Day 144 - Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through

They say that my stinking thinking got me here...that if I really was "all that" and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness -- to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong - to be in control - to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this...TWICE!  I particularly like the one book's way of framing things.

"Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources."

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference - the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said "You may discover that your greatest 'flaw' is in fact your greatest asset."

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story - to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can't keep it if I don't give it away, they say.  I don't know where this journey will take me -- I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest...and let my Higher Power be in control.  It's in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 142 - Taking back control...a lesson in self-will

I've learned recently that my recovery isn't just about admitting I'm powerless over my addictions.  It's really about admitting I'm powerless over life in general.  Life happens.  I'm learning how to live it on life terms, not the terms of a meth addict.  In doing so, I must learn to give up control.  Otherwise, the stress and futility of being back in the driver's seat will drive me to drink or use again.  Literally.

As I learned this painful lesson, I started to incorporate admitting I'm powerless over x, y, z in life into my daily prayers.  Every morning now, I turn over the sale of my house, my job search, and my legal situations to my Higher Power, admitting I'm powerless over their outcomes and leaving them in His hands.  I do the legwork -- "do the next right thing" to make sure I'm doing my part.  But, beyond that, it's out of my hands.

I do pretty well with the legal situation - because in my heart, I know I'm truly incapable of influencing the outcome.  The best I can do is stay clean and sober -- the rest is up to the lawyers and the judge.  But, in situations like the sale of my house, it's easy for me to get "conned" into taking control back over.  That happened this week for me - and it was a lesson in self-will.

I had a project to finish - laying flooring in one room.  It's been a need long before I got clean and sober -- another unfinished project.  As an active addict, I didn't care.  As a recovering addict, I still fall into those patterns of thinking sometimes.  But, I realize that I'm also afraid of failure - of screwing it up.  Without realizing it, that fear grips me and keeps me sometimes from even starting, from even trying.  I'm also a perfectionist.  And again, without realizing it, sometimes the fear of not doing something perfectly keeps me from doing it at all.  Sound logic right - if I never do something, I can't fail...and I can't do it incorrectly (not perfectly) if I don't do it at all!  (And sometimes I question whether I really need to be restored to sanity - to sound thinking, with sound judgement!!!)

I know that approach is not realistic...and it's not living life on life's terms!

But more importantly this time, I now realize that I put SO much pressure on myself to get the project done before the next showing that I started to believe that the outcome of the next showing was 100% dependent on the project being done.  If I didn't do this, the house wouldn't sell!  I had taking back control of the house sale.  It wasn't the realtor, it wasn't the buyer, it wasn't my Higher Power controlling the outcome.  It was CT -- and the awaiting floors.  About mid-way through the project -- when it was clear I wasn't going to finish in time, after procrastinating and dawdling, I kinda lost it.  I got frustrated and stressed enough that I threw the hammer down (on the sub-flooring thank goodness!) and screamed out loud -- "I can't do this - this is crazy."  In my mind, I was telling myself I was stupid, incapable, hopeless...nothing had changed and I was just as crazy as before.   The next thought in that sequence would be "so I might as well go back and use, cause at least I'd feel good!"

I stopped, and took a deep breath.  By God's grace, I realized I needed to shift my thinking...or this would continue, and that next thought would come to mind and perhaps, get played out.  That was my normal pattern - - get frustrated and overwhelmed, but in true competitive spirit, never admit defeat.  With the tools of recovery, I had a choice.  I could change the direction of my stinking thinking!

So, I stood up and stopped.  I went downstairs and laid down.  I started to pray, to re-center on my Higher Power and the spiritual truth that I wasn't in control - He was.  The outcome of the house sale wasn't in my hands - it was in His.  The sale did NOT depend, as arrogant and self-centered as it now sounds, on the sole effort of laying new flooring in the room!

I let go, and let God back in.

Now, do I still need to do the legwork - yes.  Should I continue to procrastinate and let fear grip me - no.  But, can I do the legwork in a calm, peaceful and joyful manner, knowing where it fits into the bigger picture?   Absolutely.

So, I think I'll hop out (again) of the driver's seat and settle back in for the ride.  I have a much better chance of getting where I need to go! ;)

Day 135 - Power-packed healing from my past

Yesterday was a POWERFUL day of healing for me.  I think there are probably about 3 posts in here!  But let me get started and see where this goes!

I've shared before that I was fired after 19+ years with the same company related to my addiction. I've learned that resentment can be the downfall of an addict -- my downfall.  So I've worked hard to turn this over to my Higher Power so it doesn't eat at me.  Almost every morning, I include prayers for the people involved.  It usually goes "I pray for C, S, L and others involved in the decision that they may grow in their understanding of addiction."  I learned somewhere that if I'm pissed off at someone, praying for them helps shift the focus towards compassion, understanding and love.  It's been helping.   But, I learned an even deeper lesson this morning.

Yesterday, I had three separate incidents where people from my old place of employment showed a "personal touch" to my situation and helped restore some of my faith in people.  Again, more lessons to sum up - but let me highlight the three situations (for my own memory!)

First, I got a note from a colleague.  The portable PC/video projectors from my former teams are labelled per the administrative custom with my last name -- so SMITH#1, SMITH#2.  It helps with the scheduling, tracking, etc.  One went missing so one of the area AA's sent out an email to the building - "Projector Smith#2 is missing."  It sparked an email from my colleague: "This reminded me that the REAL Smith #1 is missing from our midst!   Hope you are doing well...think of you often and miss you here."  That meant SO much to me!  I know in the recent months & years before recovery, my reputation as a leader and people-person had suffered.  I own that.  But, amidst that, it's comforting to know that it wasn't all negative...I still have people that see through that and know, love and miss me.  Wow.

Second, I was talking to my dad about the situation leading up to my termination.  He hadn't want to tell me this earlier, but shared with me that after I was fired, he actually wrote the president of the division (F.) in which I worked about my situation, asking that the company reconsider their actions.  That BLEW me away.  I know my dad loves me and he has been an amazing support.  It hasn't been overbearing or codependent - just a healthy, supportive love.  For him to have taken the time to "go to bat for me" meant a lot to me.  But again, it didn't stop there.  The president (who I have interacted with a number of times and for whom I have a LOT of respect) actually wrote back!  And, it wasn't a form letter, blowing my dad off.  It was a personal letter, written and signed by F.  He said he looked into the situation -- and knowing F., he did.  He's just that sort of man - he has that sort of character - and amidst the responsibilities, pressure and situations he's faced with, he has managed to maintain a personal touch and concern for the people in his organization.  Wow.

Finally, I reached out to a former colleague who is fairly high up in the organization.  Like F., she is at the executive level, interacts with C-level management, etc.  On a personal level, she carefully looked into some questions I had and responded to me.  Without getting into the details, she shared some facts that restored my faith in some people involved.  When I hung up I was overwhelmed.  Again, like F., her true personal character shined through the processes, the bureaucracy and administrivia.  She demonstrated that amidst it all, people can still show the personal touch...the care, concern to "do the right thing."  Even if she and F. couldn't change the situation, they took the time to look around and respond.  That meant a lot to me.  Wow.


So how does this all fit together?  What was my HP trying to teach me?  Well, like an onion I probably only have the first layer.  But here's how those three came together.

Last night I had a dream.  In that dream, the company was trying to send me a final check.  But, due to a mixup with the printing, the computer, the process -- we all know how that can work against us! -- the check couldn't be processed automatically in the system.  They were stuck - they couldn't do what was needed to be done!  And, in many places & times,  But, the CEO got involved and said, "just get me the old checkbook and we'll write CT the check and take care of this."  And, so I was handed a personally signed check -- written out to me, in his hand, signed with his actual signature.  And, I literally woke up crying.  Honest.  The dream was so real, I woke up crying.

As I thought about it -- and prayed..."God, what are you showing me?" I got my answer.

First, the tears were not of sorrow. They were of healing.

Second, all of those mornings that I prayed for C, S, L and others...I now realize they were just cogs in a wheel -- part of the necessary processes and bureaucracy of a large organization.  I wanted to be angry at them and make them out to be the bad guys.  But, I learned some facts that would indicate that's not the case - that they did care about me, my situation...but were trapped, limited in what they could do.  While that doesn't necessarily mean the organization made the right decision (IMHO), it allows me to forgive them as human beings involved, and see them with compassion.  Like I've learned elsewhere, hurting people hurt.  Well, just because people stuck in the bureaucracy of an organization hurt others, it doesn't make them bad people.  Corporate people hurt...in a sense.

Third, I realized that while I was praying for them to grow in their understanding, ultimately, I was the one who needed to grow.  I was the one who needed healing.  And, God did just that.  Not me - Him.  In praying for others -- in doing the next right thing and staying centered, by God's grace, in a spiritual place, God ultimately worked on my heart and helped me forgive and let go on an even deeper level.  Some of the forgiveness I had experienced to date was on a somewhat shallow level -- and necessarily so.  I was going through the motions - not in a bad way.  I needed to keep praying for forgiveness and compassion even if I didn't feel it as deeply as I should.  In doing that...over and over and over...God slowly changed my heart.


I have heard stories of our CEO doing some pretty amazing things to make a difference - personally.  Again, without getting in the details, I can remember specific situations where he intervened and "did the right thing," adding a personal touch to a pretty public company position on a very sensitive issue.  In doing so, I grew to respect him personally as a leader - as a man of character.  And, through the actions of the three people yesterday -- underscored by my dream -- some of my faith in the company, in the people of the company, to "do the right thing," was restored.  As the leader of the company, his character shines through -- people are able to follow his lead -- and I know that all is not lost just because of one incident...it's not black or white, good or bad...there is still respect for people.

What healing...what growth...what insights.  By God's grace...

Day 126 - Hurting people hurt...so find the source of the pain!

A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I've been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging...  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...

I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out.  I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on.  That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out."  My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn't make them go away.  I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass...  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance

A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn't.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  

He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment."  Self reliant - confident - in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.  

In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation.  I'll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.

Day 118 - Sharing my story

When I entered treatment in December 2009, the ministers and friends from my church were a major part of my care.  Today, I was asked to share my story at church in our "Lessons from the Contemporary Church" -- essentially a mini-lead.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the work my Higher Power is doing in my life. I've already made at least one connection with someone who wants to talk more about their son who is my age and may be in addiction.  My prayer before I spoke was that He would use His message to touch someone's heart...  I was also able to meet a woman from the prayer chain; she recognized my story from recent months.  I was so thankful that we have these silent but powerful prayer warriors...

The scripture passage was about Saul’s conversion, from Acts 9:1-20.

Here's a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3

My name is CT. I am 41 years old.  I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you. 

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. My main drug of choice was crystal meth, but I’ve used a variety of drugs since I took my first pill at age 33.  During that time and since college, I’ve also used alcohol as a drug.  I started drinking and drugging because it felt good.  That’s where it always starts.  But eventually, things got out of control.  And they always do for the addict or alcoholic.

Initially, I didn’t use drugs that often.  But, in the past 2-3 years, things got pretty bad for me.  I have always felt out of place for one reason or another.  I have been pretty successful career wise -- 19 years with the same company, moving up the company ladder with 2 international assignments and 5 company moves.  Yet even with all that money and success, I felt like an impostor -- and was afraid that someday someone would figure out that I really wasn’t any good.  I felt inadequate in most areas of my life -- but I knew how to play the game and wear the mask. 

But the more I played this game, the worse I felt about myself. I began to lose self confidence.  Two years ago, my life started getting pretty bad.  I had a stressful project at work, a boss who I didn’t like, and went thru the ending of a 7 year relationship.  Of course, if I hadn’t been drugging so much, I might have been able to deal with all that.  But, I used more and more to feel less and less.  I isolated myself from friends and family.  I stopped coming to church for most of last year.  And, my drug use in the last year and a half grew to pretty much every day.   Quite simply, I used drugs to escape life.  

I can remember some pretty rough nights towards the end of last year.  I felt very empty.  I finally reached the point where I couldn’t continue living like this.  I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.  On December 21, 2009, I reached my bottom...I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to live or die.

Fortunately, that Monday night, I chose to live.  Even though I had stopped coming to church last year, my pastors had both reached out to me.  They didn’t know about my drug use, but they knew I was in a world of hurt.  Pastor Mike and I had been meeting for breakfast every other Saturday for most of last year.  So, when I chose life that night - literally - he was the first person I called.  

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in the town where I live.  Several people from my church drove out to be with me.  And I found out later, the church’s prayer chain was kicked into action while I was still on the phone with 911.  I was admitted to the best drug & alcohol treatment center in Indiana the next day, spent a month off work in treatment, and have been in recovery since then.  I will celebrate 4 months clean and sober on Wednesday, by the grace of God.

I’ve learned that I have the disease of addiction.  But, by relying on God every day, I can make it through each day clean and sober.  I don’t have to use drugs to deal with life.  

I now see life through a different pair of glasses.  The job I returned to was just as stressful as when I left - but I have changed.  The boss I worked for was still the same -- but I have changed.  

This process of recovery takes time - it’s like learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  It will take a year or two for me to fully learn how to live life without drugs -- and even then, this is a life long process of recovery.  And some days, it’s been tough...and I’ve been tempted to give up and go back to what is comfortable - as crazy as that sounds.  It’s true.  But I know that if I stop using the tools I’ve been given, I will go back to using or drinking.  And next time, I may not survive.  Most of us don’t.  Not many of us - most of us.

Even amidst all of this, I know that God’s hand has been on me over the past 3 years. I have an amazing peace and am thankful for everything that has happened.  I know this is exactly where I need to be because of the amazing things that God is doing in my life already.  When I returned to work, people told me I was a different CT.  I’ve had so many friends and family tell me how much better I look and sound.  Others can see the transformation that I feel in my heart.

Let me close by being clear about one thing - this story nothing to do with CT. This isn’t about me being strong and getting my life back under control.  This is about turning my life over to God. Like we’ve been taught here at our church, this is about remembering my baptism...every single day.  Literally, I don’t leave my house no matter how late I am unless I get on my knees and pray -- and I admit my powerlessness over my addiction and over the things that happen in life.  I have been resurrected from that point of bankruptcy and given new life.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...

I've written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass!  And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned.  This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit.  People go out, and most don't come back.  People die.  It's that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren't that relevant.  The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously.  I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don't.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.



It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It's that simple.



Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.

Day 106 - Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty

I've been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can't really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.

I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment.  I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated.  But my heart's not in it.  I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.

I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern.  Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head.  I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours.  I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest.  This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment.  I don't need to be obsessing about this.  The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent!   So, I'm trying to put that aside.

Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off.  So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams.  And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears.  I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out.  I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.

I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!).  I got down on my knees and started to pray.  I asked my Higher Power to take this away.  I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God!  I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing.  But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley!  It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience.  The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take.  Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!

I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines.  The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?"  I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship.  And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster.  I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently.  It's just getting there!

In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period.  It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors.  Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice.  It doesn't happen in 90 days!  On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth.  So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next.  I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen.  But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome.  It's just finding that balance.

The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore.  I can face life.  I can face the uncertainty.  I can face the challenges.  I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!

Day 100 - In these rooms we will find each other...

It's been an amazing couple of weeks.  I'm sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone "in the rooms" who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment...basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I've found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It's a pretty powerful experience for me to see that "from the other side." 


Connection #1: One friend is...I'll be honest...right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of "I" and "control" and "for now."  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I've been there, but he doesn't understand it yet. But, I listened...I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations...I didn't judge...I didn't lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or "scared me" into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won't make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...and make differenct choices.


Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem -- life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long...this time.  I've been there.  I've tried to stop myself.  We've all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can't.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can't relapse if you've never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas - physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn't prescribe how one works a program of recovery -- self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging...it's not a relapse.

Of course, it's not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery - and that's my program...not someone else's.  I'm just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny - I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, "how did you know?"  I replied, "because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight - you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I've learned since that night in December is I can't do this. I tried - I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It's not because of my will power or my strength.  And it's not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery."

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...he's looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices...


Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take...but told myself No, impossible...couldn't be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope...because the man sitting next to me...the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life...was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him...$400 worth...over twice my normal amount...was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy - apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes...and smiling...and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering...I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude -- all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer...he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking...it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable...could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I'm at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was...and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I'm just so thankful. We've all earned our right to be in these rooms.



I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I'm still a newcomer.  I'm still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It's like I've said - I'm learning my ABC's and 123's all over again.  There are still days where I'm blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I'm so thankful that I'm able to be there and see other people -- not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction -- who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won't...some are there, some aren't quite there...  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I'm thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me...

Day 94 - E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego

I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things "percolate" for a couple days and I start to understand what I'm to learn.  Here goes...

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).


As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble...exposure. 


This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice.  That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble...my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...

Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow.  And isn't that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.

Day 91 - Goodbye Letter to Crystal Meth

I was going through my notebook from treatment and came across a good-bye letter I wrote to my drug of choice, crystal meth. It was an exercise during inpatient they had us do as we left inpatient to whatever next phase of treatment we were heading. It was a way to bring closure to the ending relationship with our "best friend." We read these out loud to our group.  Since I came across it, I thought I'd share it here.


Dear Crystal

I never felt like I fit in - I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in.  I've moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.

Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago.  You've taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available -- ecstasy, GHB, pot, "special K," cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you're the one who always reached out to me - called me - called me back - never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention.  Thank you.

You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC - crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it's been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn't want to leave you. I missed my grandmother's 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn't sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn't take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother...and missed her funeral...because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.

That is my friend.
That is my best friend.


That's bullshit.

What do they say -- with friends like you, who needs enemies.


Crystal Meth, I'm ending this friendship.  Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.

Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.

Crystal Meth, I'm tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.

Crystal Meth, I'm no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I'm going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.

Crystal Meth, I'm replacing you with my new thirteen best friends...the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I'm reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.

Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.

Signed,


CT
January 4, 2010




As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course).  I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:

CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT'     where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}

CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power...multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime '

^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}

*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity --> Father, Son and Holy Spirit...so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 ;)

Day 88 - I cook with wine...

...sometimes I even add it to the food.     WC Fields


I was doing dishes yesterday after baking banana bread and was looking out the window, enjoying the view of the woods, nature and my 2 dogs enjoying the warming Spring-like weather.  Then, I noticed a quote in my window I had received as a gift.  A small wooden sign had the wine/cooking quote from WC Fields.  Anyone who knows me and my love for wine and cooking knows this rang true for me.  I love wine, particularly good red wine.  I lived with a French family in Luxemburg as an exchange student and grew to appreciate fine wine through that experience.  When I lived in the UK, the wine store was 2 blocks down and with a wider variety of wines than most US stores at the time (late 90's), I expanded my palette.  I turned 30 when I lived there in Chester and a friend gave me a bottle of French bordeaux.  He told me to keep it for a special occasion - perhaps my 40th.  I've transported that wine now from the UK to North Carolina to Puerto Rico to Indiana, guarding it for a special occasion.  I didn't bring it out for my 40th, but had been saving it for the right small gathering of friends who could enjoy it with me.

Then 12/21 came...and I entered recovery!  And although I primarily identify myself as an addict, I recognized early on that alcohol was a trigger.  More than once, my resolve to lay off the meth was melted with a vodka martini or cosmopolitan.  The wisdom from other addicts proved true recently when I almost stumbled with a lingering bottle of aged rum. It reconfirmed for me that alcohol is just another drug; that my illness is cunning and will go to great lengths to seduce me back into active addiction.

I can remember telling my dad, less than 60 days out of treatment, that "for now I choose not to drink.  But perhaps some day I'll be able to enjoy a nice glass of red wine with dinner."  Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I knew the foolishness of what I was saying.  The experience of others confirms the misconception.  I heard a story this week of a guy who started with just a sip at a party of a new lemon martini...and within a month, he had fallen hard.  The good news is he found the strength to come back in the rooms, finding the support,  encouragement and unconditional love he needed to reclaim sobriety.  But, not everyone is able to do so.

Seeing that sign was a reminder...that a  glass of red wine with dinner would turn into drinking a bottle of wine while cooking, then into worse.  Nope, I understand even more deeply - I'm an alcoholic addict.  Full stop.  No reservations or qualifications.

So what became of that bottle of wine?

I recently went to dinner with some very dear friends, one of which I've known for almost 20 years.  They would have been one of the couples with whom I would have savored the wine in celebration.  I brought them the bottle and explained its history.  At first, as I expected, they insisted on keeping it until I was able to enjoy it with them.  But I explained to them that this is a lifelong process -- there are no pre-planned detours -- my life depends on that.  So, while my primary drug of choice is crystal meth, I must face the truth that all drugs must go with the same conviction and commitment.  I could see in my friends' faces a deeper level of understanding and acceptance.  I caught a glimpse of sadness as they realized the gravity...but I also know there are so many other ways that we can celebrate and have fun.  And, I know they understand that as well.  For starters, he and his wife know that I'm here - alive - able to celebrate period!  Had December 21st transpired differently, that wouldn't have been the case.

So, WC Fields - I also bid you farewell. I'll talk with B. and ask her to replace you with another saying more in line with my recovery.  Deeper than the quote on a board was the gift and the memory it brings of friends and family.  That, I don't want to lose.  So, I'll simply replace it with something that can carry the same message and be in line with my recovery....further proof that recovery doesn't mean the end of enjoying life.  In fact, it's the beginning of really enjoying the emotions & experiences that life brings -- on life's terms.  For that, I'm grateful.

Day 87 - 30 day misery back guarantee!

I opened yesterday's mail this morning.  Note to self - DON'T do that again before morning meditation and prayers...and coffee!

I received all of the paperwork from my separation.  COBRA decisions...life insurance...401K rollover.  The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices.  But, it's still overwhelming.  How do families with kids do this?  My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts -- I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go.  Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do?  All these decisions to make - such little time - and no income.  It could be paralyzing.  Some days it is - I didn't get out of bed on Monday.  (Note the gap in journal entries!)  But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today...and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace...I can make it.  God didn't bring me THIS far to abandon me!

I'm reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!)  "If you're not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work - we will gladly refund your misery."  Yep, it's the 30-day misery back guarantee.  At any point, I can choose to go back to the using - the drinking - the escape - the numbness.  And at any point, I know what that will bring...isolation, depression, misery, despair.  Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction.  For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom.  Is that what I want to return to?  Really?

Thankfully, no.  Despite the overwhelming feelings at times -- the tough choices -- the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today -- I know that each and every day of sobriety I've enjoyed has been far better than any day of using.  Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction.  And for that, I'm grateful.

I'll let that misery back guarantee expire.  There is no turning back.

Day 86 - Prozac for addiction? Would you take "the pill?"

Someone brought up an interesting question tonight.  There are some medications out there to help curb cravings or make you sick if you drink.  If they came up with a pill that would "cure" addiction, would you take it?  If it meant taking a pill for the rest of your life - would you swap recovery, meetings and working a program for a pill?

It raises an interesting question...

For me, I fall back on what I learned about Prozac and other anti-depressants.  They aren't the cure for depression - just like Xanax was never intended for long term treatment of anxiety.  The idea behind anti-depressants is to stabilize one's brain chemistry to allow one to work on the root causes of one's depression.  Believe it or not, the drug companies never intended the Prozac's to be the end all solution -- at least as I understand it.  And I used to work for one...

So for me, whether there is a pill or not -- the key for my recovery was realizing that drinking wasn't my problem...using wasn't my problem  As one guy I know introduces himself, "Hi I'm an addict - and Brian is my problem."  For me it was the feeling of not fitting in -- the low self esteem.  I am a perfectionist and never felt like I (or others!) could live up to my standards.  I am a people pleaser.  I worry about what people think about me.  I feel like I'm an impostor at work and someday, someone is going to figure me out and call me out!   That was my thinking...my mental (and ultimately spiritual!) malady.  That's what I have to work on...the comparisons, the judgments...my sense of self, my sense of worth.  The alcohol or drugs were just another attempt to fill that emptiness I felt inside.

What I've grown to appreciate is that we all feel that to one degree or another -- we all have our insecurities.  None of us are perfect; we're all broken.  Thankfully, in my brokenness, I found a connection with my Higher Power -- for me, it's God.  And in that relationship, I've learned that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me because I'm His precious son.  He loves us all because we are unique, treasured children of God.  And, because we're separated from Him, we have a void...a hole that we try to fill in so many futile ways.  That's my problem.

I'm learning that even with my low self-esteem, it's my ego that is at the root of my illness.  My ego gets in my way of my loving God -- of my fellow human beings -- of my own need for wholeness.  The more I learn to leave my ego out -- to accept my brokenness and in that acceptance, find forgiveness and grace -- the more I find what I've so desperately sought.  I've tried to find it in work, in relationships, in sex, in alcohol, in drugs, in constantly moving from one state or country to another.  None of that will ever suffice.  I need to stop running, stop chasing the next high, stop looking for someone to "complete me."  I just need to surrender to my Higher Power.  Once I understand and accept that spiritual brokenness, I can see others as the same -- broken, forgiven, and in need of God's love manifest in others.

It's a long road...and whether they find a pill or not, the hard work still has to be done.  The Truth has to be sought and found.  This is a physical, mental and spiritual disease.  Pills may work on the physical cravings; they may even someday help with the mental brain chemistry.  But only prayer and a spiritual relationship with one's Higher Power will mend the spiritual part of this disease.  And that is the beauty of recovery!

Day 81 - Embracing my feelings as a human being

Today, I met with my realtor about putting the house on the market.  I also talked through my financial situation with an accountability partner - sizing up the reality that is facing me.  I got through everything fine.  Oh wait - what does FINE stand for?  Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.  Or something like that...  I wasn't that bad!  It's just that fine is about as descriptive as interesting, or good or nice.

This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting.  But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest.  My mind started wandering...and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me.  I started to feel it...funk funk...  Next thing I know, I didn't want to get out for my planned meeting!

I text'd a brother "MS" from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don't feel like going is exactly when we need to go!  For me, it's the equivalent of my insulin shot...hitting a meeting. And where I am now...getting through my changes and losses...I need it daily!!!  If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die.  If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.

My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money - in having a job - in having a plan.  Until my first court date in April, there's not much point in making too many plans.  In order to become a "productive member of society" as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery.  He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working.  Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work - on what I do, or how much I make.  That's changing - for the better.  I'm learning to value me for who I am - and others for who they are.  But, change is uncomfortable - unsettling - unfamiliar!  Recognize it...and work through it.  It will take time - and practice.  Now's my time to practice!  What a gift!

Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing.  What does that really look like?  Well, right now - it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job.  With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be.  That provides some relief -- some space to "be."  I need to focus on my recovery - strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery.  On the financial side, I need to sell me house.  It's a cash flow thing...and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow!  I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week.  So, that's my job now - and it "pays!" It slows the bleeding financially.

Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house.  That gets me through the next five weeks until court.  And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my "B game" or "C game" - to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it's going to take to solidify this recovery.  So, slow down, CT...stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what's next...stay in the moment. I'm right where I need to be.  I just need to do the right next thing...and not get too far ahead of myself.  Be real and easy does it!

As for my feelings, this "chat" sums things up best...how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!

MS: Glad you made it to the meeting  You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it's ok. I don't have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That's an odd combination for me, "Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings" 
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It's a healing process
Me: Amen.  Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry

Day 78 - This Insidious disease

Last night was a little harder night.  I was going great -- on a bit of a natural high from the day and from what amazing possibilities are percolating.  I caught myself thinking..."wouldn't it be a great night to have a nice glass of wine with my dinner."  Or, needing to relax from a busy day, "wouldn't it be nice to curl up and watch TV with an ice cold beer."  I haven't had any cravings to USE - but I let myself start THINKING about DRINKING.

Instead I chose to draw a hot bath and soak, meditate.  My normal metal cup had been moved this weekend by a friend who was helping to clean house.  He put it back in the bar -- it is half of a Bacardi Rum shaker (metal cup and glass used together).  It's not a drinking trigger for me at all - it goes well with the bathroom; I use it to rinse the tub after soak baths; it looks better than a plastic cup.

The cup wasn't the problem.  I went to the bar area, which had been cleaned out of liquor already.  Except...I saw...a special bottle of aged rum.  I had left it behind wanting to give it to a friend who would appreciate it.  Or, perhaps, subconsciously, I left it behind for me.  I wonder which...

All of a sudden my head was filled with lies.  Remember, this is the only disease which wants me to believe I don't have a disease.  "Your issue never really was alcohol - it was drugs.  You're ok to have one drink."  "You don't have to give up wine or good alcohol - you've been able to control that part.  It's the crystal meth."  And the all but insane, "You had a great first day - you've gotten through being fired with amazing strength.  You deserve to celebrate with a hot bath and a nice shot of aged rum from Puerto Rico -- a gift from Carlos in Puerto Rico.  This is all worth celebrating."  No, I take that back.  It's not all but insane...it IS insane!

Nonetheless, I wasn't there at the time...I was at "all but insane" or "far from insane."  I poured the shot glass...I smelled the rum.  Familiar scents and memories -- good ones -- came flooding back.  My mind was playing insidious tricks with me.  It knew better than to hit me with drugs this time.  It went for the subtle smell of rum.

I brought the shot into the bathroom -- the tub already filling with hot water; my readings (from NA!) and meditations sitting on the edge of the tub platform.  I thought about calling my sponsor to stop this and talk myself through.  Then I looked at the shot; I could smell the rum permeating the bathroom as the steamed air began to fill up the room as well.  I started to play through how relaxing it would be -- how GOOD the rum would taste.  That was much more enjoyable than talking to someone!  I was caught up in the moment.  I was caught up in the lies of this insidious and cunning disease.

Then I thought of all I had going for me -- of all the progress I have made.  I took the shot and poured the rum down the sink.  I rinsed the sink out; moved the glass out of the bathroom; and lit a candle to burn of the smell.

I was in relapse again.  I didn't drink or use -- but next time, I may not find the strength to stop it.  I used some of my tools - but not enough of them soon enough.  I played with this temptation WAY too long.  I didn't cut it off a the root..I fed it with nutrients...I let it pop its head up through the gentle, warm soil...I allowed time for the sun's rays to beat down on it to give it life.  I nurtured it and encouraged it just enough to find a budding plant.  And then, only then, did I rip it out and kill it.

That's NOT what our Lenten series at church means when we ask ourselves, "What are you growing for Lent?"

The bottle still needs to be out of the house.  And I realize now that the 3-4 bottles of red wine I'm storing to "give to a friend" must also go.  Today.  I win this battle one day at a time -- I must fight this battle one day at a time.  Not tomorrow -- not "when I feel ready" -- not eventually -- TODAY.

Yes, one is a bottle given to me for my 30th birthday party in England.  It's been from the UK, to NC, to Puerto Rico, to here.  I've been saving it for a special occasion -- it's one to keep for 10+ years.  So now would be about right.  But, I've also been to hell and back since then -- seen the bottom of my addiction -- faced the choice of life or death.  By the grace of God, I chose life.  With that same grace, I must be realistic and pull out all of the stops with the same fervor, joy and determination that I have had about my recovery in the past days.  I must "ride the wave" and keep on the path.

I wrote a good-bye letter to Crystal Meth during inpatient.  Sounds like I need to write the same for fine wine and spirits...

Watch this space for said letter...

Day 75 - Another step in my journey

A letter to friends...


Let me start this update by saying I continue to be grateful beyond belief for the many blessings in my life today -- on my road of recovery. For those who may not be aware, I went into treatment on December 21, 2009 for drug addiction.  Over two months later, I'm doing well in my recovery. I was in rehab for a month of inpatient and partial hospitalization. I returned to work on January 20th with a new lease on life. I completed six weeks of evening outpatient therapy on Monday of last week and will continue a life long road of recovery.

For those of you who have seen my "Step One Video," you have seen how God was watching over me in the past years. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for being where I am today -- for learning to "fall in love again" with myself, for who I am, and for who I am becoming. I am reconnecting with close friends and family with whom I've grown distance because of my active addiction. I'm rediscovering who I am is -- not what I do. I'm not defined by what I do.  I'm a human being - not a "human doing."  Quite simply, I've been reminded I'm a child of a loving God, here to find and leverage the abundance of life to the best of my abilities. I've been blessed with gifts that I have squandered and underutilized -- but now I see the possibilities through conversations and in community. For that I am truly grateful. Full stop, no reservations.

Ten days ago on a Friday at 4pm, as expected, I was informed by the local police that a warrant for my arrest had been issued. [The charges relate to a search of my house in December after coming close to committing suicide via a drug overdose, followed by a call to 911 -- the event that led to my treatment and recovery.]  Although I was glad the police were courteous and notified me of the warrant, I had a rough weekend nonetheless.  I found myself running from my feelings and falling into old routines to numb myself. By the grace of God, I didn't use drugs or drink -- but I was in relapse. Spiritually and mentally, I relapsed -- this is as much a spiritual and mental disease as it is a physical disease. I didn't use the tools I've learned in recovery to short circuit the cycle soon enough to maintain a healthy, balanced outlook. Thankfully, God didn't abandon me - nor will He. My devotional reading that morning was about anxiety..."God didn't bring you this far into recovery to abandon you."  Lesson learned.

I was encouraged to turn myself in. Three days later, on Monday March 1, I did so. I had things arranged with my lawyer and a friend.  With gratitude for the speed and simplicity, I was released after being in jail for 4 hours. The judge set an extremely low bail given my charges because I had turned myself in.  "If you were going to run, you would have already done it by now," said he. The only other funny part (well there were lots of little tidbits) -- I was actually walked over from the jail to the courthouse for the hearing...outside about a block and half!  Had any of my friends been there, I could update my facebook photo with me wearing my little orange jail outfit and handcuffs!   But, alas -- better to have a good memory than a bad picture!  Or in this case -- a bad memory instead of a good picture ;)

My next court appearance is in May. With my charges, there are provisions for this being my first offense to have some of that reduced and serve just probation. But, let's not get ahead of things. It is what it is...I'm at peace...and God's hand continues to be in my life. For that I'm very thankful. I knew at the time that my actions warrant whatever comes -- it's only by the grace of God that I'll see less than what's due. I'll continue to leave things in His hands and focus my mind and energy on my recovery and helping others.

On Friday March 5th, following my employer's policy on Substance Abuse, I informed my management and HR of my arrest and the nature of the charges. At 4:30pm that afternoon, after a 19+ year career, I was terminated for violation of that policy because of my arrest. The reason I was given -- working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it could jeopardize the firm's reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance -- but essentially, that's what I learned. I understand their decision. I don't agree with the steps they took - but I understand the decision. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions which led to these consequences. I wish things had turned out otherwise -- that other factors would have been taken into consideration relating to my treatment. I've been honest with my management and HR since I returned to work on Jan 20th about the possibilities of legal action.  I am sad that they lacked the integrity to be equally honest with me about what actions would result should I be arrested. I'm disappointed... angry... and feel betrayed by a company to which I gave many years of faithful and dedicated service. My feelings are all healthy and expected reactions. But for my health, I must work through them -- to feel and process them in due time but not hold onto grudges or resentments. Resentment is at the heart of a relapse -- at the heart of much addictive behavior -- and that I can not afford.  

Step 1 teaches me to admit that I'm powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. In admitting powerlessness, I must eventually come to the point where I surrender my will and my life to my Higher Power who can and will restore me to sanity. On Friday, I finally understood this on a deeper level and "worked" that first step even harder.

I surrender...

I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1.  It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the recovery community and my feelings that I will stay clean and sober...just for today.

I'm grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I can not ignore my part in these events -- my behaviors and choices are at the root of my situation and I'm simply grateful to be where I am today...alive and in recovery. This past weekend, unlike the relapse I had a week ago, I found the strength and courage to use the tools I've learned in treatment to get me through each day thus far without a relapse. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life -- because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.

I know who's in control -- as long as I stop hopping in the driver's seat, I'll be just fine ;)  I can honestly see this already as a blessing.  The timing and circumstances are unfortunate -- but from this I will learn much which will only make me stronger.  I will spend some time figuring out what is in store for me in this next chapter of life.  I pray simply to know God's will for my life and the strength to carry it out.