today -- for learning to "fall in love again" with myself, for who I am, and for who I am becoming. I am reconnecting with close friends and family with whom I've grown distance because of my active addiction. I'm rediscovering who I am is -- not what I do. I'm not defined by what I do. I'm a human being - not a "human doing." Quite simply, I've been reminded I'm a child of a loving God, here to find and leverage the abundance of life to the best of my abilities. I've been blessed with gifts that I have squandered and underutilized -- but now I see the possibilities through conversations and in community. For that I am truly grateful. Full stop, no reservations.
Ten days ago on a Friday at 4pm, as expected, I was informed by the local police that a warrant for my arrest had been issued. [The charges relate to a search of my house in December after coming close to committing suicide via a drug overdose, followed by a call to 911 -- the event that led to my treatment and recovery.] Although I was glad the police were courteous and notified me of the warrant, I had a rough weekend nonetheless. I found myself running from my feelings and falling into old routines to numb myself. By the grace of God, I didn't use drugs or drink -- but I was in relapse. Spiritually and mentally, I relapsed -- this is as much a spiritual and mental disease as it is a physical disease. I didn't use the tools I've learned in recovery to short circuit the cycle soon enough to maintain a healthy, balanced outlook. Thankfully, God didn't abandon me - nor will He. My devotional reading that morning was about anxiety..."God didn't bring you this far into recovery to abandon you." Lesson learned.
I was encouraged to turn myself in. Three days later, on Monday March 1, I did so. I had things arranged with my lawyer and a friend. With gratitude for the speed and simplicity, I was released after being in jail for 4 hours. The judge set an extremely low bail given my charges because I had turned myself in. "If you were going to run, you would have already done it by now," said he. The only other funny part (well there were lots of little tidbits) -- I was actually walked over from the jail to the courthouse for the hearing...outside about a block and half! Had any of my friends been there, I could update my facebook photo with me wearing my little orange jail outfit and handcuffs! But, alas -- better to have a good memory than a bad picture! Or in this case -- a bad memory instead of a good picture ;)
My next court appearance is in May. With my charges, there are provisions for this being my first offense to have some of that reduced and serve just probation. But, let's not get ahead of things. It is what it is...I'm at peace...and God's hand continues to be in my life. For that I'm very thankful. I knew at the time that my actions warrant whatever comes -- it's only by the grace of God that I'll see less than what's due. I'll continue to leave things in His hands and focus my mind and energy on my recovery and helping others.
On Friday March 5th, following my employer's policy on Substance Abuse, I informed my management and HR of my arrest and the nature of the charges. At 4:30pm that afternoon, after a 19+ year career, I was terminated for violation of that policy because of my arrest. The reason I was given -- working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it could jeopardize the firm's reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance -- but essentially, that's what I learned. I understand their decision. I don't agree with the steps they took - but I understand the decision. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions which led to these consequences. I wish things had turned out otherwise -- that other factors would have been taken into consideration relating to my treatment. I've been honest with my management and HR since I returned to work on Jan 20th about the possibilities of legal action. I am sad that they lacked the integrity to be equally honest with me about what actions would result should I be arrested. I'm disappointed... angry... and feel betrayed by a company to which I gave many years of faithful and dedicated service. My feelings are all healthy and expected reactions. But for my health, I must work through them -- to feel and process them in due time but not hold onto grudges or resentments. Resentment is at the heart of a relapse -- at the heart of much addictive behavior -- and that I can not afford.
I surrender...
I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1. It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the recovery community and my feelings that I will stay clean and sober...just for today.
I'm grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I can not ignore my part in these events -- my behaviors and choices are at the root of my situation and I'm simply grateful to be where I am today...alive and in recovery. This past weekend, unlike the relapse I had a week ago, I found the strength and courage to use the tools I've learned in treatment to get me through each day thus far without a relapse. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life -- because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.
I know who's in control -- as long as I stop hopping in the driver's seat, I'll be just fine ;) I can honestly see this already as a blessing. The timing and circumstances are unfortunate -- but from this I will learn much which will only make me stronger. I will spend some time figuring out what is in store for me in this next chapter of life. I pray simply to know God's will for my life and the strength to carry it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
