In May, I had started to notice a shift in my motives for this blog. I was paying more attention to the tracking metrics of how many people were hitting the site than I was my step work. I was more fascinated by the ratio of new to repeat visitors and which blogs were being read the most than I was by the sharing I was hearing in meetings. Quite simply - my motives shifted and they needed to get back in check!
So, I've taken some time for me this past month. I've needed to refocus, check my motives, reengage in my job search and balance some aspects of my life. With a week of traveling and a week of family visits, I looked back on the month and realized I hadn't posted for a single job since April 26th! While I believe my Higher Power is in control...and I'm powerless over the sale of my house, finding a new job, etc -- a job isn't going to fall into my lap! I need to do the legwork -- the next right thing.
But, in recent days, I've felt like getting back to my blogging. It does help me to write and be aware of what is going on. Throughout the day, if I know that I'm blogging and doing a photo journal, I find myself that much more tuned into life's little messages. And, being a little more tuned in helps me be more present, more connected with my Higher Power, and more aware of others around me. All that is good! Very good for my recovery!
And, I'm giving myself a break...easy does it! If my motives aren't pure, that's ok! As long as in the balance, they are more ego-less than ego-centric, I'm ok. A line from Invictus reminded me of this. The captain for the South African rugby team is meeting with Nelson Mandella. Mr. Mandella asks him how is ankle is after a recent injury. "To be honest, you never really play at 100%" -- to which Mr. Mandella responds, "As in life..." So yes, I'm rarely firing on all cylinders, perfectly balanced...and yet, in spite of that, my HP finds way of bringing good out of my actions.
I thank a couple of people who have written me recently on Facebook to let me know how this blog has impacted them. I'm an open book because I've been given the gift and willingness. As they say in the rooms, I do it selfishly because it helps keep me clean and sober. But, if in doing so, someone's Higher Power is able to use something I've experienced and written about to touch someone else, then Glory to HP!
And no, that's not a competitive plug against Dell or IBM ;)
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day 135 - Power-packed healing from my past
Yesterday was a POWERFUL day of healing for me. I think there are probably about 3 posts in here! But let me get started and see where this goes!
I've shared before that I was fired after 19+ years with the same company related to my addiction. I've learned that resentment can be the downfall of an addict -- my downfall. So I've worked hard to turn this over to my Higher Power so it doesn't eat at me. Almost every morning, I include prayers for the people involved. It usually goes "I pray for C, S, L and others involved in the decision that they may grow in their understanding of addiction." I learned somewhere that if I'm pissed off at someone, praying for them helps shift the focus towards compassion, understanding and love. It's been helping. But, I learned an even deeper lesson this morning.
Yesterday, I had three separate incidents where people from my old place of employment showed a "personal touch" to my situation and helped restore some of my faith in people. Again, more lessons to sum up - but let me highlight the three situations (for my own memory!)
First, I got a note from a colleague. The portable PC/video projectors from my former teams are labelled per the administrative custom with my last name -- so SMITH#1, SMITH#2. It helps with the scheduling, tracking, etc. One went missing so one of the area AA's sent out an email to the building - "Projector Smith#2 is missing." It sparked an email from my colleague: "This reminded me that the REAL Smith #1 is missing from our midst! Hope you are doing well...think of you often and miss you here." That meant SO much to me! I know in the recent months & years before recovery, my reputation as a leader and people-person had suffered. I own that. But, amidst that, it's comforting to know that it wasn't all negative...I still have people that see through that and know, love and miss me. Wow.
Second, I was talking to my dad about the situation leading up to my termination. He hadn't want to tell me this earlier, but shared with me that after I was fired, he actually wrote the president of the division (F.) in which I worked about my situation, asking that the company reconsider their actions. That BLEW me away. I know my dad loves me and he has been an amazing support. It hasn't been overbearing or codependent - just a healthy, supportive love. For him to have taken the time to "go to bat for me" meant a lot to me. But again, it didn't stop there. The president (who I have interacted with a number of times and for whom I have a LOT of respect) actually wrote back! And, it wasn't a form letter, blowing my dad off. It was a personal letter, written and signed by F. He said he looked into the situation -- and knowing F., he did. He's just that sort of man - he has that sort of character - and amidst the responsibilities, pressure and situations he's faced with, he has managed to maintain a personal touch and concern for the people in his organization. Wow.
Finally, I reached out to a former colleague who is fairly high up in the organization. Like F., she is at the executive level, interacts with C-level management, etc. On a personal level, she carefully looked into some questions I had and responded to me. Without getting into the details, she shared some facts that restored my faith in some people involved. When I hung up I was overwhelmed. Again, like F., her true personal character shined through the processes, the bureaucracy and administrivia. She demonstrated that amidst it all, people can still show the personal touch...the care, concern to "do the right thing." Even if she and F. couldn't change the situation, they took the time to look around and respond. That meant a lot to me. Wow.
So how does this all fit together? What was my HP trying to teach me? Well, like an onion I probably only have the first layer. But here's how those three came together.
Last night I had a dream. In that dream, the company was trying to send me a final check. But, due to a mixup with the printing, the computer, the process -- we all know how that can work against us! -- the check couldn't be processed automatically in the system. They were stuck - they couldn't do what was needed to be done! And, in many places & times, But, the CEO got involved and said, "just get me the old checkbook and we'll write CT the check and take care of this." And, so I was handed a personally signed check -- written out to me, in his hand, signed with his actual signature. And, I literally woke up crying. Honest. The dream was so real, I woke up crying.
As I thought about it -- and prayed..."God, what are you showing me?" I got my answer.
First, the tears were not of sorrow. They were of healing.
Second, all of those mornings that I prayed for C, S, L and others...I now realize they were just cogs in a wheel -- part of the necessary processes and bureaucracy of a large organization. I wanted to be angry at them and make them out to be the bad guys. But, I learned some facts that would indicate that's not the case - that they did care about me, my situation...but were trapped, limited in what they could do. While that doesn't necessarily mean the organization made the right decision (IMHO), it allows me to forgive them as human beings involved, and see them with compassion. Like I've learned elsewhere, hurting people hurt. Well, just because people stuck in the bureaucracy of an organization hurt others, it doesn't make them bad people. Corporate people hurt...in a sense.
Third, I realized that while I was praying for them to grow in their understanding, ultimately, I was the one who needed to grow. I was the one who needed healing. And, God did just that. Not me - Him. In praying for others -- in doing the next right thing and staying centered, by God's grace, in a spiritual place, God ultimately worked on my heart and helped me forgive and let go on an even deeper level. Some of the forgiveness I had experienced to date was on a somewhat shallow level -- and necessarily so. I was going through the motions - not in a bad way. I needed to keep praying for forgiveness and compassion even if I didn't feel it as deeply as I should. In doing that...over and over and over...God slowly changed my heart.
I have heard stories of our CEO doing some pretty amazing things to make a difference - personally. Again, without getting in the details, I can remember specific situations where he intervened and "did the right thing," adding a personal touch to a pretty public company position on a very sensitive issue. In doing so, I grew to respect him personally as a leader - as a man of character. And, through the actions of the three people yesterday -- underscored by my dream -- some of my faith in the company, in the people of the company, to "do the right thing," was restored. As the leader of the company, his character shines through -- people are able to follow his lead -- and I know that all is not lost just because of one incident...it's not black or white, good or bad...there is still respect for people.
What healing...what growth...what insights. By God's grace...
I've shared before that I was fired after 19+ years with the same company related to my addiction. I've learned that resentment can be the downfall of an addict -- my downfall. So I've worked hard to turn this over to my Higher Power so it doesn't eat at me. Almost every morning, I include prayers for the people involved. It usually goes "I pray for C, S, L and others involved in the decision that they may grow in their understanding of addiction." I learned somewhere that if I'm pissed off at someone, praying for them helps shift the focus towards compassion, understanding and love. It's been helping. But, I learned an even deeper lesson this morning.
Yesterday, I had three separate incidents where people from my old place of employment showed a "personal touch" to my situation and helped restore some of my faith in people. Again, more lessons to sum up - but let me highlight the three situations (for my own memory!)
First, I got a note from a colleague. The portable PC/video projectors from my former teams are labelled per the administrative custom with my last name -- so SMITH#1, SMITH#2. It helps with the scheduling, tracking, etc. One went missing so one of the area AA's sent out an email to the building - "Projector Smith#2 is missing." It sparked an email from my colleague: "This reminded me that the REAL Smith #1 is missing from our midst! Hope you are doing well...think of you often and miss you here." That meant SO much to me! I know in the recent months & years before recovery, my reputation as a leader and people-person had suffered. I own that. But, amidst that, it's comforting to know that it wasn't all negative...I still have people that see through that and know, love and miss me. Wow.
Second, I was talking to my dad about the situation leading up to my termination. He hadn't want to tell me this earlier, but shared with me that after I was fired, he actually wrote the president of the division (F.) in which I worked about my situation, asking that the company reconsider their actions. That BLEW me away. I know my dad loves me and he has been an amazing support. It hasn't been overbearing or codependent - just a healthy, supportive love. For him to have taken the time to "go to bat for me" meant a lot to me. But again, it didn't stop there. The president (who I have interacted with a number of times and for whom I have a LOT of respect) actually wrote back! And, it wasn't a form letter, blowing my dad off. It was a personal letter, written and signed by F. He said he looked into the situation -- and knowing F., he did. He's just that sort of man - he has that sort of character - and amidst the responsibilities, pressure and situations he's faced with, he has managed to maintain a personal touch and concern for the people in his organization. Wow.
Finally, I reached out to a former colleague who is fairly high up in the organization. Like F., she is at the executive level, interacts with C-level management, etc. On a personal level, she carefully looked into some questions I had and responded to me. Without getting into the details, she shared some facts that restored my faith in some people involved. When I hung up I was overwhelmed. Again, like F., her true personal character shined through the processes, the bureaucracy and administrivia. She demonstrated that amidst it all, people can still show the personal touch...the care, concern to "do the right thing." Even if she and F. couldn't change the situation, they took the time to look around and respond. That meant a lot to me. Wow.
So how does this all fit together? What was my HP trying to teach me? Well, like an onion I probably only have the first layer. But here's how those three came together.
Last night I had a dream. In that dream, the company was trying to send me a final check. But, due to a mixup with the printing, the computer, the process -- we all know how that can work against us! -- the check couldn't be processed automatically in the system. They were stuck - they couldn't do what was needed to be done! And, in many places & times, But, the CEO got involved and said, "just get me the old checkbook and we'll write CT the check and take care of this." And, so I was handed a personally signed check -- written out to me, in his hand, signed with his actual signature. And, I literally woke up crying. Honest. The dream was so real, I woke up crying.
As I thought about it -- and prayed..."God, what are you showing me?" I got my answer.
First, the tears were not of sorrow. They were of healing.
Second, all of those mornings that I prayed for C, S, L and others...I now realize they were just cogs in a wheel -- part of the necessary processes and bureaucracy of a large organization. I wanted to be angry at them and make them out to be the bad guys. But, I learned some facts that would indicate that's not the case - that they did care about me, my situation...but were trapped, limited in what they could do. While that doesn't necessarily mean the organization made the right decision (IMHO), it allows me to forgive them as human beings involved, and see them with compassion. Like I've learned elsewhere, hurting people hurt. Well, just because people stuck in the bureaucracy of an organization hurt others, it doesn't make them bad people. Corporate people hurt...in a sense.
Third, I realized that while I was praying for them to grow in their understanding, ultimately, I was the one who needed to grow. I was the one who needed healing. And, God did just that. Not me - Him. In praying for others -- in doing the next right thing and staying centered, by God's grace, in a spiritual place, God ultimately worked on my heart and helped me forgive and let go on an even deeper level. Some of the forgiveness I had experienced to date was on a somewhat shallow level -- and necessarily so. I was going through the motions - not in a bad way. I needed to keep praying for forgiveness and compassion even if I didn't feel it as deeply as I should. In doing that...over and over and over...God slowly changed my heart.
I have heard stories of our CEO doing some pretty amazing things to make a difference - personally. Again, without getting in the details, I can remember specific situations where he intervened and "did the right thing," adding a personal touch to a pretty public company position on a very sensitive issue. In doing so, I grew to respect him personally as a leader - as a man of character. And, through the actions of the three people yesterday -- underscored by my dream -- some of my faith in the company, in the people of the company, to "do the right thing," was restored. As the leader of the company, his character shines through -- people are able to follow his lead -- and I know that all is not lost just because of one incident...it's not black or white, good or bad...there is still respect for people.
What healing...what growth...what insights. By God's grace...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Day 132 - A lesson in recovery...nearly 100 years in the making
I haven't been blogging as much lately - been on the road visiting my family. My 97 year old grandmother is with us now - so we have 4 generations together for the first time since my ten month old niece was born last summer. Our last reunion was for my grandmother's 95th birthday. Since then, my addiction got more active...and I chose to stay at home in Indiana for #96 and #97 because I knew my supply was guaranteed. I chose drugging over family. I'm so grateful for where I am today.
The topic at a meeting I was at tonight was Living in the Moment. I reflected on the last couple of days, and got an amazing lesson in recovery. I thought about the first day with my grandmother when she was reintroduced to my two dogs. When she saw the dogs she asked me "are those your dogs?" I told her yes and told her their names. About ten minutes later she asked me again "now are those your dogs?" I answered her again, and told her the story of how I found them. Although her long term memory is impeccable, her short term memory is failing. After about 6-7 times of asking and me patiently answering, she started to remember they were my dogs.
As I reflected on living in the moment...in a sense, she has the gift of being able to live in the moment! To a certain extent, she's stuck in the present -- but what a better place to be than being stuck in the past or the future. When I live in the past, resentments can overwhelm me. When I live in the future, fear can paralyze me. When I do either, I risk missing what's going on in the present. But, if I stay stuck in the present, I am able to enjoy the precious gift of life in front of me.
I'm so grateful to be back in life, able to create memories with my family and enjoy the gift of today!
The topic at a meeting I was at tonight was Living in the Moment. I reflected on the last couple of days, and got an amazing lesson in recovery. I thought about the first day with my grandmother when she was reintroduced to my two dogs. When she saw the dogs she asked me "are those your dogs?" I told her yes and told her their names. About ten minutes later she asked me again "now are those your dogs?" I answered her again, and told her the story of how I found them. Although her long term memory is impeccable, her short term memory is failing. After about 6-7 times of asking and me patiently answering, she started to remember they were my dogs.
As I reflected on living in the moment...in a sense, she has the gift of being able to live in the moment! To a certain extent, she's stuck in the present -- but what a better place to be than being stuck in the past or the future. When I live in the past, resentments can overwhelm me. When I live in the future, fear can paralyze me. When I do either, I risk missing what's going on in the present. But, if I stay stuck in the present, I am able to enjoy the precious gift of life in front of me.
I'm so grateful to be back in life, able to create memories with my family and enjoy the gift of today!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Day 126 - Hurting people hurt...so find the source of the pain!
A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me. This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it. It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I've been incorporating into my life over time. And it described me today! I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends! As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging... I have another hole to fill in.
But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...
I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out. I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness. But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on. That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior. That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors! And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!
I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!) And, a lightbulb finally went on.
I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out." My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex. I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings. But I know it doesn't make them go away. I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of. But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol. And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship. So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values. Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through.
As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why. And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger. And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass... And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors.
So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on. I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why. I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past. It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness. And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads. It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention! But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.
But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...
I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out. I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness. But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on. That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior. That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors! And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!
I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!) And, a lightbulb finally went on.
I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out." My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex. I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings. But I know it doesn't make them go away. I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of. But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol. And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship. So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values. Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through.
As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why. And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger. And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass... And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors.
So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on. I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why. I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past. It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness. And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads. It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention! But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...
I've written before about feelings. For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings. Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass! And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse. Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse. Play with fire, and you get burned. One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned. This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit. People go out, and most don't come back. People die. It's that simple.
I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past. The specifics aren't that relevant. The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously. I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power. So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build. I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory. I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.
Recovery 101. Don't.
Live in the present. Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard. The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse. Straight from Betty Crocker.
And I came damn close last night.
And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard. I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart. I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened. I was a mess.
I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power. I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go. Simple put, my ego got in the way. CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened. And look where it got me!
Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place. He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture. He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over. To let go.
Pretty simple.
And I got back where I needed to be. A little more humble. Just for today.
It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery. That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.
This time, I made it through. But next I may not.
This is real.
Play with fire, you die.
It's that simple.
Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.
I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past. The specifics aren't that relevant. The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously. I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power. So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build. I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory. I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.
Recovery 101. Don't.
Live in the present. Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard. The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse. Straight from Betty Crocker.
And I came damn close last night.
And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard. I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart. I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened. I was a mess.
I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power. I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go. Simple put, my ego got in the way. CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened. And look where it got me!
Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place. He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture. He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over. To let go.
Pretty simple.
And I got back where I needed to be. A little more humble. Just for today.
It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery. That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.
This time, I made it through. But next I may not.
This is real.
Play with fire, you die.
It's that simple.
Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 110 - The Power of a Question
I was talking to a friend yesterday. We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation. At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right! There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way. I might have been spared some pain.
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Day 106 - Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty
I've been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can't really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.
I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment. I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated. But my heart's not in it. I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.
I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern. Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head. I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours. I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest. This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment. I don't need to be obsessing about this. The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent! So, I'm trying to put that aside.
Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off. So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams. And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears. I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out. I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.
I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!). I got down on my knees and started to pray. I asked my Higher Power to take this away. I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God! I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing. But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley! It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience. The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take. Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!
I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines. The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?" I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship. And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster. I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently. It's just getting there!
In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period. It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors. Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice. It doesn't happen in 90 days! On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth. So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next. I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen. But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome. It's just finding that balance.
The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore. I can face life. I can face the uncertainty. I can face the challenges. I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!
I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment. I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated. But my heart's not in it. I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.
I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern. Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head. I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours. I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest. This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment. I don't need to be obsessing about this. The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent! So, I'm trying to put that aside.
Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off. So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams. And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears. I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out. I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.
I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!). I got down on my knees and started to pray. I asked my Higher Power to take this away. I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God! I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing. But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley! It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience. The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take. Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!
I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines. The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?" I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship. And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster. I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently. It's just getting there!
In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period. It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors. Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice. It doesn't happen in 90 days! On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth. So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next. I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen. But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome. It's just finding that balance.
The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore. I can face life. I can face the uncertainty. I can face the challenges. I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 102 - Finding my "first high" again...
The night I arrived at my sister's for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew. At one point, I didn't think I'd make the performance. I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was...how he kept asking "Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!" I knew there wasn't any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!
I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy. It's electrifying! As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes." It was so POWERFUL!
I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this. My body was on fire! My senses were on overload! I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes. I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest. And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way. I was just enjoying my a*$ off! I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses. And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me. I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this. I could just see myself enjoying without limitations. And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated. It wasn't a mask. It was deep and genuine.
I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X). X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL! All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual. It was overpowering.
As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.
Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high. And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me. While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."
Now I understand - they weren't my first high!
My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!
I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!
I found that first high!
And I found it drug-free! And I found it in my own senses! I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel. And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face. It's not sadness, not loss, not grief. It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.
I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;). But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel. Life is bland. You "can't enjoy life." And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall. I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.
That was my other excitement from the night! I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW - I was on fire! I was bursting out of my skin! It was amazing. I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;) And life was good. I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what. I was at peace. And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again. Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected. I had found my feelings. I had found the ability to experience life.
And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again. It's real - it's not artificial. I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!
And, then to think that I was here with my nephew. These were the kids I took myself away from. You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered. I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.
For all of this, I am truly grateful.
All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.
Priceless ;)
I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy. It's electrifying! As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes." It was so POWERFUL!
I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this. My body was on fire! My senses were on overload! I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes. I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest. And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way. I was just enjoying my a*$ off! I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses. And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me. I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this. I could just see myself enjoying without limitations. And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated. It wasn't a mask. It was deep and genuine.
I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X). X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL! All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual. It was overpowering.
As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.
Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high. And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me. While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."
Now I understand - they weren't my first high!
My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!
I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!
I found that first high!
And I found it drug-free! And I found it in my own senses! I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel. And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face. It's not sadness, not loss, not grief. It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.
I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;). But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel. Life is bland. You "can't enjoy life." And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall. I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.
That was my other excitement from the night! I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW - I was on fire! I was bursting out of my skin! It was amazing. I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;) And life was good. I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what. I was at peace. And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again. Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected. I had found my feelings. I had found the ability to experience life.
And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again. It's real - it's not artificial. I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!
And, then to think that I was here with my nephew. These were the kids I took myself away from. You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered. I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.
For all of this, I am truly grateful.
All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.
Priceless ;)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Day 101 - In life there are no coinkidinks
I know that every step in my recovery -- even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction -- happened for a reason. The prayer I've learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.
This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today. I've been working my butt off to reach that goal. I'm thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help - for the humilty of admitting I can't do it by myself - and for the ability to realize things don't have to be perfect. Because of all of that - I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it. I'm grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work -- but creating memories and enjoying fellowship. What a blessing.
In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that's ok because I'm not in control - a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility. And I still believe he is. But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away. Thankfully, I am not responsible - it's out of my hands. I just keep him in my prayers.
And then, I'm getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven't seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn't know if I could find meth out where they live. And I couldn't be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I'm overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I'm reconnected, I realize now that it's a huge emotional event. I'm excited, but I'm scared; I'm grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I'm not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.
Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I'm at my sister's. I know I'm scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her...I said things that I shouldn't have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It's hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.
I was so busy getting ready that I wasn't processing much on my heart - though I've been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down. I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.
I got into that room...and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa. And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart. "We got into recovery, and things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is still life -- we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick." That's me! But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen...opened my heart up to the healing that was needed...and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on. But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn't really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face. And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me - to give me what I needed.
I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting. One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said "You know, CT...the best part is you don't have to drink or drug." And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It's a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet...to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging...by the grace of God.
If life there are no coinkidinks...just an abundance of miracles.
This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today. I've been working my butt off to reach that goal. I'm thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help - for the humilty of admitting I can't do it by myself - and for the ability to realize things don't have to be perfect. Because of all of that - I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it. I'm grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work -- but creating memories and enjoying fellowship. What a blessing.
In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that's ok because I'm not in control - a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility. And I still believe he is. But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away. Thankfully, I am not responsible - it's out of my hands. I just keep him in my prayers.
And then, I'm getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven't seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn't know if I could find meth out where they live. And I couldn't be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I'm overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I'm reconnected, I realize now that it's a huge emotional event. I'm excited, but I'm scared; I'm grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I'm not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.
Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I'm at my sister's. I know I'm scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her...I said things that I shouldn't have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It's hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.
I was so busy getting ready that I wasn't processing much on my heart - though I've been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down. I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.
I got into that room...and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa. And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart. "We got into recovery, and things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is still life -- we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick." That's me! But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen...opened my heart up to the healing that was needed...and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on. But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn't really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face. And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me - to give me what I needed.
I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting. One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said "You know, CT...the best part is you don't have to drink or drug." And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It's a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet...to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging...by the grace of God.
If life there are no coinkidinks...just an abundance of miracles.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Day 94 - E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego
I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating. Usually things "percolate" for a couple days and I start to understand what I'm to learn. Here goes...
When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego. First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).
As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook. So much for anonymity. Why? Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.
As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:
This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask! Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me. So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice. That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play. I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough. Third pebble...my ego.
NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy! Self-centered. Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive. It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...
Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery. Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow. And isn't that the whole point of this?
Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.
God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.
When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego. First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).
As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook. So much for anonymity. Why? Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.
As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:
I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper.With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others. Second pebble...exposure.
This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask! Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me. So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice. That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play. I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough. Third pebble...my ego.
NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy! Self-centered. Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive. It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...
Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery. Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow. And isn't that the whole point of this?
Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.
God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 90 - Pregnant, PAWS or life?
These last days have felt like being on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm joyous and full of life, the next I'm anxious and paralyzed; I get easily irritated around other people and feel lonely when I'm by myself; I'm optimistic and glad for the changes in my life, then I get angry, sad and scared. I've become obsessed with certain matters needing resolution, and have blissfully ignored others...arguably more urgent and of higher priority. What's going ON!?! I feel like I'm either pregnant, experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome), or life. Since medically speaking I'm unable to get pregnant - being a man ;) - my guess is a combination of PAWS and life.
I've been told there's a reason they give 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month, year and 18 month tokens. One often suffers from physical & mental affects of PAWS (http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm) around those intervals. So, in addition to just giving stepping stones of success along the way, they are designed to give an extra "boost" to the recovering alcoholic or addict who is likely +/- a week hitting some of the symptoms of PAWS and beginning to wonder. I hit it at 50 days...and around 85 days :) These past days, it feels like I've been using again! Friday night, I was basically up all night. I was wired - partially anxious about my legal situation - but mainly wired. I got about 2 hours of sleep...literally. Finally, at 3:30am, I got up and did work around the house! I've been a bit edgy, distracted as if with ADD while also laser-like in single-tasking, and emotionally charged. Hmm...let's look up side-effects of crystal meth...sounds like much the last 18 months of my life on meth!
I also think I'm experiencing some of the frustration of the "meth wall."
Meth addicts get over the acute effects of withdrawal fairly quickly. However, the "wall" period lasts 6-8 months for casual users and 2-3 years for regular users. (Some people never recover and remain unsatisfied with life due to permanent brain damage.) This is a period of prolonged abstinence during which the brain recovers from the changes resulting from meth use. During this period, recovering addicts feel depressed, fuzzyheaded, and think life isn't as pleasurable without the drug.Although life is pleasurable and I'm feeling things once again, the depression and fuzzyheaded-ness is playing tricks with my mind.
Of course, then there's life. I have said I want to experience life on life's terms...not on the terms of a meth addict! And I do mean that! But with that comes - ups and downs; people, places and things that frustrate me; feelings and emotions. All that sh*& I escaped from...the loss, the grieving, the frustration, the emptiness. It's all here - in living colour - in hi-definition - in surround sound! And sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming! But, I know it's better than the alternative...so I pray for serenity -- look for the good -- and turn things over to my Higher Power. It's sometimes harder said than done because it's a new habit...I forget...I get caught up in old ways of thinking. But, when I do remember...or get reminded by those around me in recovery...it gets better.
The other thing I'm realizing is that for the past 90 days (!), I've largely lived in an either a sheltered world of recovery (in- and out-patient; twelve step meetings) or an isolated world at home, away from people and "life." Since I've lost my job, the extremes have compounded. For the most part, I'm either in recovery meetings or at home...with some volunteering at church. When I have been social, it's been 1:1 with people I love, who care for me and who listen & share. Frankly, it's been somewhat self-centered; to a certain extent, it has probably needed to be that way. I'm learning to live & think differently - to wear a new pair of glasses, as the book goes. So, to a certain extent, it's been 90 days "about me." And that's ok. But now, I'm trying to expand that circle & return to reality -- to go out with folks before/after meetings; to forge new friendships & get to know people; to face some pretty tough legal and employment challenges. And, that puts me "back in real life" -- where it's not all about me, where there are people who are bitter & angry as well as peaceful & joy-filled. And simply put - I'm not used to that! For the past 90 days of recovery - and the prior 2+ years of heaving using...it's either been about me, or I've numbed myself from reality!
So, I just put that out there for me to remember looking back. I'm where I need to be... It's ok to be human and make mistakes... I don't have to get along with everyone... and life does have challenges which I can face with the grace & strength of my HP, through which I will grow stronger and survive -- and be far better off on the other side.
For that, I'm grateful.
For now, I must slow down, breathe and give myself a break...
Good night. Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me! By the grace of god...
Friday, March 19, 2010
Day 88 - I cook with wine...
...sometimes I even add it to the food. WC Fields
I was doing dishes yesterday after baking banana bread and was looking out the window, enjoying the view of the woods, nature and my 2 dogs enjoying the warming Spring-like weather. Then, I noticed a quote in my window I had received as a gift. A small wooden sign had the wine/cooking quote from WC Fields. Anyone who knows me and my love for wine and cooking knows this rang true for me. I love wine, particularly good red wine. I lived with a French family in Luxemburg as an exchange student and grew to appreciate fine wine through that experience. When I lived in the UK, the wine store was 2 blocks down and with a wider variety of wines than most US stores at the time (late 90's), I expanded my palette. I turned 30 when I lived there in Chester and a friend gave me a bottle of French bordeaux. He told me to keep it for a special occasion - perhaps my 40th. I've transported that wine now from the UK to North Carolina to Puerto Rico to Indiana, guarding it for a special occasion. I didn't bring it out for my 40th, but had been saving it for the right small gathering of friends who could enjoy it with me.
Then 12/21 came...and I entered recovery! And although I primarily identify myself as an addict, I recognized early on that alcohol was a trigger. More than once, my resolve to lay off the meth was melted with a vodka martini or cosmopolitan. The wisdom from other addicts proved true recently when I almost stumbled with a lingering bottle of aged rum. It reconfirmed for me that alcohol is just another drug; that my illness is cunning and will go to great lengths to seduce me back into active addiction.
I can remember telling my dad, less than 60 days out of treatment, that "for now I choose not to drink. But perhaps some day I'll be able to enjoy a nice glass of red wine with dinner." Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I knew the foolishness of what I was saying. The experience of others confirms the misconception. I heard a story this week of a guy who started with just a sip at a party of a new lemon martini...and within a month, he had fallen hard. The good news is he found the strength to come back in the rooms, finding the support, encouragement and unconditional love he needed to reclaim sobriety. But, not everyone is able to do so.
Seeing that sign was a reminder...that a glass of red wine with dinner would turn into drinking a bottle of wine while cooking, then into worse. Nope, I understand even more deeply - I'm an alcoholic addict. Full stop. No reservations or qualifications.
So what became of that bottle of wine?
I recently went to dinner with some very dear friends, one of which I've known for almost 20 years. They would have been one of the couples with whom I would have savored the wine in celebration. I brought them the bottle and explained its history. At first, as I expected, they insisted on keeping it until I was able to enjoy it with them. But I explained to them that this is a lifelong process -- there are no pre-planned detours -- my life depends on that. So, while my primary drug of choice is crystal meth, I must face the truth that all drugs must go with the same conviction and commitment. I could see in my friends' faces a deeper level of understanding and acceptance. I caught a glimpse of sadness as they realized the gravity...but I also know there are so many other ways that we can celebrate and have fun. And, I know they understand that as well. For starters, he and his wife know that I'm here - alive - able to celebrate period! Had December 21st transpired differently, that wouldn't have been the case.
So, WC Fields - I also bid you farewell. I'll talk with B. and ask her to replace you with another saying more in line with my recovery. Deeper than the quote on a board was the gift and the memory it brings of friends and family. That, I don't want to lose. So, I'll simply replace it with something that can carry the same message and be in line with my recovery....further proof that recovery doesn't mean the end of enjoying life. In fact, it's the beginning of really enjoying the emotions & experiences that life brings -- on life's terms. For that, I'm grateful.
I was doing dishes yesterday after baking banana bread and was looking out the window, enjoying the view of the woods, nature and my 2 dogs enjoying the warming Spring-like weather. Then, I noticed a quote in my window I had received as a gift. A small wooden sign had the wine/cooking quote from WC Fields. Anyone who knows me and my love for wine and cooking knows this rang true for me. I love wine, particularly good red wine. I lived with a French family in Luxemburg as an exchange student and grew to appreciate fine wine through that experience. When I lived in the UK, the wine store was 2 blocks down and with a wider variety of wines than most US stores at the time (late 90's), I expanded my palette. I turned 30 when I lived there in Chester and a friend gave me a bottle of French bordeaux. He told me to keep it for a special occasion - perhaps my 40th. I've transported that wine now from the UK to North Carolina to Puerto Rico to Indiana, guarding it for a special occasion. I didn't bring it out for my 40th, but had been saving it for the right small gathering of friends who could enjoy it with me.
Then 12/21 came...and I entered recovery! And although I primarily identify myself as an addict, I recognized early on that alcohol was a trigger. More than once, my resolve to lay off the meth was melted with a vodka martini or cosmopolitan. The wisdom from other addicts proved true recently when I almost stumbled with a lingering bottle of aged rum. It reconfirmed for me that alcohol is just another drug; that my illness is cunning and will go to great lengths to seduce me back into active addiction.
I can remember telling my dad, less than 60 days out of treatment, that "for now I choose not to drink. But perhaps some day I'll be able to enjoy a nice glass of red wine with dinner." Even as the words rolled off my tongue, I knew the foolishness of what I was saying. The experience of others confirms the misconception. I heard a story this week of a guy who started with just a sip at a party of a new lemon martini...and within a month, he had fallen hard. The good news is he found the strength to come back in the rooms, finding the support, encouragement and unconditional love he needed to reclaim sobriety. But, not everyone is able to do so.
Seeing that sign was a reminder...that a glass of red wine with dinner would turn into drinking a bottle of wine while cooking, then into worse. Nope, I understand even more deeply - I'm an alcoholic addict. Full stop. No reservations or qualifications.
So what became of that bottle of wine?
I recently went to dinner with some very dear friends, one of which I've known for almost 20 years. They would have been one of the couples with whom I would have savored the wine in celebration. I brought them the bottle and explained its history. At first, as I expected, they insisted on keeping it until I was able to enjoy it with them. But I explained to them that this is a lifelong process -- there are no pre-planned detours -- my life depends on that. So, while my primary drug of choice is crystal meth, I must face the truth that all drugs must go with the same conviction and commitment. I could see in my friends' faces a deeper level of understanding and acceptance. I caught a glimpse of sadness as they realized the gravity...but I also know there are so many other ways that we can celebrate and have fun. And, I know they understand that as well. For starters, he and his wife know that I'm here - alive - able to celebrate period! Had December 21st transpired differently, that wouldn't have been the case.
So, WC Fields - I also bid you farewell. I'll talk with B. and ask her to replace you with another saying more in line with my recovery. Deeper than the quote on a board was the gift and the memory it brings of friends and family. That, I don't want to lose. So, I'll simply replace it with something that can carry the same message and be in line with my recovery....further proof that recovery doesn't mean the end of enjoying life. In fact, it's the beginning of really enjoying the emotions & experiences that life brings -- on life's terms. For that, I'm grateful.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Day 87 - 30 day misery back guarantee!
I opened yesterday's mail this morning. Note to self - DON'T do that again before morning meditation and prayers...and coffee!
I received all of the paperwork from my separation. COBRA decisions...life insurance...401K rollover. The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices. But, it's still overwhelming. How do families with kids do this? My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts -- I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go. Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do? All these decisions to make - such little time - and no income. It could be paralyzing. Some days it is - I didn't get out of bed on Monday. (Note the gap in journal entries!) But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today...and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace...I can make it. God didn't bring me THIS far to abandon me!
I'm reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!) "If you're not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work - we will gladly refund your misery." Yep, it's the 30-day misery back guarantee. At any point, I can choose to go back to the using - the drinking - the escape - the numbness. And at any point, I know what that will bring...isolation, depression, misery, despair. Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction. For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom. Is that what I want to return to? Really?
Thankfully, no. Despite the overwhelming feelings at times -- the tough choices -- the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today -- I know that each and every day of sobriety I've enjoyed has been far better than any day of using. Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction. And for that, I'm grateful.
I'll let that misery back guarantee expire. There is no turning back.
I received all of the paperwork from my separation. COBRA decisions...life insurance...401K rollover. The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices. But, it's still overwhelming. How do families with kids do this? My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts -- I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go. Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do? All these decisions to make - such little time - and no income. It could be paralyzing. Some days it is - I didn't get out of bed on Monday. (Note the gap in journal entries!) But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today...and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace...I can make it. God didn't bring me THIS far to abandon me!
I'm reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!) "If you're not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work - we will gladly refund your misery." Yep, it's the 30-day misery back guarantee. At any point, I can choose to go back to the using - the drinking - the escape - the numbness. And at any point, I know what that will bring...isolation, depression, misery, despair. Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction. For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom. Is that what I want to return to? Really?
Thankfully, no. Despite the overwhelming feelings at times -- the tough choices -- the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today -- I know that each and every day of sobriety I've enjoyed has been far better than any day of using. Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction. And for that, I'm grateful.
I'll let that misery back guarantee expire. There is no turning back.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Day 81 - Embracing my feelings as a human being
Today, I met with my realtor about putting the house on the market. I also talked through my financial situation with an accountability partner - sizing up the reality that is facing me. I got through everything fine. Oh wait - what does FINE stand for? Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Or something like that... I wasn't that bad! It's just that fine is about as descriptive as interesting, or good or nice.
This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting. But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest. My mind started wandering...and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me. I started to feel it...funk funk... Next thing I know, I didn't want to get out for my planned meeting!
I text'd a brother "MS" from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don't feel like going is exactly when we need to go! For me, it's the equivalent of my insulin shot...hitting a meeting. And where I am now...getting through my changes and losses...I need it daily!!! If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die. If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.
My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money - in having a job - in having a plan. Until my first court date in April, there's not much point in making too many plans. In order to become a "productive member of society" as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery. He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working. Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work - on what I do, or how much I make. That's changing - for the better. I'm learning to value me for who I am - and others for who they are. But, change is uncomfortable - unsettling - unfamiliar! Recognize it...and work through it. It will take time - and practice. Now's my time to practice! What a gift!
Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing. What does that really look like? Well, right now - it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job. With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be. That provides some relief -- some space to "be." I need to focus on my recovery - strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery. On the financial side, I need to sell me house. It's a cash flow thing...and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow! I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week. So, that's my job now - and it "pays!" It slows the bleeding financially.
Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house. That gets me through the next five weeks until court. And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my "B game" or "C game" - to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it's going to take to solidify this recovery. So, slow down, CT...stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what's next...stay in the moment. I'm right where I need to be. I just need to do the right next thing...and not get too far ahead of myself. Be real and easy does it!
As for my feelings, this "chat" sums things up best...how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!
MS: Glad you made it to the meeting You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it's ok. I don't have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That's an odd combination for me, "Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings"
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It's a healing process
Me: Amen. Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry
This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting. But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest. My mind started wandering...and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me. I started to feel it...funk funk... Next thing I know, I didn't want to get out for my planned meeting!
I text'd a brother "MS" from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don't feel like going is exactly when we need to go! For me, it's the equivalent of my insulin shot...hitting a meeting. And where I am now...getting through my changes and losses...I need it daily!!! If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die. If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.
My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money - in having a job - in having a plan. Until my first court date in April, there's not much point in making too many plans. In order to become a "productive member of society" as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery. He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working. Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work - on what I do, or how much I make. That's changing - for the better. I'm learning to value me for who I am - and others for who they are. But, change is uncomfortable - unsettling - unfamiliar! Recognize it...and work through it. It will take time - and practice. Now's my time to practice! What a gift!
Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing. What does that really look like? Well, right now - it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job. With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be. That provides some relief -- some space to "be." I need to focus on my recovery - strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery. On the financial side, I need to sell me house. It's a cash flow thing...and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow! I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week. So, that's my job now - and it "pays!" It slows the bleeding financially.
Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house. That gets me through the next five weeks until court. And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my "B game" or "C game" - to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it's going to take to solidify this recovery. So, slow down, CT...stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what's next...stay in the moment. I'm right where I need to be. I just need to do the right next thing...and not get too far ahead of myself. Be real and easy does it!
As for my feelings, this "chat" sums things up best...how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!
MS: Glad you made it to the meeting You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it's ok. I don't have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That's an odd combination for me, "Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings"
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It's a healing process
Me: Amen. Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
