Checking my motives...I'm back!

In May, I had started to notice a shift in my motives for this blog.  I was paying more attention to the tracking metrics of how many people were hitting the site than I was my step work.  I was more fascinated by the ratio of new to repeat visitors and which blogs were being read the most than I was by the sharing I was hearing in meetings.  Quite simply - my motives shifted and they needed to get back in check!

So, I've taken some time for me this past month.  I've needed to refocus, check my motives, reengage in my job search and balance some aspects of my life.  With a week of traveling and a week of family visits, I looked back on the month and realized I hadn't posted for a single job since April 26th!  While I believe my Higher Power is in control...and I'm powerless over the sale of my house, finding a new job, etc -- a job isn't going to fall into my lap!  I need to do the legwork -- the next right thing.

But, in recent days, I've felt like getting back to my blogging.  It does help me to write and be aware of what is going on.  Throughout the day, if I know that I'm blogging and doing a photo journal, I find myself that much more tuned into life's little messages.  And, being a little more tuned in helps me be more present, more connected with my Higher Power, and more aware of others around me.  All that is good!  Very good for my recovery!

And, I'm giving myself a break...easy does it!  If my motives aren't pure, that's ok!  As long as in the balance, they are more ego-less than ego-centric, I'm ok.  A line from Invictus reminded me of this.  The captain for the South African rugby team is meeting with Nelson Mandella.  Mr. Mandella asks him how is ankle is after a recent injury.  "To be honest, you never really play at 100%" -- to which Mr. Mandella responds, "As in life..."  So yes, I'm rarely firing on all cylinders, perfectly balanced...and yet, in spite of that, my HP finds way of bringing good out of my actions.

I thank a couple of people who have written me recently on Facebook to let me know how this blog has impacted them.  I'm an open book because I've been given the gift and willingness.  As they say in the rooms, I do it selfishly because it helps keep me clean and sober.  But, if in doing so, someone's Higher Power is able to use something I've experienced and written about to touch someone else, then Glory to HP!

And no, that's not a competitive plug against Dell or IBM ;)

Day 144 - Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through

They say that my stinking thinking got me here...that if I really was "all that" and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness -- to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong - to be in control - to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this...TWICE!  I particularly like the one book's way of framing things.

"Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources."

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference - the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said "You may discover that your greatest 'flaw' is in fact your greatest asset."

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story - to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can't keep it if I don't give it away, they say.  I don't know where this journey will take me -- I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest...and let my Higher Power be in control.  It's in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance

A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn't.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  

He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment."  Self reliant - confident - in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.  

In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation.  I'll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.

Day 120 - Family ties that burden our hearts

The devotional I read this morning spoke to the family ties with this disease.  Addiction is a family disease but we could only change ourselves.  As an engineer, three data points make a trend.  And I had MORE than three data points on this in the past 24 hours.  So, I'm moved to share.

I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction.  That's been weighing on my mind.  What can I do to help?  What can I say to ease her burden?  What have I learned through my experience?

To add to the trend,  I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction...suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life.  I was at a loss for what to say.  I had lunch with a friend today who's ex-spouse went through a similar "full regiment" of treatment to mine.  She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well.  He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years - they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice.  I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial.  And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who's brother is starting down the long road of recovery -- and the painful "tough love" choices her family has had to make over the years.  Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.

The answers to these situation are so tough.  I know - I'm there myself.  And I see it in others' eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B's father's voice when we talked on the phone about Michael's relapse during treatment after inpatient.  They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24.  For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised.  He broke into my house and stole from me - an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery.  I could hear the grief in his father's voice that night - yet I'm sure he was no longer able to shed a tear.  They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go.  Today, God only knows where Michael B is...

As family members -- mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers -- there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own.  The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power's care.  I am so used to doing, helping...and yet, in these close blood relationships, it's the most dangerous thing I can probably do.  It can do more harm - I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love...the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help.  It only sent me further into my addiction.

So what then?

Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer?  Go to jail?  Lose everything?  Lose hope?

No.  Don't just do something.  Stand there.


Well, kneel there...and pray.  Turn it over to my Higher Power.  It really tests my faith.  Do I believe in the power of prayer?  Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?!  Can I let go and let god?

I think back now on my church's prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911.  I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me.  My sister had my listed with her church.  And I can see the results today...my Higher Power at work in my life.

And yet, I face my family members addiction...or the conversation with the woman from church...and I wonder what to say.  I doubt the power of prayer.  Why?

Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for "the addict who still suffers," I whisper 4 names to myself -- Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart.  Why?  Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer.  I believe.  I've seen it work.  For those four especially, it's all I can do.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

Day 118 - Sharing my story

When I entered treatment in December 2009, the ministers and friends from my church were a major part of my care.  Today, I was asked to share my story at church in our "Lessons from the Contemporary Church" -- essentially a mini-lead.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the work my Higher Power is doing in my life. I've already made at least one connection with someone who wants to talk more about their son who is my age and may be in addiction.  My prayer before I spoke was that He would use His message to touch someone's heart...  I was also able to meet a woman from the prayer chain; she recognized my story from recent months.  I was so thankful that we have these silent but powerful prayer warriors...

The scripture passage was about Saul’s conversion, from Acts 9:1-20.

Here's a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3

My name is CT. I am 41 years old.  I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you. 

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. My main drug of choice was crystal meth, but I’ve used a variety of drugs since I took my first pill at age 33.  During that time and since college, I’ve also used alcohol as a drug.  I started drinking and drugging because it felt good.  That’s where it always starts.  But eventually, things got out of control.  And they always do for the addict or alcoholic.

Initially, I didn’t use drugs that often.  But, in the past 2-3 years, things got pretty bad for me.  I have always felt out of place for one reason or another.  I have been pretty successful career wise -- 19 years with the same company, moving up the company ladder with 2 international assignments and 5 company moves.  Yet even with all that money and success, I felt like an impostor -- and was afraid that someday someone would figure out that I really wasn’t any good.  I felt inadequate in most areas of my life -- but I knew how to play the game and wear the mask. 

But the more I played this game, the worse I felt about myself. I began to lose self confidence.  Two years ago, my life started getting pretty bad.  I had a stressful project at work, a boss who I didn’t like, and went thru the ending of a 7 year relationship.  Of course, if I hadn’t been drugging so much, I might have been able to deal with all that.  But, I used more and more to feel less and less.  I isolated myself from friends and family.  I stopped coming to church for most of last year.  And, my drug use in the last year and a half grew to pretty much every day.   Quite simply, I used drugs to escape life.  

I can remember some pretty rough nights towards the end of last year.  I felt very empty.  I finally reached the point where I couldn’t continue living like this.  I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.  On December 21, 2009, I reached my bottom...I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to live or die.

Fortunately, that Monday night, I chose to live.  Even though I had stopped coming to church last year, my pastors had both reached out to me.  They didn’t know about my drug use, but they knew I was in a world of hurt.  Pastor Mike and I had been meeting for breakfast every other Saturday for most of last year.  So, when I chose life that night - literally - he was the first person I called.  

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in the town where I live.  Several people from my church drove out to be with me.  And I found out later, the church’s prayer chain was kicked into action while I was still on the phone with 911.  I was admitted to the best drug & alcohol treatment center in Indiana the next day, spent a month off work in treatment, and have been in recovery since then.  I will celebrate 4 months clean and sober on Wednesday, by the grace of God.

I’ve learned that I have the disease of addiction.  But, by relying on God every day, I can make it through each day clean and sober.  I don’t have to use drugs to deal with life.  

I now see life through a different pair of glasses.  The job I returned to was just as stressful as when I left - but I have changed.  The boss I worked for was still the same -- but I have changed.  

This process of recovery takes time - it’s like learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  It will take a year or two for me to fully learn how to live life without drugs -- and even then, this is a life long process of recovery.  And some days, it’s been tough...and I’ve been tempted to give up and go back to what is comfortable - as crazy as that sounds.  It’s true.  But I know that if I stop using the tools I’ve been given, I will go back to using or drinking.  And next time, I may not survive.  Most of us don’t.  Not many of us - most of us.

Even amidst all of this, I know that God’s hand has been on me over the past 3 years. I have an amazing peace and am thankful for everything that has happened.  I know this is exactly where I need to be because of the amazing things that God is doing in my life already.  When I returned to work, people told me I was a different CT.  I’ve had so many friends and family tell me how much better I look and sound.  Others can see the transformation that I feel in my heart.

Let me close by being clear about one thing - this story nothing to do with CT. This isn’t about me being strong and getting my life back under control.  This is about turning my life over to God. Like we’ve been taught here at our church, this is about remembering my baptism...every single day.  Literally, I don’t leave my house no matter how late I am unless I get on my knees and pray -- and I admit my powerlessness over my addiction and over the things that happen in life.  I have been resurrected from that point of bankruptcy and given new life.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 114 - Reconnecting and filling out my past...

I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships...centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total -- and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group.  In fact, my "CP family" has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.

M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.

When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on.  (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...)  I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you.  You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great!  Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you."  What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording!  I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person!  This was a first!  Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc.  Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better!  She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!

We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed.  I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing.  She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest.  Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.  And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...

M, I love you as a sister.  I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me.  You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days!  I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...

Day 100 - In these rooms we will find each other...

It's been an amazing couple of weeks.  I'm sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone "in the rooms" who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment...basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I've found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It's a pretty powerful experience for me to see that "from the other side." 


Connection #1: One friend is...I'll be honest...right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of "I" and "control" and "for now."  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I've been there, but he doesn't understand it yet. But, I listened...I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations...I didn't judge...I didn't lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or "scared me" into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won't make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...and make differenct choices.


Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem -- life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long...this time.  I've been there.  I've tried to stop myself.  We've all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can't.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can't relapse if you've never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas - physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn't prescribe how one works a program of recovery -- self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging...it's not a relapse.

Of course, it's not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery - and that's my program...not someone else's.  I'm just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny - I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, "how did you know?"  I replied, "because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight - you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I've learned since that night in December is I can't do this. I tried - I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It's not because of my will power or my strength.  And it's not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery."

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...he's looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices...


Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take...but told myself No, impossible...couldn't be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope...because the man sitting next to me...the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life...was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him...$400 worth...over twice my normal amount...was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy - apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes...and smiling...and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering...I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude -- all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer...he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking...it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable...could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I'm at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was...and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I'm just so thankful. We've all earned our right to be in these rooms.



I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I'm still a newcomer.  I'm still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It's like I've said - I'm learning my ABC's and 123's all over again.  There are still days where I'm blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I'm so thankful that I'm able to be there and see other people -- not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction -- who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won't...some are there, some aren't quite there...  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I'm thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me...