Checking my motives...I'm back!

In May, I had started to notice a shift in my motives for this blog.  I was paying more attention to the tracking metrics of how many people were hitting the site than I was my step work.  I was more fascinated by the ratio of new to repeat visitors and which blogs were being read the most than I was by the sharing I was hearing in meetings.  Quite simply - my motives shifted and they needed to get back in check!

So, I've taken some time for me this past month.  I've needed to refocus, check my motives, reengage in my job search and balance some aspects of my life.  With a week of traveling and a week of family visits, I looked back on the month and realized I hadn't posted for a single job since April 26th!  While I believe my Higher Power is in control...and I'm powerless over the sale of my house, finding a new job, etc -- a job isn't going to fall into my lap!  I need to do the legwork -- the next right thing.

But, in recent days, I've felt like getting back to my blogging.  It does help me to write and be aware of what is going on.  Throughout the day, if I know that I'm blogging and doing a photo journal, I find myself that much more tuned into life's little messages.  And, being a little more tuned in helps me be more present, more connected with my Higher Power, and more aware of others around me.  All that is good!  Very good for my recovery!

And, I'm giving myself a break...easy does it!  If my motives aren't pure, that's ok!  As long as in the balance, they are more ego-less than ego-centric, I'm ok.  A line from Invictus reminded me of this.  The captain for the South African rugby team is meeting with Nelson Mandella.  Mr. Mandella asks him how is ankle is after a recent injury.  "To be honest, you never really play at 100%" -- to which Mr. Mandella responds, "As in life..."  So yes, I'm rarely firing on all cylinders, perfectly balanced...and yet, in spite of that, my HP finds way of bringing good out of my actions.

I thank a couple of people who have written me recently on Facebook to let me know how this blog has impacted them.  I'm an open book because I've been given the gift and willingness.  As they say in the rooms, I do it selfishly because it helps keep me clean and sober.  But, if in doing so, someone's Higher Power is able to use something I've experienced and written about to touch someone else, then Glory to HP!

And no, that's not a competitive plug against Dell or IBM ;)

Day 144 - Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through

They say that my stinking thinking got me here...that if I really was "all that" and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness -- to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong - to be in control - to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this...TWICE!  I particularly like the one book's way of framing things.

"Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources."

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference - the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said "You may discover that your greatest 'flaw' is in fact your greatest asset."

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story - to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can't keep it if I don't give it away, they say.  I don't know where this journey will take me -- I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest...and let my Higher Power be in control.  It's in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 142 - Taking back control...a lesson in self-will

I've learned recently that my recovery isn't just about admitting I'm powerless over my addictions.  It's really about admitting I'm powerless over life in general.  Life happens.  I'm learning how to live it on life terms, not the terms of a meth addict.  In doing so, I must learn to give up control.  Otherwise, the stress and futility of being back in the driver's seat will drive me to drink or use again.  Literally.

As I learned this painful lesson, I started to incorporate admitting I'm powerless over x, y, z in life into my daily prayers.  Every morning now, I turn over the sale of my house, my job search, and my legal situations to my Higher Power, admitting I'm powerless over their outcomes and leaving them in His hands.  I do the legwork -- "do the next right thing" to make sure I'm doing my part.  But, beyond that, it's out of my hands.

I do pretty well with the legal situation - because in my heart, I know I'm truly incapable of influencing the outcome.  The best I can do is stay clean and sober -- the rest is up to the lawyers and the judge.  But, in situations like the sale of my house, it's easy for me to get "conned" into taking control back over.  That happened this week for me - and it was a lesson in self-will.

I had a project to finish - laying flooring in one room.  It's been a need long before I got clean and sober -- another unfinished project.  As an active addict, I didn't care.  As a recovering addict, I still fall into those patterns of thinking sometimes.  But, I realize that I'm also afraid of failure - of screwing it up.  Without realizing it, that fear grips me and keeps me sometimes from even starting, from even trying.  I'm also a perfectionist.  And again, without realizing it, sometimes the fear of not doing something perfectly keeps me from doing it at all.  Sound logic right - if I never do something, I can't fail...and I can't do it incorrectly (not perfectly) if I don't do it at all!  (And sometimes I question whether I really need to be restored to sanity - to sound thinking, with sound judgement!!!)

I know that approach is not realistic...and it's not living life on life's terms!

But more importantly this time, I now realize that I put SO much pressure on myself to get the project done before the next showing that I started to believe that the outcome of the next showing was 100% dependent on the project being done.  If I didn't do this, the house wouldn't sell!  I had taking back control of the house sale.  It wasn't the realtor, it wasn't the buyer, it wasn't my Higher Power controlling the outcome.  It was CT -- and the awaiting floors.  About mid-way through the project -- when it was clear I wasn't going to finish in time, after procrastinating and dawdling, I kinda lost it.  I got frustrated and stressed enough that I threw the hammer down (on the sub-flooring thank goodness!) and screamed out loud -- "I can't do this - this is crazy."  In my mind, I was telling myself I was stupid, incapable, hopeless...nothing had changed and I was just as crazy as before.   The next thought in that sequence would be "so I might as well go back and use, cause at least I'd feel good!"

I stopped, and took a deep breath.  By God's grace, I realized I needed to shift my thinking...or this would continue, and that next thought would come to mind and perhaps, get played out.  That was my normal pattern - - get frustrated and overwhelmed, but in true competitive spirit, never admit defeat.  With the tools of recovery, I had a choice.  I could change the direction of my stinking thinking!

So, I stood up and stopped.  I went downstairs and laid down.  I started to pray, to re-center on my Higher Power and the spiritual truth that I wasn't in control - He was.  The outcome of the house sale wasn't in my hands - it was in His.  The sale did NOT depend, as arrogant and self-centered as it now sounds, on the sole effort of laying new flooring in the room!

I let go, and let God back in.

Now, do I still need to do the legwork - yes.  Should I continue to procrastinate and let fear grip me - no.  But, can I do the legwork in a calm, peaceful and joyful manner, knowing where it fits into the bigger picture?   Absolutely.

So, I think I'll hop out (again) of the driver's seat and settle back in for the ride.  I have a much better chance of getting where I need to go! ;)

Day 126 - Hurting people hurt...so find the source of the pain!

A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I've been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging...  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...

I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out.  I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on.  That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out."  My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn't make them go away.  I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass...  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 118 - Sharing my story

When I entered treatment in December 2009, the ministers and friends from my church were a major part of my care.  Today, I was asked to share my story at church in our "Lessons from the Contemporary Church" -- essentially a mini-lead.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the work my Higher Power is doing in my life. I've already made at least one connection with someone who wants to talk more about their son who is my age and may be in addiction.  My prayer before I spoke was that He would use His message to touch someone's heart...  I was also able to meet a woman from the prayer chain; she recognized my story from recent months.  I was so thankful that we have these silent but powerful prayer warriors...

The scripture passage was about Saul’s conversion, from Acts 9:1-20.

Here's a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3

My name is CT. I am 41 years old.  I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you. 

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. My main drug of choice was crystal meth, but I’ve used a variety of drugs since I took my first pill at age 33.  During that time and since college, I’ve also used alcohol as a drug.  I started drinking and drugging because it felt good.  That’s where it always starts.  But eventually, things got out of control.  And they always do for the addict or alcoholic.

Initially, I didn’t use drugs that often.  But, in the past 2-3 years, things got pretty bad for me.  I have always felt out of place for one reason or another.  I have been pretty successful career wise -- 19 years with the same company, moving up the company ladder with 2 international assignments and 5 company moves.  Yet even with all that money and success, I felt like an impostor -- and was afraid that someday someone would figure out that I really wasn’t any good.  I felt inadequate in most areas of my life -- but I knew how to play the game and wear the mask. 

But the more I played this game, the worse I felt about myself. I began to lose self confidence.  Two years ago, my life started getting pretty bad.  I had a stressful project at work, a boss who I didn’t like, and went thru the ending of a 7 year relationship.  Of course, if I hadn’t been drugging so much, I might have been able to deal with all that.  But, I used more and more to feel less and less.  I isolated myself from friends and family.  I stopped coming to church for most of last year.  And, my drug use in the last year and a half grew to pretty much every day.   Quite simply, I used drugs to escape life.  

I can remember some pretty rough nights towards the end of last year.  I felt very empty.  I finally reached the point where I couldn’t continue living like this.  I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.  On December 21, 2009, I reached my bottom...I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to live or die.

Fortunately, that Monday night, I chose to live.  Even though I had stopped coming to church last year, my pastors had both reached out to me.  They didn’t know about my drug use, but they knew I was in a world of hurt.  Pastor Mike and I had been meeting for breakfast every other Saturday for most of last year.  So, when I chose life that night - literally - he was the first person I called.  

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in the town where I live.  Several people from my church drove out to be with me.  And I found out later, the church’s prayer chain was kicked into action while I was still on the phone with 911.  I was admitted to the best drug & alcohol treatment center in Indiana the next day, spent a month off work in treatment, and have been in recovery since then.  I will celebrate 4 months clean and sober on Wednesday, by the grace of God.

I’ve learned that I have the disease of addiction.  But, by relying on God every day, I can make it through each day clean and sober.  I don’t have to use drugs to deal with life.  

I now see life through a different pair of glasses.  The job I returned to was just as stressful as when I left - but I have changed.  The boss I worked for was still the same -- but I have changed.  

This process of recovery takes time - it’s like learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  It will take a year or two for me to fully learn how to live life without drugs -- and even then, this is a life long process of recovery.  And some days, it’s been tough...and I’ve been tempted to give up and go back to what is comfortable - as crazy as that sounds.  It’s true.  But I know that if I stop using the tools I’ve been given, I will go back to using or drinking.  And next time, I may not survive.  Most of us don’t.  Not many of us - most of us.

Even amidst all of this, I know that God’s hand has been on me over the past 3 years. I have an amazing peace and am thankful for everything that has happened.  I know this is exactly where I need to be because of the amazing things that God is doing in my life already.  When I returned to work, people told me I was a different CT.  I’ve had so many friends and family tell me how much better I look and sound.  Others can see the transformation that I feel in my heart.

Let me close by being clear about one thing - this story nothing to do with CT. This isn’t about me being strong and getting my life back under control.  This is about turning my life over to God. Like we’ve been taught here at our church, this is about remembering my baptism...every single day.  Literally, I don’t leave my house no matter how late I am unless I get on my knees and pray -- and I admit my powerlessness over my addiction and over the things that happen in life.  I have been resurrected from that point of bankruptcy and given new life.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...

I've written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass!  And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned.  This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit.  People go out, and most don't come back.  People die.  It's that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren't that relevant.  The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously.  I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don't.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.



It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It's that simple.



Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.

Day 106 - Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty

I've been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can't really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.

I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment.  I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated.  But my heart's not in it.  I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.

I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern.  Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head.  I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours.  I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest.  This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment.  I don't need to be obsessing about this.  The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent!   So, I'm trying to put that aside.

Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off.  So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams.  And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears.  I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out.  I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.

I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!).  I got down on my knees and started to pray.  I asked my Higher Power to take this away.  I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God!  I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing.  But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley!  It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience.  The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take.  Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!

I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines.  The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?"  I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship.  And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster.  I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently.  It's just getting there!

In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period.  It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors.  Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice.  It doesn't happen in 90 days!  On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth.  So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next.  I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen.  But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome.  It's just finding that balance.

The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore.  I can face life.  I can face the uncertainty.  I can face the challenges.  I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!

Day 102 - Finding my "first high" again...

The night I arrived at my sister's for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew.  At one point, I didn't think I'd make the performance.  I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was...how he kept asking "Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!" I knew there wasn't any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!

I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy.  It's electrifying!  As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes."  It was so POWERFUL!

I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this.  My body was on fire!  My senses were on overload!  I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes.  I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest.  And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way.  I was just enjoying my a*$ off!  I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses.  And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me.  I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this.  I could just see myself enjoying without limitations.  And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated.  It wasn't a mask.  It was deep and genuine.


I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X).  X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL!  All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual.  It was overpowering.

As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.

Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high.  And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me.    While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."

Now I understand - they weren't my first high!

My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!  


I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!

I found that first high!

And I found it drug-free!  And I found it in my own senses!  I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel.  And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face.  It's not sadness, not loss, not grief.  It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.


I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;).  But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel.  Life is bland.  You "can't enjoy life."  And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall.  I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.

That was my other excitement from the night!  I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW -  I was on fire!  I was bursting out of my skin!  It was amazing.  I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;)  And life was good.  I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what.  I was at peace.  And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again.  Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected.  I had found my feelings.  I had found the ability to experience life.

And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again.  It's real - it's not artificial.  I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!


And, then to think that I was here with my nephew.  These were the kids I took myself away from.  You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered.  I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.

For all of this, I am truly grateful.

All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.

Priceless ;)

Day 101 - In life there are no coinkidinks

I know that every step in my recovery -- even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction -- happened for a reason. The prayer I've learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.

This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today.  I've been working my butt off to reach that goal. I'm thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help - for the humilty of admitting I can't do it by myself - and for the ability to realize things don't have to be perfect. Because of all of that - I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it.  I'm grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work -- but creating memories and enjoying fellowship.  What a blessing.

In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that's ok because I'm not in control - a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility.  And I still believe he is.  But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away.  Thankfully, I am not responsible - it's out of my hands.  I just keep him in my prayers.

And then, I'm getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven't seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn't know if I could find meth out where they live.  And I couldn't be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I'm overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I'm reconnected, I realize now that it's a huge emotional event. I'm excited, but I'm scared; I'm grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I'm not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.

Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I'm at my sister's. I know I'm scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her...I said things that I shouldn't have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It's hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.

I was so busy getting ready that I wasn't processing much on my heart - though I've been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down.  I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.

I got into that room...and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa.  And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart.  "We got into recovery, and things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life -- we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick."  That's me!  But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen...opened my heart up to the healing that was needed...and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on.  But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn't really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face.  And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me - to give me what I needed. 

I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting.  One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said "You know, CT...the best part is you don't have to drink or drug." And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It's a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet...to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging...by the grace of God. 

If life there are no coinkidinks...just an abundance of miracles.