The night I arrived at my sister's for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew. At one point, I didn't think I'd make the performance. I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was...how he kept asking "Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!" I knew there wasn't any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!
I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy. It's electrifying! As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes." It was so POWERFUL!
I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this. My body was on fire! My senses were on overload! I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes. I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest. And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way. I was just enjoying my a*$ off! I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses. And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me. I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this. I could just see myself enjoying without limitations. And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated. It wasn't a mask. It was deep and genuine.
I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X). X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL! All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual. It was overpowering.
As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.
Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high. And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me. While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."
Now I understand - they weren't my first high!
My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!
I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!
I found that first high!
And I found it drug-free! And I found it in my own senses! I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel. And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face. It's not sadness, not loss, not grief. It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.
I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;). But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel. Life is bland. You "can't enjoy life." And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall. I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.
That was my other excitement from the night! I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW - I was on fire! I was bursting out of my skin! It was amazing. I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;) And life was good. I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what. I was at peace. And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again. Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected. I had found my feelings. I had found the ability to experience life.
And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again. It's real - it's not artificial. I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!
And, then to think that I was here with my nephew. These were the kids I took myself away from. You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered. I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.
For all of this, I am truly grateful.
All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.
Priceless ;)
Showing posts with label crystal meth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crystal meth. Show all posts
Friday, April 2, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Day 91 - Goodbye Letter to Crystal Meth
I was going through my notebook from treatment and came across a good-bye letter I wrote to my drug of choice, crystal meth. It was an exercise during inpatient they had us do as we left inpatient to whatever next phase of treatment we were heading. It was a way to bring closure to the ending relationship with our "best friend." We read these out loud to our group. Since I came across it, I thought I'd share it here.
Dear Crystal
I never felt like I fit in - I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in. I've moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.
Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago. You've taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available -- ecstasy, GHB, pot, "special K," cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you're the one who always reached out to me - called me - called me back - never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention. Thank you.
You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC - crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it's been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn't want to leave you. I missed my grandmother's 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn't sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn't take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother...and missed her funeral...because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.
That is my friend.
That is my best friend.
That's bullshit.
What do they say -- with friends like you, who needs enemies.
Crystal Meth, I'm ending this friendship. Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.
Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.
Crystal Meth, I'm tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.
Crystal Meth, I'm no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I'm going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.
Crystal Meth, I'm replacing you with my new thirteen best friends...the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I'm reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.
Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.
Signed,
CT
January 4, 2010
As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course). I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:
CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT' where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}
CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power...multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime '
^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}
*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity --> Father, Son and Holy Spirit...so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 ;)
Dear Crystal
I never felt like I fit in - I was always sitting on the outside of life looking in. I've moved every 3 years for the past 18 years and until recently (2009) I've never lived anywhere longer than 4 years since I was 10 years old. So, I hardly had close friends, let alone a best friend.
Then, I was introduced to you nine years ago. You've taken many shapes and sizes through the years depending on what was available -- ecstasy, GHB, pot, "special K," cocaine and finally crystal meth. Through all the moves, ups and downs and relationships, you stuck with me. Of all my friends, you're the one who always reached out to me - called me - called me back - never let me go too long before you checked in on me. I needed and craved the attention. Thank you.
You helped me to fit in. I got to hang with fun people and dance and party to make up for my lost days at college. I had sex with guys would have never given me the time of day were it not for the crystal or coke I brought to the table. You even helped me stay in a loving relationship for seven years. In the end, faced with a choice between my best friend of nine years and the man who shared my life for seven years through all sorts of crap, I chose my DOC - crystal meth. Although it ultimately was the best choice for us both, it's been a painful loss. But as painful as our breakup was, I saw it as an opportunity to get more deeply involved with you, crystal meth. A couple times a week turned into several times a day. I turned down family vacations to be with you. I have yet to meet my new niece born in July 2009 because I didn't want to leave you. I missed my grandmother's 96th and 97th birthdays because I wasn't sure I could find you out East. With all of the phone calls I didn't take or voicemails I erased without listening, I could have lost my grandmother...and missed her funeral...because of you. In my final moments of despair, I would have even taken the life of my dogs as well as my own because of you.
That is my friend.
That is my best friend.
That's bullshit.
What do they say -- with friends like you, who needs enemies.
Crystal Meth, I'm ending this friendship. Instead, I choose my two nieces and two nephews.
Crystal Meth, to you I say good-bye and reacquaint myself with my family, including my 97 year old grandmother who is still alive and well.
Crystal Meth, I'm tired of wasting time with you, and instead will return to my hobbies of model trains, gardening, cooking and photography.
Crystal Meth, I'm no longer confining myself to Greenfield, isolated and alone with you, a butane torch and a pipe. Instead I'm going to once again pursue my love of travel and visit other parts of the US and the world.
Crystal Meth, I'm replacing you with my new thirteen best friends...the twelve steps of my program and my Higher Power. I'm reconnecting with my other friends who have stood by me and always been there even when I abandoned them.
Goodbye crystal meth.
Goodbye addiction.
Hello Recovery.
Signed,
CT
January 4, 2010
As an engineer, along with my letter, I came up with my personal formula for Recovery (of course). I shared it with the group that last day of inpatient:
CT / [f(a) -1] x fb + [t + 15] x r = CT' where a={c,cm,x,k,420,g}
CT (me) was divided by the function of addiction f(a)^ less One, his Higher Power...multiply that by Fairbanks and add/allow for [time to heal + 15 friends*] multiplied by Recovery and the outcome is equal to a renewed CT in his prime '
^where a is a function {cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy, special K, pot and GHB}
*15 new friends as my Higher Power is the Christian Trinity --> Father, Son and Holy Spirit...so the twelve steps of my program plus 3 ;)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 90 - Pregnant, PAWS or life?
These last days have felt like being on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm joyous and full of life, the next I'm anxious and paralyzed; I get easily irritated around other people and feel lonely when I'm by myself; I'm optimistic and glad for the changes in my life, then I get angry, sad and scared. I've become obsessed with certain matters needing resolution, and have blissfully ignored others...arguably more urgent and of higher priority. What's going ON!?! I feel like I'm either pregnant, experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome), or life. Since medically speaking I'm unable to get pregnant - being a man ;) - my guess is a combination of PAWS and life.
I've been told there's a reason they give 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month, year and 18 month tokens. One often suffers from physical & mental affects of PAWS (http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm) around those intervals. So, in addition to just giving stepping stones of success along the way, they are designed to give an extra "boost" to the recovering alcoholic or addict who is likely +/- a week hitting some of the symptoms of PAWS and beginning to wonder. I hit it at 50 days...and around 85 days :) These past days, it feels like I've been using again! Friday night, I was basically up all night. I was wired - partially anxious about my legal situation - but mainly wired. I got about 2 hours of sleep...literally. Finally, at 3:30am, I got up and did work around the house! I've been a bit edgy, distracted as if with ADD while also laser-like in single-tasking, and emotionally charged. Hmm...let's look up side-effects of crystal meth...sounds like much the last 18 months of my life on meth!
I also think I'm experiencing some of the frustration of the "meth wall."
Meth addicts get over the acute effects of withdrawal fairly quickly. However, the "wall" period lasts 6-8 months for casual users and 2-3 years for regular users. (Some people never recover and remain unsatisfied with life due to permanent brain damage.) This is a period of prolonged abstinence during which the brain recovers from the changes resulting from meth use. During this period, recovering addicts feel depressed, fuzzyheaded, and think life isn't as pleasurable without the drug.Although life is pleasurable and I'm feeling things once again, the depression and fuzzyheaded-ness is playing tricks with my mind.
Of course, then there's life. I have said I want to experience life on life's terms...not on the terms of a meth addict! And I do mean that! But with that comes - ups and downs; people, places and things that frustrate me; feelings and emotions. All that sh*& I escaped from...the loss, the grieving, the frustration, the emptiness. It's all here - in living colour - in hi-definition - in surround sound! And sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming! But, I know it's better than the alternative...so I pray for serenity -- look for the good -- and turn things over to my Higher Power. It's sometimes harder said than done because it's a new habit...I forget...I get caught up in old ways of thinking. But, when I do remember...or get reminded by those around me in recovery...it gets better.
The other thing I'm realizing is that for the past 90 days (!), I've largely lived in an either a sheltered world of recovery (in- and out-patient; twelve step meetings) or an isolated world at home, away from people and "life." Since I've lost my job, the extremes have compounded. For the most part, I'm either in recovery meetings or at home...with some volunteering at church. When I have been social, it's been 1:1 with people I love, who care for me and who listen & share. Frankly, it's been somewhat self-centered; to a certain extent, it has probably needed to be that way. I'm learning to live & think differently - to wear a new pair of glasses, as the book goes. So, to a certain extent, it's been 90 days "about me." And that's ok. But now, I'm trying to expand that circle & return to reality -- to go out with folks before/after meetings; to forge new friendships & get to know people; to face some pretty tough legal and employment challenges. And, that puts me "back in real life" -- where it's not all about me, where there are people who are bitter & angry as well as peaceful & joy-filled. And simply put - I'm not used to that! For the past 90 days of recovery - and the prior 2+ years of heaving using...it's either been about me, or I've numbed myself from reality!
So, I just put that out there for me to remember looking back. I'm where I need to be... It's ok to be human and make mistakes... I don't have to get along with everyone... and life does have challenges which I can face with the grace & strength of my HP, through which I will grow stronger and survive -- and be far better off on the other side.
For that, I'm grateful.
For now, I must slow down, breathe and give myself a break...
Good night. Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me! By the grace of god...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day 78 - This Insidious disease
Last night was a little harder night. I was going great -- on a bit of a natural high from the day and from what amazing possibilities are percolating. I caught myself thinking..."wouldn't it be a great night to have a nice glass of wine with my dinner." Or, needing to relax from a busy day, "wouldn't it be nice to curl up and watch TV with an ice cold beer." I haven't had any cravings to USE - but I let myself start THINKING about DRINKING.
Instead I chose to draw a hot bath and soak, meditate. My normal metal cup had been moved this weekend by a friend who was helping to clean house. He put it back in the bar -- it is half of a Bacardi Rum shaker (metal cup and glass used together). It's not a drinking trigger for me at all - it goes well with the bathroom; I use it to rinse the tub after soak baths; it looks better than a plastic cup.
The cup wasn't the problem. I went to the bar area, which had been cleaned out of liquor already. Except...I saw...a special bottle of aged rum. I had left it behind wanting to give it to a friend who would appreciate it. Or, perhaps, subconsciously, I left it behind for me. I wonder which...
All of a sudden my head was filled with lies. Remember, this is the only disease which wants me to believe I don't have a disease. "Your issue never really was alcohol - it was drugs. You're ok to have one drink." "You don't have to give up wine or good alcohol - you've been able to control that part. It's the crystal meth." And the all but insane, "You had a great first day - you've gotten through being fired with amazing strength. You deserve to celebrate with a hot bath and a nice shot of aged rum from Puerto Rico -- a gift from Carlos in Puerto Rico. This is all worth celebrating." No, I take that back. It's not all but insane...it IS insane!
Nonetheless, I wasn't there at the time...I was at "all but insane" or "far from insane." I poured the shot glass...I smelled the rum. Familiar scents and memories -- good ones -- came flooding back. My mind was playing insidious tricks with me. It knew better than to hit me with drugs this time. It went for the subtle smell of rum.
I brought the shot into the bathroom -- the tub already filling with hot water; my readings (from NA!) and meditations sitting on the edge of the tub platform. I thought about calling my sponsor to stop this and talk myself through. Then I looked at the shot; I could smell the rum permeating the bathroom as the steamed air began to fill up the room as well. I started to play through how relaxing it would be -- how GOOD the rum would taste. That was much more enjoyable than talking to someone! I was caught up in the moment. I was caught up in the lies of this insidious and cunning disease.
Then I thought of all I had going for me -- of all the progress I have made. I took the shot and poured the rum down the sink. I rinsed the sink out; moved the glass out of the bathroom; and lit a candle to burn of the smell.
I was in relapse again. I didn't drink or use -- but next time, I may not find the strength to stop it. I used some of my tools - but not enough of them soon enough. I played with this temptation WAY too long. I didn't cut it off a the root..I fed it with nutrients...I let it pop its head up through the gentle, warm soil...I allowed time for the sun's rays to beat down on it to give it life. I nurtured it and encouraged it just enough to find a budding plant. And then, only then, did I rip it out and kill it.
That's NOT what our Lenten series at church means when we ask ourselves, "What are you growing for Lent?"
The bottle still needs to be out of the house. And I realize now that the 3-4 bottles of red wine I'm storing to "give to a friend" must also go. Today. I win this battle one day at a time -- I must fight this battle one day at a time. Not tomorrow -- not "when I feel ready" -- not eventually -- TODAY.
Yes, one is a bottle given to me for my 30th birthday party in England. It's been from the UK, to NC, to Puerto Rico, to here. I've been saving it for a special occasion -- it's one to keep for 10+ years. So now would be about right. But, I've also been to hell and back since then -- seen the bottom of my addiction -- faced the choice of life or death. By the grace of God, I chose life. With that same grace, I must be realistic and pull out all of the stops with the same fervor, joy and determination that I have had about my recovery in the past days. I must "ride the wave" and keep on the path.
I wrote a good-bye letter to Crystal Meth during inpatient. Sounds like I need to write the same for fine wine and spirits...
Watch this space for said letter...
Instead I chose to draw a hot bath and soak, meditate. My normal metal cup had been moved this weekend by a friend who was helping to clean house. He put it back in the bar -- it is half of a Bacardi Rum shaker (metal cup and glass used together). It's not a drinking trigger for me at all - it goes well with the bathroom; I use it to rinse the tub after soak baths; it looks better than a plastic cup.
The cup wasn't the problem. I went to the bar area, which had been cleaned out of liquor already. Except...I saw...a special bottle of aged rum. I had left it behind wanting to give it to a friend who would appreciate it. Or, perhaps, subconsciously, I left it behind for me. I wonder which...
All of a sudden my head was filled with lies. Remember, this is the only disease which wants me to believe I don't have a disease. "Your issue never really was alcohol - it was drugs. You're ok to have one drink." "You don't have to give up wine or good alcohol - you've been able to control that part. It's the crystal meth." And the all but insane, "You had a great first day - you've gotten through being fired with amazing strength. You deserve to celebrate with a hot bath and a nice shot of aged rum from Puerto Rico -- a gift from Carlos in Puerto Rico. This is all worth celebrating." No, I take that back. It's not all but insane...it IS insane!
Nonetheless, I wasn't there at the time...I was at "all but insane" or "far from insane." I poured the shot glass...I smelled the rum. Familiar scents and memories -- good ones -- came flooding back. My mind was playing insidious tricks with me. It knew better than to hit me with drugs this time. It went for the subtle smell of rum.
I brought the shot into the bathroom -- the tub already filling with hot water; my readings (from NA!) and meditations sitting on the edge of the tub platform. I thought about calling my sponsor to stop this and talk myself through. Then I looked at the shot; I could smell the rum permeating the bathroom as the steamed air began to fill up the room as well. I started to play through how relaxing it would be -- how GOOD the rum would taste. That was much more enjoyable than talking to someone! I was caught up in the moment. I was caught up in the lies of this insidious and cunning disease.
Then I thought of all I had going for me -- of all the progress I have made. I took the shot and poured the rum down the sink. I rinsed the sink out; moved the glass out of the bathroom; and lit a candle to burn of the smell.
I was in relapse again. I didn't drink or use -- but next time, I may not find the strength to stop it. I used some of my tools - but not enough of them soon enough. I played with this temptation WAY too long. I didn't cut it off a the root..I fed it with nutrients...I let it pop its head up through the gentle, warm soil...I allowed time for the sun's rays to beat down on it to give it life. I nurtured it and encouraged it just enough to find a budding plant. And then, only then, did I rip it out and kill it.
That's NOT what our Lenten series at church means when we ask ourselves, "What are you growing for Lent?"
The bottle still needs to be out of the house. And I realize now that the 3-4 bottles of red wine I'm storing to "give to a friend" must also go. Today. I win this battle one day at a time -- I must fight this battle one day at a time. Not tomorrow -- not "when I feel ready" -- not eventually -- TODAY.
Yes, one is a bottle given to me for my 30th birthday party in England. It's been from the UK, to NC, to Puerto Rico, to here. I've been saving it for a special occasion -- it's one to keep for 10+ years. So now would be about right. But, I've also been to hell and back since then -- seen the bottom of my addiction -- faced the choice of life or death. By the grace of God, I chose life. With that same grace, I must be realistic and pull out all of the stops with the same fervor, joy and determination that I have had about my recovery in the past days. I must "ride the wave" and keep on the path.
I wrote a good-bye letter to Crystal Meth during inpatient. Sounds like I need to write the same for fine wine and spirits...
Watch this space for said letter...
Friday, March 5, 2010
Day 74 - Learning the 4th Step in the 1st Step
I spent a month in rehab, learning the tools that would serve me in recovery. During one session, the speaker talked about there being 4 steps in the 1st step. We admit we're powerless...we accept we're powerless...we accept that we've accepted we're powerless...and finally, we surrender. What I took away for my journey is it's easy to come to admit my powerlessness in the relative safety of an inpatient treatment center - my "step #1.1." And that's valid and real. But, it takes some time - and some experience "living life on life's terms" before I more fully understand what it means...and reach the point, through some "life tests" and "lessons learned," where I truly surrender.
Over the past 2 weeks, I've been through 2 very trying experiences that put my new tools to the test. They challenged my thinking - was I really understanding...was I really trusting my Higher Power...was I really working my program of recovery? In the first situation, I called some friends in recovery and caught myself before using. But, I now realize I had already entered into relapse by that point. "You can be in Recovery or in Relapse - but not both at the same time." During the second situation, I came a lot closer to using. I asked for help knowing I was facing a stressful time - but held onto some "open time" that led me to invite someone over to use. I stopped the cycle before I was able to follow through -- but again - I had already relapsed mentally and spiritually. Through sharing those experiences in group, I realized I had become complacent already - after about 72 days of sobriety. I had fallen into auto-pilot on a plateau...and it was time to move off that and keep the path of recovery moving upward.
What I know realize is those two experiences were "accepting" (step #1.2) and "accepting I had accepted" (step #1.3). I made it through the challenges, and learned a lot through sharing and listening to others. I realized how I need to allow myself to feel "enough" when tough situations or losses come along, less I ignore or numb those feelings -- only to surface later in a relapse. So, I became aware that I was working my way through that first step...Step 1.1, 1.2 and 1.3 were over...one more step to go!
Today it came. I was fired from my job for violation of our company's substance abuse policy. On Monday - 4 days ago (experience #1.3) I turned myself into the police after having learned a warrant had finally been issued for my drug overdose & 911 call in December -- the event that led to my treatment and recovery. Following company policy, I reported that to my management and HR this morning at 10:30am. At 4:30pm, after 20 years with my employer, I was terminated for violation of that policy. The reason -- working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it jeopardizes the firm's reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance -- but essentially, that's what I learned.
I surrender...
I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. "He didn't save me from the ocean waves only to drag me onto shore and beat me with a baseball bat."
I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1 -- that I must surrender my addiction and my unmanageable life to my Higher Power. It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the Recovery Community and my Feelings...that I will stay clean and sober...for Today.
I'm grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life -- because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.
March 5, 2010
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