Yesterday I was with some friends in recovery, hanging out after the long holiday weekend. Somehow the conversation got onto engineering and math geeks and I mentioned I had come up with a personal formula for recovery when I was in treatment. (Earlier post with my initial formula)
I showed it to one of my fellow geeks and after looking at it, she blurted out "but you're missing one thing -- other people."
I about fell on the floor.
Of course.
She was SO right.
And this isn't about being right or wrong...it was just an amazingly quick but insightful observation that spoke volumes to me...it cut right to the heart of what I've been experiencing lately...or missing lately.
As I look back, I still have a tendency to keep my distance from others, carefully guarding my inner struggles with a mask of "fine" or "ok." When I do get into a tough situation, my natural pattern is to isolate and try to get through it on my own. These are the patterns that have helped me survive thus far in life (on one level...), so it's natural I fall back on them. But, I know from my own experience thus far and from what others tell me -- that approach won't work going forward. This is a "me" program that we do together. I need the experience, strength, and hope of others around me.
I also realize that when I do hang out with others, I am not investing as much time and energy into getting to know them as I could. The power of a question...asking about their experience. Or just simply sharing about life. Or doing things together. It's been so long since I've built healthy friendships, I am not used to going beyond the initial surface...moving beyond the shallow but necessary "where are you from? etc." crap that can lead to a deeper friendship. It's hard to just let go, experience, share and be. As one person reminded me, "come early and leave late...hang around the rooms." I do that on one level...but I need to spend that time interacting and getting to know people. Connecting...
But, I'm open and willing...they tell me that's what I need to grow and (re)discovery who I am.
So just for today, I will seek out others. I'll revisit my formula and acknowledge that it IS missing one thing...the other people in my recovery.
Showing posts with label connecting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label connecting. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Day 146 - Addiction doesn't discriminate...it's a shame we do ;)
I was meeting some friends today to go to an event. Due to heavy traffic and event parking limitations, we agreed to meet somewhere then head over in one car. I suggested my church parking lot, on the near north side of downtown. One of the guys didn't want to meet there as he was afraid to leave his car "in the ghetto." So, we agreed to meet at one of the local Catholic school's parking lot's in a trendy part of town near the event. Turns out, this was the school my friend attended as a youngster. In the end, I parked my car and we rode in his car. As we were leaving the area, he asked "Did you lock your car?" When I answered yes and asked why, he told us that when he was growing up, he used to come to the lot and check for unlocked cars and steal their change. He didn't want anything to be stolen from my car. Hmmm... Funny how we see in others what we are sometimes afraid to see in ourselves.
I tell this story because I've heard the same comment from other friends about attending certain self help group meetings in different neighborhoods around the city. One guy said he didn't care for a certain meeting room because it was "in the ghetto." His comment has always stuck with me simply because of my life experience with respect to diversity. Funny thing - I learned early on in recovery, as I sat in a treatment center with men & women who were from various ethnic backgrounds, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc...we all had the same story. We all had our bottom. We all fell victim to the same disease. It didn't matter if I was homeless, or a chief executive...a housewife or an auto mechanic. This disease is the great equalizer. And, if I look for the differences instead of the similarities, I run the risk of missing the gift of someone's experience, strength and hope. And it is that gift, along with the grace and love of my Higher Power, that helps keep me clean and sober...and one day may literally save my life.
Tonight, I went to a self-help meeting "in the ghetto." I was the only white man in the room, and one of only a handful of white people out of the 30+ in the room. I may also have been the only gay man. There was one woman in a wheelchair. The youngest was probably in his early 20's...the oldest was in her late 60's. Bottom line, there was diversity. And yet as we went around the room and shared, there was nothing different in the stories than I would have heard in one of my more regular meetings where I'm less of a minority. And I connected with something that each person had to share -- heard a couple insights that gave me a different way of approaching a couple areas in my life -- and left feeling just as energized, peaceful and inspired as I have almost every meeting. There is no better than or worse than -- we truly are equal. Even outside of addiction, we are all blessed children of a loving God / Higher Power, however we are able to see and understand Him/Her. And to put labels and hierarchy is such a shame...such a missed opportunity.
I pray that my Higher Power continues to grace me with eyes to see and ears to hear...and where I fall short, the willingness to admit my faults and forgive myself. In doing so, I'm in a better position to love others and see their brokenness as the same, no better or worse than mine.
I tell this story because I've heard the same comment from other friends about attending certain self help group meetings in different neighborhoods around the city. One guy said he didn't care for a certain meeting room because it was "in the ghetto." His comment has always stuck with me simply because of my life experience with respect to diversity. Funny thing - I learned early on in recovery, as I sat in a treatment center with men & women who were from various ethnic backgrounds, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc...we all had the same story. We all had our bottom. We all fell victim to the same disease. It didn't matter if I was homeless, or a chief executive...a housewife or an auto mechanic. This disease is the great equalizer. And, if I look for the differences instead of the similarities, I run the risk of missing the gift of someone's experience, strength and hope. And it is that gift, along with the grace and love of my Higher Power, that helps keep me clean and sober...and one day may literally save my life.
Tonight, I went to a self-help meeting "in the ghetto." I was the only white man in the room, and one of only a handful of white people out of the 30+ in the room. I may also have been the only gay man. There was one woman in a wheelchair. The youngest was probably in his early 20's...the oldest was in her late 60's. Bottom line, there was diversity. And yet as we went around the room and shared, there was nothing different in the stories than I would have heard in one of my more regular meetings where I'm less of a minority. And I connected with something that each person had to share -- heard a couple insights that gave me a different way of approaching a couple areas in my life -- and left feeling just as energized, peaceful and inspired as I have almost every meeting. There is no better than or worse than -- we truly are equal. Even outside of addiction, we are all blessed children of a loving God / Higher Power, however we are able to see and understand Him/Her. And to put labels and hierarchy is such a shame...such a missed opportunity.
I pray that my Higher Power continues to grace me with eyes to see and ears to hear...and where I fall short, the willingness to admit my faults and forgive myself. In doing so, I'm in a better position to love others and see their brokenness as the same, no better or worse than mine.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance
A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week. At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident. In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life. A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself. Just do something. But he couldn't. His second instinct was to reach out for help. He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore. They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him. Just do something. But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.
Don't just do something. Stand there and pray.
The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles. Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.
He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his. He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment." Self reliant - confident - in control. And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me! I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.
In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power. He challenged me to contemplate who God is. In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible! Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation. I'll start there.
What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge. I have the time! And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation. So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.
What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge. I have the time! And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation. So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 115 - Regaining my voice with NVC
In recovery, I've learned that drinking and using weren't my problems...they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper - more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my "voice" for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community...I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn't work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.
When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify. So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT. Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be! Funny...that exact line is from my "step one" video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my "day zero" -- the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment. Susan Boyle's debut album had a song titled "Who I was born to be." In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string...the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
And though I may not
Know the answers
I can finally say I am free
And if the questions
Led me here, then
I am who I was born to be
And so here am I
Open arms and ready to stand
I've got the world in my hands
And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication. It's a way of connecting with one's self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one's needs as well as seeking to understand others' needs (stated or unstated), there's a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice. It takes conscious work - and much like I'm learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it's a lot easier to live in that "space" of compassionate communication.
When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify. So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT. Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be! Funny...that exact line is from my "step one" video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my "day zero" -- the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment. Susan Boyle's debut album had a song titled "Who I was born to be." In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string...the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
And though I may not
Know the answers
I can finally say I am free
And if the questions
Led me here, then
I am who I was born to be
And so here am I
Open arms and ready to stand
I've got the world in my hands
And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication. It's a way of connecting with one's self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one's needs as well as seeking to understand others' needs (stated or unstated), there's a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice. It takes conscious work - and much like I'm learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it's a lot easier to live in that "space" of compassionate communication.
I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight. Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I'm able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received. By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!
The first situation was at dinner. Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation. I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table. I didn't yell at them. I didn't pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate. Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone's needs have equal value -- through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone's needs can be met. So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment. Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.
Did I do it perfectly? No. Was it perfectly well received? Not necessarily. The individual got a little defensive, and didn't seem very happy. Next time, I'd probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected. But, this isn't about perfection...it's about progress. So, I was glad I "got my voice" and spoke up.
The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week. The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting. They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me. They were whispering in my ear. I politely tried to ignore them without being rude. I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.
They started off the exchange saying "sorry to distract you at the meeting." But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added "but I think you like it." So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior. I simply asked, "During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority. I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy. Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?" Not a demand, a request. Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily. But he was understanding and agreed to stop. He apologized and said he didn't want me to think poorly of him. Again, I hadn't judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz. So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: "I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better. But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it."
It's usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this...it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation! But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I'll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I'm looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I'll become in my recovery and confidence. One day at a time...easy does it! But, progress feels good!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Day 114 - Reconnecting and filling out my past...
I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships...centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total -- and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group. In fact, my "CP family" has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.
M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.
When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on. (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...) I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you. You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great! Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you." What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording! I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person! This was a first! Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc. Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better! She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!
We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed. I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing. She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest. Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together. And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...
M, I love you as a sister. I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me. You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days! I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...
M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.
When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on. (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...) I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you. You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great! Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you." What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording! I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person! This was a first! Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc. Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better! She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!
We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed. I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing. She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest. Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together. And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...
M, I love you as a sister. I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me. You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days! I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 110 - The Power of a Question
I was talking to a friend yesterday. We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation. At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right! There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way. I might have been spared some pain.
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 102 - Finding my "first high" again...
The night I arrived at my sister's for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew. At one point, I didn't think I'd make the performance. I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was...how he kept asking "Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!" I knew there wasn't any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!
I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy. It's electrifying! As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes." It was so POWERFUL!
I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this. My body was on fire! My senses were on overload! I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes. I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest. And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way. I was just enjoying my a*$ off! I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses. And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me. I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this. I could just see myself enjoying without limitations. And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated. It wasn't a mask. It was deep and genuine.
I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X). X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL! All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual. It was overpowering.
As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.
Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high. And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me. While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."
Now I understand - they weren't my first high!
My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!
I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!
I found that first high!
And I found it drug-free! And I found it in my own senses! I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel. And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face. It's not sadness, not loss, not grief. It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.
I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;). But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel. Life is bland. You "can't enjoy life." And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall. I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.
That was my other excitement from the night! I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW - I was on fire! I was bursting out of my skin! It was amazing. I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;) And life was good. I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what. I was at peace. And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again. Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected. I had found my feelings. I had found the ability to experience life.
And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again. It's real - it's not artificial. I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!
And, then to think that I was here with my nephew. These were the kids I took myself away from. You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered. I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.
For all of this, I am truly grateful.
All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.
Priceless ;)
I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy. It's electrifying! As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes." It was so POWERFUL!
I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this. My body was on fire! My senses were on overload! I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes. I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest. And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way. I was just enjoying my a*$ off! I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses. And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me. I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this. I could just see myself enjoying without limitations. And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated. It wasn't a mask. It was deep and genuine.
I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X). X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL! All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual. It was overpowering.
As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.
Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high. And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me. While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."
Now I understand - they weren't my first high!
My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!
I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!
I found that first high!
And I found it drug-free! And I found it in my own senses! I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel. And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face. It's not sadness, not loss, not grief. It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.
I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;). But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel. Life is bland. You "can't enjoy life." And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall. I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.
That was my other excitement from the night! I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW - I was on fire! I was bursting out of my skin! It was amazing. I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;) And life was good. I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what. I was at peace. And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again. Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected. I had found my feelings. I had found the ability to experience life.
And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again. It's real - it's not artificial. I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!
And, then to think that I was here with my nephew. These were the kids I took myself away from. You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered. I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.
For all of this, I am truly grateful.
All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.
Priceless ;)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Day 94 - E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego
I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating. Usually things "percolate" for a couple days and I start to understand what I'm to learn. Here goes...
When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego. First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).
As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook. So much for anonymity. Why? Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.
As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:
This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask! Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me. So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice. That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play. I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough. Third pebble...my ego.
NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy! Self-centered. Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive. It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...
Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery. Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow. And isn't that the whole point of this?
Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.
God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.
When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego. First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).
As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook. So much for anonymity. Why? Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.
As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:
I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper.With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others. Second pebble...exposure.
This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask! Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me. So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice. That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play. I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough. Third pebble...my ego.
NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy! Self-centered. Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive. It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...
Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery. Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow. And isn't that the whole point of this?
Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.
God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Day 91 - Goodbye Letter to Crystal Meth
I was going through my notebook from treatment and came across a good-bye letter I wrote to my drug of choice, crystal meth. It was an exercise during inpatient they had us do as we left inpatient to whatever next phase of treatment we were heading. It was a way to bring closure to the ending relationship with our "best friend." We read these out loud to our group. Since I came across it, I thought I'd share it here.
Dear Crystal
I never felt like I fit in - I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in. I've moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.
Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago. You've taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available -- ecstasy, GHB, pot, "special K," cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you're the one who always reached out to me - called me - called me back - never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention. Thank you.
You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC - crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it's been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn't want to leave you. I missed my grandmother's 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn't sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn't take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother...and missed her funeral...because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.
That is my friend.
That is my best friend.
That's bullshit.
What do they say -- with friends like you, who needs enemies.
Crystal Meth, I'm ending this friendship. Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.
Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.
Crystal Meth, I'm tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.
Crystal Meth, I'm no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I'm going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.
Crystal Meth, I'm replacing you with my new thirteen best friends...the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I'm reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.
Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.
Signed,
CT
January 4, 2010
As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course). I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:
CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT' where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}
CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power...multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime '
^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}
*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity --> Father, Son and Holy Spirit...so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 ;)
Dear Crystal
I never felt like I fit in - I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in. I've moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.
Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago. You've taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available -- ecstasy, GHB, pot, "special K," cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you're the one who always reached out to me - called me - called me back - never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention. Thank you.
You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC - crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it's been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn't want to leave you. I missed my grandmother's 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn't sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn't take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother...and missed her funeral...because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.
That is my friend.
That is my best friend.
That's bullshit.
What do they say -- with friends like you, who needs enemies.
Crystal Meth, I'm ending this friendship. Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.
Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.
Crystal Meth, I'm tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.
Crystal Meth, I'm no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I'm going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.
Crystal Meth, I'm replacing you with my new thirteen best friends...the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I'm reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.
Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.
Signed,
CT
January 4, 2010
As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course). I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:
CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT' where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}
CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power...multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime '
^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}
*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity --> Father, Son and Holy Spirit...so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 ;)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Day 85 - Naming, blessing and embracing my talents
I was meeting with a friend yesterday and he introduced me to a small group of men doing some amazing work with youth and community (http://kheprw.org/). In introducing me, he named what he saw as my gifts. He mentioned that I was creative and a connector. For many years, I've balked at being called creative. I don't see myself as such. But, now, in a more humble manner of listening and removing my own ego...I'm able to hear more what others see in me. And, I'm more open to embracing those talents, those gifts -- naming and blessing and celebrating them.
Along those lines, I was recently reconnected with a man who had a great influence on my life as an elementary school teacher. As a young boy of 10 years old moving from Louisiana to Canada, I remember facing the teasing from my peers, having a funny accent. ;) I was also young and short for my age. Skipped a grade while in Canada made that "difference" even more pronounced. There were two men - Mr. Rogers and Mr. Heady - who went out of their way to make me feel welcome. They "took me under their wings" and broke down the barriers my accent created, and helped me connect with the students. I have ALWAYS shared fondly of my time in Sarnia and spoken of these two men. Well, recently, a friend from Sarnia connected with me on Facebook and told me that Mr. Rogers was looking to reconnect with students. What a great blessing! And as we started to reconnected, Mr. Rogers wrote back, "Remember you as one of those students who brought the fire for learning to class every day."
So completing that spirit of naming by gifts -- some of them I see more fully today are...curious; connector; creative; fire for learning.
Along those lines, I was recently reconnected with a man who had a great influence on my life as an elementary school teacher. As a young boy of 10 years old moving from Louisiana to Canada, I remember facing the teasing from my peers, having a funny accent. ;) I was also young and short for my age. Skipped a grade while in Canada made that "difference" even more pronounced. There were two men - Mr. Rogers and Mr. Heady - who went out of their way to make me feel welcome. They "took me under their wings" and broke down the barriers my accent created, and helped me connect with the students. I have ALWAYS shared fondly of my time in Sarnia and spoken of these two men. Well, recently, a friend from Sarnia connected with me on Facebook and told me that Mr. Rogers was looking to reconnect with students. What a great blessing! And as we started to reconnected, Mr. Rogers wrote back, "Remember you as one of those students who brought the fire for learning to class every day."
So completing that spirit of naming by gifts -- some of them I see more fully today are...curious; connector; creative; fire for learning.
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