Day 142 - Taking back control...a lesson in self-will

I've learned recently that my recovery isn't just about admitting I'm powerless over my addictions.  It's really about admitting I'm powerless over life in general.  Life happens.  I'm learning how to live it on life terms, not the terms of a meth addict.  In doing so, I must learn to give up control.  Otherwise, the stress and futility of being back in the driver's seat will drive me to drink or use again.  Literally.

As I learned this painful lesson, I started to incorporate admitting I'm powerless over x, y, z in life into my daily prayers.  Every morning now, I turn over the sale of my house, my job search, and my legal situations to my Higher Power, admitting I'm powerless over their outcomes and leaving them in His hands.  I do the legwork -- "do the next right thing" to make sure I'm doing my part.  But, beyond that, it's out of my hands.

I do pretty well with the legal situation - because in my heart, I know I'm truly incapable of influencing the outcome.  The best I can do is stay clean and sober -- the rest is up to the lawyers and the judge.  But, in situations like the sale of my house, it's easy for me to get "conned" into taking control back over.  That happened this week for me - and it was a lesson in self-will.

I had a project to finish - laying flooring in one room.  It's been a need long before I got clean and sober -- another unfinished project.  As an active addict, I didn't care.  As a recovering addict, I still fall into those patterns of thinking sometimes.  But, I realize that I'm also afraid of failure - of screwing it up.  Without realizing it, that fear grips me and keeps me sometimes from even starting, from even trying.  I'm also a perfectionist.  And again, without realizing it, sometimes the fear of not doing something perfectly keeps me from doing it at all.  Sound logic right - if I never do something, I can't fail...and I can't do it incorrectly (not perfectly) if I don't do it at all!  (And sometimes I question whether I really need to be restored to sanity - to sound thinking, with sound judgement!!!)

I know that approach is not realistic...and it's not living life on life's terms!

But more importantly this time, I now realize that I put SO much pressure on myself to get the project done before the next showing that I started to believe that the outcome of the next showing was 100% dependent on the project being done.  If I didn't do this, the house wouldn't sell!  I had taking back control of the house sale.  It wasn't the realtor, it wasn't the buyer, it wasn't my Higher Power controlling the outcome.  It was CT -- and the awaiting floors.  About mid-way through the project -- when it was clear I wasn't going to finish in time, after procrastinating and dawdling, I kinda lost it.  I got frustrated and stressed enough that I threw the hammer down (on the sub-flooring thank goodness!) and screamed out loud -- "I can't do this - this is crazy."  In my mind, I was telling myself I was stupid, incapable, hopeless...nothing had changed and I was just as crazy as before.   The next thought in that sequence would be "so I might as well go back and use, cause at least I'd feel good!"

I stopped, and took a deep breath.  By God's grace, I realized I needed to shift my thinking...or this would continue, and that next thought would come to mind and perhaps, get played out.  That was my normal pattern - - get frustrated and overwhelmed, but in true competitive spirit, never admit defeat.  With the tools of recovery, I had a choice.  I could change the direction of my stinking thinking!

So, I stood up and stopped.  I went downstairs and laid down.  I started to pray, to re-center on my Higher Power and the spiritual truth that I wasn't in control - He was.  The outcome of the house sale wasn't in my hands - it was in His.  The sale did NOT depend, as arrogant and self-centered as it now sounds, on the sole effort of laying new flooring in the room!

I let go, and let God back in.

Now, do I still need to do the legwork - yes.  Should I continue to procrastinate and let fear grip me - no.  But, can I do the legwork in a calm, peaceful and joyful manner, knowing where it fits into the bigger picture?   Absolutely.

So, I think I'll hop out (again) of the driver's seat and settle back in for the ride.  I have a much better chance of getting where I need to go! ;)

Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance

A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn't.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  

He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment."  Self reliant - confident - in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.  

In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation.  I'll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.

Day 120 - Family ties that burden our hearts

The devotional I read this morning spoke to the family ties with this disease.  Addiction is a family disease but we could only change ourselves.  As an engineer, three data points make a trend.  And I had MORE than three data points on this in the past 24 hours.  So, I'm moved to share.

I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction.  That's been weighing on my mind.  What can I do to help?  What can I say to ease her burden?  What have I learned through my experience?

To add to the trend,  I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction...suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life.  I was at a loss for what to say.  I had lunch with a friend today who's ex-spouse went through a similar "full regiment" of treatment to mine.  She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well.  He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years - they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice.  I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial.  And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who's brother is starting down the long road of recovery -- and the painful "tough love" choices her family has had to make over the years.  Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.

The answers to these situation are so tough.  I know - I'm there myself.  And I see it in others' eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B's father's voice when we talked on the phone about Michael's relapse during treatment after inpatient.  They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24.  For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised.  He broke into my house and stole from me - an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery.  I could hear the grief in his father's voice that night - yet I'm sure he was no longer able to shed a tear.  They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go.  Today, God only knows where Michael B is...

As family members -- mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers -- there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own.  The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power's care.  I am so used to doing, helping...and yet, in these close blood relationships, it's the most dangerous thing I can probably do.  It can do more harm - I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love...the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help.  It only sent me further into my addiction.

So what then?

Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer?  Go to jail?  Lose everything?  Lose hope?

No.  Don't just do something.  Stand there.


Well, kneel there...and pray.  Turn it over to my Higher Power.  It really tests my faith.  Do I believe in the power of prayer?  Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?!  Can I let go and let god?

I think back now on my church's prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911.  I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me.  My sister had my listed with her church.  And I can see the results today...my Higher Power at work in my life.

And yet, I face my family members addiction...or the conversation with the woman from church...and I wonder what to say.  I doubt the power of prayer.  Why?

Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for "the addict who still suffers," I whisper 4 names to myself -- Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart.  Why?  Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer.  I believe.  I've seen it work.  For those four especially, it's all I can do.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

Day 118 - Sharing my story

When I entered treatment in December 2009, the ministers and friends from my church were a major part of my care.  Today, I was asked to share my story at church in our "Lessons from the Contemporary Church" -- essentially a mini-lead.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the work my Higher Power is doing in my life. I've already made at least one connection with someone who wants to talk more about their son who is my age and may be in addiction.  My prayer before I spoke was that He would use His message to touch someone's heart...  I was also able to meet a woman from the prayer chain; she recognized my story from recent months.  I was so thankful that we have these silent but powerful prayer warriors...

The scripture passage was about Saul’s conversion, from Acts 9:1-20.

Here's a link to an audio version:
http://www.broadwayumc.info/audio/04-18-10_Contemporary_Lesson.mp3

My name is CT. I am 41 years old.  I’d like to share a little bit of my story with you. 

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. My main drug of choice was crystal meth, but I’ve used a variety of drugs since I took my first pill at age 33.  During that time and since college, I’ve also used alcohol as a drug.  I started drinking and drugging because it felt good.  That’s where it always starts.  But eventually, things got out of control.  And they always do for the addict or alcoholic.

Initially, I didn’t use drugs that often.  But, in the past 2-3 years, things got pretty bad for me.  I have always felt out of place for one reason or another.  I have been pretty successful career wise -- 19 years with the same company, moving up the company ladder with 2 international assignments and 5 company moves.  Yet even with all that money and success, I felt like an impostor -- and was afraid that someday someone would figure out that I really wasn’t any good.  I felt inadequate in most areas of my life -- but I knew how to play the game and wear the mask. 

But the more I played this game, the worse I felt about myself. I began to lose self confidence.  Two years ago, my life started getting pretty bad.  I had a stressful project at work, a boss who I didn’t like, and went thru the ending of a 7 year relationship.  Of course, if I hadn’t been drugging so much, I might have been able to deal with all that.  But, I used more and more to feel less and less.  I isolated myself from friends and family.  I stopped coming to church for most of last year.  And, my drug use in the last year and a half grew to pretty much every day.   Quite simply, I used drugs to escape life.  

I can remember some pretty rough nights towards the end of last year.  I felt very empty.  I finally reached the point where I couldn’t continue living like this.  I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt.  On December 21, 2009, I reached my bottom...I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to live or die.

Fortunately, that Monday night, I chose to live.  Even though I had stopped coming to church last year, my pastors had both reached out to me.  They didn’t know about my drug use, but they knew I was in a world of hurt.  Pastor Mike and I had been meeting for breakfast every other Saturday for most of last year.  So, when I chose life that night - literally - he was the first person I called.  

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital in the town where I live.  Several people from my church drove out to be with me.  And I found out later, the church’s prayer chain was kicked into action while I was still on the phone with 911.  I was admitted to the best drug & alcohol treatment center in Indiana the next day, spent a month off work in treatment, and have been in recovery since then.  I will celebrate 4 months clean and sober on Wednesday, by the grace of God.

I’ve learned that I have the disease of addiction.  But, by relying on God every day, I can make it through each day clean and sober.  I don’t have to use drugs to deal with life.  

I now see life through a different pair of glasses.  The job I returned to was just as stressful as when I left - but I have changed.  The boss I worked for was still the same -- but I have changed.  

This process of recovery takes time - it’s like learning my ABC’s and 123’s all over again.  It will take a year or two for me to fully learn how to live life without drugs -- and even then, this is a life long process of recovery.  And some days, it’s been tough...and I’ve been tempted to give up and go back to what is comfortable - as crazy as that sounds.  It’s true.  But I know that if I stop using the tools I’ve been given, I will go back to using or drinking.  And next time, I may not survive.  Most of us don’t.  Not many of us - most of us.

Even amidst all of this, I know that God’s hand has been on me over the past 3 years. I have an amazing peace and am thankful for everything that has happened.  I know this is exactly where I need to be because of the amazing things that God is doing in my life already.  When I returned to work, people told me I was a different CT.  I’ve had so many friends and family tell me how much better I look and sound.  Others can see the transformation that I feel in my heart.

Let me close by being clear about one thing - this story nothing to do with CT. This isn’t about me being strong and getting my life back under control.  This is about turning my life over to God. Like we’ve been taught here at our church, this is about remembering my baptism...every single day.  Literally, I don’t leave my house no matter how late I am unless I get on my knees and pray -- and I admit my powerlessness over my addiction and over the things that happen in life.  I have been resurrected from that point of bankruptcy and given new life.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...

I've written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass!  And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned.  This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit.  People go out, and most don't come back.  People die.  It's that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren't that relevant.  The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously.  I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don't.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.



It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It's that simple.



Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.

Day 106 - Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty

I've been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can't really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.

I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment.  I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated.  But my heart's not in it.  I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.

I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern.  Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head.  I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours.  I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest.  This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment.  I don't need to be obsessing about this.  The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent!   So, I'm trying to put that aside.

Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off.  So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams.  And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears.  I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out.  I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.

I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!).  I got down on my knees and started to pray.  I asked my Higher Power to take this away.  I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God!  I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing.  But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley!  It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience.  The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take.  Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!

I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines.  The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?"  I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship.  And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster.  I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently.  It's just getting there!

In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period.  It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors.  Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice.  It doesn't happen in 90 days!  On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth.  So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next.  I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen.  But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome.  It's just finding that balance.

The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore.  I can face life.  I can face the uncertainty.  I can face the challenges.  I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!

Day 101 - In life there are no coinkidinks

I know that every step in my recovery -- even the steps before I hit bottom, while I was still in active addiction -- happened for a reason. The prayer I've learned to pray is for my Higher Power to make His will known to me and to give the strength to carry it out.

This week was amazing. Things happened for a reason to get me where I needed to be for my health and recovery. A lot has been going on in my life. I had a goal to get my house on the market today.  I've been working my butt off to reach that goal. I'm thankful for my newfound ability to ask for help - for the humilty of admitting I can't do it by myself - and for the ability to realize things don't have to be perfect. Because of all of that - I reached my goal and got the house on the market and felt good about it.  I'm grateful to the friends who helped out, who came over and spent time with me not just doing the work -- but creating memories and enjoying fellowship.  What a blessing.

In a previous blog I shared about a friend who reached out to me and is wanting to get into recovery after a recent situation where he used drugs. That was a hard situation for me to deal with because after a great conversation and a willingness to go to a self-help meeting, he decided not to go. It was still too painful for him to take that step right now. And that's ok because I'm not in control - a Higher Power is at work arranging just the right set of experiences to get him where he needs to be, if he remains willing and open to the possibility.  And I still believe he is.  But it was a lot to deal with, seeing him back away.  Thankfully, I am not responsible - it's out of my hands.  I just keep him in my prayers.

And then, I'm getting ready to visit my sister and her family, including my niece and nephews. For the last two years, I haven't seen them because I chose drugging over family holidays. They wanted so much to come visit again during the summers after a phenominal visit 4 years ago, but I always managed to find an excuse. You see, I didn't know if I could find meth out where they live.  And I couldn't be bothered hosting people when I could be escaping with my drugs. So, while I'm overjoyed at the thought of seeing them and grateful that I'm reconnected, I realize now that it's a huge emotional event. I'm excited, but I'm scared; I'm grateful, but I regret the time I missed with them. I'm not stuck living in the past with regrets, but I am acknowledging my feelings.

Finally, my mom is coming to visit as well over part of the weekend while I'm at my sister's. I know I'm scared about that because the last time I visited my mom, I lost my temper and got angry at her...I said things that I shouldn't have said that were out of a place of fear and sadness because I believe she is still in active addiction with alcohol and presciption drugs. It's hard for me to be around that and she made some choices that put me in difficult positions during my visit. I was in relapse, coming very close to using at around 60 days of sober time. So the thought of having to be around her again has been weighing on my mind.

I was so busy getting ready that I wasn't processing much on my heart - though I've been keeping up with my devotional readings, prayer and meetings. I was going to miss my home group NA meeting tonight in order to attend a meeting with my friend I mentioned, but at the last minute he backed down.  I was frustrated with him, but was reminded by my sponsor to always put my own recovery first and work my own program. My sobriety is my first priority.

I got into that room...and I saw those familiar faces who have grown to know me and vice versa.  And, no coinkidink that the topic was anger. A friend in there shared about his dad who is in his last days of life and how grateful he was that he has been able to rekindle his relationship with his dad. We read the meditation passage for the day which I had read that morning; it had passed through my head but had not allowed it to touch my heart.  "We got into recovery, and things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life -- we still lose our jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick."  That's me!  But finally, I had slowed down enough to listen...opened my heart up to the healing that was needed...and I just started sobbing as I began my sharing. I had been on auto-pilot for about a week, processing my feelings on a limited level. I had allowed myself to cry and talked about my feelings, so I knew what was going on.  But, I kept pushing on because I had so much to do. I hadn't really stopped to feel some of the stuff I was going through or getting ready to face.  And my Higher Power put me in that room to stop me - to give me what I needed. 

I shared with my home group what was going on, and how grateful I was to be at that meeting.  One of the guys came up to me afterwards and hugged me and said "You know, CT...the best part is you don't have to drink or drug." And he is right. It was such a healthy place to be. It's a relief to be able to be real, to cry, to feel and yet...to be able to put my head on the pillow at night having made it through another day sober, without drinking or drugging...by the grace of God. 

If life there are no coinkidinks...just an abundance of miracles.

Day 100 - In these rooms we will find each other...

It's been an amazing couple of weeks.  I'm sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone "in the rooms" who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment...basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I've found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It's a pretty powerful experience for me to see that "from the other side." 


Connection #1: One friend is...I'll be honest...right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of "I" and "control" and "for now."  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I've been there, but he doesn't understand it yet. But, I listened...I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations...I didn't judge...I didn't lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or "scared me" into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won't make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...and make differenct choices.


Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem -- life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long...this time.  I've been there.  I've tried to stop myself.  We've all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can't.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can't relapse if you've never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas - physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn't prescribe how one works a program of recovery -- self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging...it's not a relapse.

Of course, it's not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery - and that's my program...not someone else's.  I'm just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny - I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, "how did you know?"  I replied, "because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight - you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I've learned since that night in December is I can't do this. I tried - I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It's not because of my will power or my strength.  And it's not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery."

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...he's looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices...


Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take...but told myself No, impossible...couldn't be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope...because the man sitting next to me...the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life...was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him...$400 worth...over twice my normal amount...was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy - apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes...and smiling...and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering...I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude -- all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer...he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking...it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable...could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I'm at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was...and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I'm just so thankful. We've all earned our right to be in these rooms.



I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I'm still a newcomer.  I'm still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It's like I've said - I'm learning my ABC's and 123's all over again.  There are still days where I'm blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I'm so thankful that I'm able to be there and see other people -- not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction -- who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won't...some are there, some aren't quite there...  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I'm thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me...

Day 99 - Is it live or is it Memorex?

Ok - having just dated myself back to cassette tapes and recorders with my tag line...

I had a using dream last night...the first in a long time. And, I believe this was the first that was so real that I woke up thinking it was real!  In my dream, I told myself "come on...you've got over 90 days...do you really want to blow this?"  And I did - I took some crystal meth and relapsed.  Then I woke up and was scared.  For mere seconds, I was confused enough to think it had all happened.  I had been told this could happen - but don't believe I've experienced it this strongly.  Fortunately, it was not live...it was Memorex!

So then the question behind the question... Why?  Like a good engineering or quality root cause analysis, you ask 5 times...why? why? why? why? why?  Well, simply put -- I'm under a lot of stress and change.  I just applied for the first 3 jobs since being unemployed.  I'm within a day of putting my home on the market, which marks another loss and change in my life.  I am unemployed.  My court date for April was pushed out a month.  I leave in 2 days for my sister's in PA to visit my nephews and niece who were out of my life for 2 years because I chose to drug over being with family.  And some other events I'll be writing about there shortly from the rooms.  Any one of these would have been more than enough reason to use in the past - to escape, to numb.  And though I'm still clean and sober, my body is used to that "routine" - used to the "usual path" - and since the physical reality didn't follow, my disease decided to throw in a little mental reality just for fun.  That's what it does -- f*&ks with my mind.  And it works!

But thankfully, just for today - I don't have to use or drink to get through life.  I can lose a job, a house, a relationship, go to jail and have my car need $700 in repairs...and do it all on life's terms.  I heard recently..."we can walk over boulders but stub our toe on the pebbles."  Sometimes it's the little things in life that demand the most vigilance - turning them over to my Higher Power - Letting Go and Letting God. So, yes, even heading down I-70 the WRONG direction (even with my GPS on) could have sent me over the edge...but it doesn't.  Just for today...

My pillow awaits...by the grace of God, I made it through this day.  What a miracle of life.

Day 90 - Pregnant, PAWS or life?

These last days have felt like being on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm joyous and full of life, the next I'm anxious and paralyzed; I get easily irritated around other people and feel lonely when I'm by myself; I'm optimistic and glad for the changes in my life, then I get angry, sad and scared. I've become obsessed with certain matters needing resolution, and have blissfully ignored others...arguably more urgent and of higher priority.  What's going ON!?!  I feel like I'm either pregnant, experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome), or life.  Since medically speaking I'm unable to get pregnant - being a man ;) - my guess is a combination of PAWS and life.

I've been told there's a reason they give 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month, year and 18 month tokens. One often suffers from physical & mental affects of PAWS (http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm) around those intervals. So, in addition to just giving stepping stones of success along the way, they are designed to give an extra "boost" to the recovering alcoholic or addict who is likely +/- a week hitting some of the symptoms of PAWS and beginning to wonder.  I hit it at 50 days...and around 85 days :)  These past days, it feels like I've been using again!  Friday night, I was basically up all night.  I was wired - partially anxious about my legal situation - but mainly wired.  I got about 2 hours of sleep...literally.  Finally, at 3:30am, I got up and did work around the house! I've been a bit edgy, distracted as if with ADD while also laser-like in single-tasking, and emotionally charged. Hmm...let's look up side-effects of crystal meth...sounds like much the last 18 months of my life on meth!

I also think I'm experiencing some of the frustration of the "meth wall."  

Meth addicts get over the acute effects of withdrawal fairly quickly. However, the "wall" period lasts 6-8 months for casual users and 2-3 years for regular users. (Some people never recover and remain unsatisfied with life due to permanent brain damage.) This is a period of prolonged abstinence during which the brain recovers from the changes resulting from meth use. During this period, recovering addicts feel depressed, fuzzyheaded, and think life isn't as pleasurable without the drug. 

Although life is pleasurable and I'm feeling things once again, the depression and fuzzyheaded-ness is playing tricks with my mind.


Of course, then there's life.  I have said I want to experience life on life's terms...not on the terms of a meth addict! And I do mean that!  But with that comes - ups and downs; people, places and things that frustrate me; feelings and emotions. All that sh*& I escaped from...the loss, the grieving, the frustration, the emptiness.  It's all here - in living colour - in hi-definition - in surround sound!  And sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming!  But, I know it's better than the alternative...so I pray for serenity -- look for the good -- and turn things over to my Higher Power.  It's sometimes harder said than done because it's a new habit...I forget...I get caught up in old ways of thinking. But, when I do remember...or get reminded by those around me in recovery...it gets better.


The other thing I'm realizing is that for the past 90 days (!), I've largely lived in an either a sheltered world of recovery (in- and out-patient; twelve step meetings) or an isolated world at home, away from people and "life."  Since I've lost my job, the extremes have compounded.  For the most part, I'm either in recovery meetings or at home...with some volunteering at church.  When I have been social, it's been 1:1 with people I love, who care for me and who listen & share. Frankly, it's been somewhat self-centered; to a certain extent, it has probably needed to be that way.  I'm learning to live & think differently - to wear a new pair of glasses, as the book goes.  So, to a certain extent, it's been 90 days "about me."  And that's ok.  But now, I'm trying to expand that circle & return to reality -- to go out with folks before/after meetings; to forge new friendships & get to know people; to face some pretty tough legal and employment challenges. And, that puts me "back in real life" -- where it's not all about me, where there are people who are bitter & angry as well as peaceful & joy-filled.  And simply put - I'm not used to that!  For the past 90 days of recovery - and the prior 2+ years of heaving using...it's either been about me, or I've numbed myself from reality! 


So, I just put that out there for me to remember looking back.  I'm where I need to be... It's ok to be human and make mistakes... I don't have to get along with everyone... and life does have challenges which I can face with the grace & strength of my HP, through which I will grow stronger and survive -- and be far better off on the other side. 

For that, I'm grateful.  

For now, I must slow down, breathe and give myself a break...


Good night.  Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!  By the grace of god...

Day 87 - 30 day misery back guarantee!

I opened yesterday's mail this morning.  Note to self - DON'T do that again before morning meditation and prayers...and coffee!

I received all of the paperwork from my separation.  COBRA decisions...life insurance...401K rollover.  The blessing is I have the ability to make these choices.  But, it's still overwhelming.  How do families with kids do this?  My company recently started their ~30% workforce reduction cuts -- I was told of at least two married couples with kids who were both let go.  Without a salary, how do they even face the morning like I do?  All these decisions to make - such little time - and no income.  It could be paralyzing.  Some days it is - I didn't get out of bed on Monday.  (Note the gap in journal entries!)  But, if I just focus on staying clean and sober for today...and do the next right thing, face the next decision, and pray for peace...I can make it.  God didn't bring me THIS far to abandon me!

I'm reminding of a phrase from my treatment time and early days of sobriety (not THAT long ago!)  "If you're not completely satisfied and convinced that recovery can work - we will gladly refund your misery."  Yep, it's the 30-day misery back guarantee.  At any point, I can choose to go back to the using - the drinking - the escape - the numbness.  And at any point, I know what that will bring...isolation, depression, misery, despair.  Every morning, part of my prayers includes acknowledging that I am powerless over my addiction.  For a couple of seconds, I allow myself to think back to December 21, 2009 and remember my bottom.  Is that what I want to return to?  Really?

Thankfully, no.  Despite the overwhelming feelings at times -- the tough choices -- the feelings of anger and betrayal that resurface on days like today -- I know that each and every day of sobriety I've enjoyed has been far better than any day of using.  Even my WORST day in the past 87 was far more livable than my days in addiction.  And for that, I'm grateful.

I'll let that misery back guarantee expire.  There is no turning back.

Day 81 - Embracing my feelings as a human being

Today, I met with my realtor about putting the house on the market.  I also talked through my financial situation with an accountability partner - sizing up the reality that is facing me.  I got through everything fine.  Oh wait - what does FINE stand for?  Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.  Or something like that...  I wasn't that bad!  It's just that fine is about as descriptive as interesting, or good or nice.

This evening, I had plans to go to a meeting.  But after cooking dinner and singing/dancing to some fun music, I laid down on the bed to rest.  My mind started wandering...and soon I was throwing myself a small pity party. It was slowly creeping up on me.  I started to feel it...funk funk...  Next thing I know, I didn't want to get out for my planned meeting!

I text'd a brother "MS" from the program and got my fix. He reminded me that when we don't feel like going is exactly when we need to go!  For me, it's the equivalent of my insulin shot...hitting a meeting. And where I am now...getting through my changes and losses...I need it daily!!!  If I skipped an insulin shot or two as a diabetic, I could die.  If a skip a meeting or two right now, I could die.

My accountability partner caught me getting too wrapped up in making money - in having a job - in having a plan.  Until my first court date in April, there's not much point in making too many plans.  In order to become a "productive member of society" as the text tells us, I must work on my recovery.  He rightfully challenged me to stop worrying about not working.  Like many, I place too much of my identity in my work - on what I do, or how much I make.  That's changing - for the better.  I'm learning to value me for who I am - and others for who they are.  But, change is uncomfortable - unsettling - unfamiliar!  Recognize it...and work through it.  It will take time - and practice.  Now's my time to practice!  What a gift!

Not so long ago (!) I talked about recognizing the desire and need to be a human being rather than a human doing.  What does that really look like?  Well, right now - it means being grateful that for awhile, I have the means to not have to focus on getting a job.  With some savings and equity in my home, he helped me figure out about how long that could be.  That provides some relief -- some space to "be."  I need to focus on my recovery - strengthening my foundation through meetings, workshops/working the steps and hanging out with people in recovery.  On the financial side, I need to sell me house.  It's a cash flow thing...and right now, my outflow is hurting me more than my lack of inflow!  I figured out today that the savings I will realize by moving to an apartment translates to the equivalent of a job that would pay me about $15/hour for a normal work week.  So, that's my job now - and it "pays!" It slows the bleeding financially.

Nothing else matters right now than getting more sobriety under my belt and selling my house.  That gets me through the next five weeks until court.  And when I know a bit more, then I can focus on my "B game" or "C game" - to get me into a basic living situation and job that will allow me to spend the good 12-18 months it's going to take to solidify this recovery.  So, slow down, CT...stop trying to figure out, discern, listen to what's next...stay in the moment. I'm right where I need to be.  I just need to do the right next thing...and not get too far ahead of myself.  Be real and easy does it!

As for my feelings, this "chat" sums things up best...how I ended my evening after a good meeting, some time of reflection, and a walk in my old neighborhood downtown!

MS: Glad you made it to the meeting  You ok?
Me: Yea. Just sad
MS: Why u sad?
Me: Feelings just catching up with my reality. Grieving losses.
MS: Just keep positive, your head held high. This to shall pass. Everything will be ok
Me: Yea I know. My heart knows it will be. And the good news is I can feel and it's ok. I don't have to run from them or be controlled by them. So my heart knows it will be ok and I can still be sad. That's an odd combination for me, "Mr. Intellectualize and Ignore My Feelings" 
MS: U r so funny. Its good u r feeling the emotions. It's a healing process
Me: Amen.  Gonna go home and throw on loud arias and deep blues songs and have a cleansing and healthy cry

Day 78 - This Insidious disease

Last night was a little harder night.  I was going great -- on a bit of a natural high from the day and from what amazing possibilities are percolating.  I caught myself thinking..."wouldn't it be a great night to have a nice glass of wine with my dinner."  Or, needing to relax from a busy day, "wouldn't it be nice to curl up and watch TV with an ice cold beer."  I haven't had any cravings to USE - but I let myself start THINKING about DRINKING.

Instead I chose to draw a hot bath and soak, meditate.  My normal metal cup had been moved this weekend by a friend who was helping to clean house.  He put it back in the bar -- it is half of a Bacardi Rum shaker (metal cup and glass used together).  It's not a drinking trigger for me at all - it goes well with the bathroom; I use it to rinse the tub after soak baths; it looks better than a plastic cup.

The cup wasn't the problem.  I went to the bar area, which had been cleaned out of liquor already.  Except...I saw...a special bottle of aged rum.  I had left it behind wanting to give it to a friend who would appreciate it.  Or, perhaps, subconsciously, I left it behind for me.  I wonder which...

All of a sudden my head was filled with lies.  Remember, this is the only disease which wants me to believe I don't have a disease.  "Your issue never really was alcohol - it was drugs.  You're ok to have one drink."  "You don't have to give up wine or good alcohol - you've been able to control that part.  It's the crystal meth."  And the all but insane, "You had a great first day - you've gotten through being fired with amazing strength.  You deserve to celebrate with a hot bath and a nice shot of aged rum from Puerto Rico -- a gift from Carlos in Puerto Rico.  This is all worth celebrating."  No, I take that back.  It's not all but insane...it IS insane!

Nonetheless, I wasn't there at the time...I was at "all but insane" or "far from insane."  I poured the shot glass...I smelled the rum.  Familiar scents and memories -- good ones -- came flooding back.  My mind was playing insidious tricks with me.  It knew better than to hit me with drugs this time.  It went for the subtle smell of rum.

I brought the shot into the bathroom -- the tub already filling with hot water; my readings (from NA!) and meditations sitting on the edge of the tub platform.  I thought about calling my sponsor to stop this and talk myself through.  Then I looked at the shot; I could smell the rum permeating the bathroom as the steamed air began to fill up the room as well.  I started to play through how relaxing it would be -- how GOOD the rum would taste.  That was much more enjoyable than talking to someone!  I was caught up in the moment.  I was caught up in the lies of this insidious and cunning disease.

Then I thought of all I had going for me -- of all the progress I have made.  I took the shot and poured the rum down the sink.  I rinsed the sink out; moved the glass out of the bathroom; and lit a candle to burn of the smell.

I was in relapse again.  I didn't drink or use -- but next time, I may not find the strength to stop it.  I used some of my tools - but not enough of them soon enough.  I played with this temptation WAY too long.  I didn't cut it off a the root..I fed it with nutrients...I let it pop its head up through the gentle, warm soil...I allowed time for the sun's rays to beat down on it to give it life.  I nurtured it and encouraged it just enough to find a budding plant.  And then, only then, did I rip it out and kill it.

That's NOT what our Lenten series at church means when we ask ourselves, "What are you growing for Lent?"

The bottle still needs to be out of the house.  And I realize now that the 3-4 bottles of red wine I'm storing to "give to a friend" must also go.  Today.  I win this battle one day at a time -- I must fight this battle one day at a time.  Not tomorrow -- not "when I feel ready" -- not eventually -- TODAY.

Yes, one is a bottle given to me for my 30th birthday party in England.  It's been from the UK, to NC, to Puerto Rico, to here.  I've been saving it for a special occasion -- it's one to keep for 10+ years.  So now would be about right.  But, I've also been to hell and back since then -- seen the bottom of my addiction -- faced the choice of life or death.  By the grace of God, I chose life.  With that same grace, I must be realistic and pull out all of the stops with the same fervor, joy and determination that I have had about my recovery in the past days.  I must "ride the wave" and keep on the path.

I wrote a good-bye letter to Crystal Meth during inpatient.  Sounds like I need to write the same for fine wine and spirits...

Watch this space for said letter...

Day 75 - Another step in my journey

A letter to friends...


Let me start this update by saying I continue to be grateful beyond belief for the many blessings in my life today -- on my road of recovery. For those who may not be aware, I went into treatment on December 21, 2009 for drug addiction.  Over two months later, I'm doing well in my recovery. I was in rehab for a month of inpatient and partial hospitalization. I returned to work on January 20th with a new lease on life. I completed six weeks of evening outpatient therapy on Monday of last week and will continue a life long road of recovery.

For those of you who have seen my "Step One Video," you have seen how God was watching over me in the past years. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared me for being where I am today -- for learning to "fall in love again" with myself, for who I am, and for who I am becoming. I am reconnecting with close friends and family with whom I've grown distance because of my active addiction. I'm rediscovering who I am is -- not what I do. I'm not defined by what I do.  I'm a human being - not a "human doing."  Quite simply, I've been reminded I'm a child of a loving God, here to find and leverage the abundance of life to the best of my abilities. I've been blessed with gifts that I have squandered and underutilized -- but now I see the possibilities through conversations and in community. For that I am truly grateful. Full stop, no reservations.

Ten days ago on a Friday at 4pm, as expected, I was informed by the local police that a warrant for my arrest had been issued. [The charges relate to a search of my house in December after coming close to committing suicide via a drug overdose, followed by a call to 911 -- the event that led to my treatment and recovery.]  Although I was glad the police were courteous and notified me of the warrant, I had a rough weekend nonetheless.  I found myself running from my feelings and falling into old routines to numb myself. By the grace of God, I didn't use drugs or drink -- but I was in relapse. Spiritually and mentally, I relapsed -- this is as much a spiritual and mental disease as it is a physical disease. I didn't use the tools I've learned in recovery to short circuit the cycle soon enough to maintain a healthy, balanced outlook. Thankfully, God didn't abandon me - nor will He. My devotional reading that morning was about anxiety..."God didn't bring you this far into recovery to abandon you."  Lesson learned.

I was encouraged to turn myself in. Three days later, on Monday March 1, I did so. I had things arranged with my lawyer and a friend.  With gratitude for the speed and simplicity, I was released after being in jail for 4 hours. The judge set an extremely low bail given my charges because I had turned myself in.  "If you were going to run, you would have already done it by now," said he. The only other funny part (well there were lots of little tidbits) -- I was actually walked over from the jail to the courthouse for the hearing...outside about a block and half!  Had any of my friends been there, I could update my facebook photo with me wearing my little orange jail outfit and handcuffs!   But, alas -- better to have a good memory than a bad picture!  Or in this case -- a bad memory instead of a good picture ;)

My next court appearance is in May. With my charges, there are provisions for this being my first offense to have some of that reduced and serve just probation. But, let's not get ahead of things. It is what it is...I'm at peace...and God's hand continues to be in my life. For that I'm very thankful. I knew at the time that my actions warrant whatever comes -- it's only by the grace of God that I'll see less than what's due. I'll continue to leave things in His hands and focus my mind and energy on my recovery and helping others.

On Friday March 5th, following my employer's policy on Substance Abuse, I informed my management and HR of my arrest and the nature of the charges. At 4:30pm that afternoon, after a 19+ year career, I was terminated for violation of that policy because of my arrest. The reason I was given -- working for a pharmaceutical company, substance abuse is taken very seriously as it could jeopardize the firm's reputation. The firm never states in writing there is zero tolerance -- but essentially, that's what I learned. I understand their decision. I don't agree with the steps they took - but I understand the decision. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions which led to these consequences. I wish things had turned out otherwise -- that other factors would have been taken into consideration relating to my treatment. I've been honest with my management and HR since I returned to work on Jan 20th about the possibilities of legal action.  I am sad that they lacked the integrity to be equally honest with me about what actions would result should I be arrested. I'm disappointed... angry... and feel betrayed by a company to which I gave many years of faithful and dedicated service. My feelings are all healthy and expected reactions. But for my health, I must work through them -- to feel and process them in due time but not hold onto grudges or resentments. Resentment is at the heart of a relapse -- at the heart of much addictive behavior -- and that I can not afford.  

Step 1 teaches me to admit that I'm powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. In admitting powerlessness, I must eventually come to the point where I surrender my will and my life to my Higher Power who can and will restore me to sanity. On Friday, I finally understood this on a deeper level and "worked" that first step even harder.

I surrender...

I know my Higher Power will take care of me, as He has demonstrated so clearly over the past months. I have amazing peace amidst this loss because I now more fully understand Step 1.  It is through surrendering I find peace. It is through maintaining peace and a connection with my Higher Power, the recovery community and my feelings that I will stay clean and sober...just for today.

I'm grateful for the work that God is doing in my life. I can not ignore my part in these events -- my behaviors and choices are at the root of my situation and I'm simply grateful to be where I am today...alive and in recovery. This past weekend, unlike the relapse I had a week ago, I found the strength and courage to use the tools I've learned in treatment to get me through each day thus far without a relapse. I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who support and love me in spite of my humanness. I am grateful for the miracle of life -- because today, my being alive is a precious gift that I no longer take for granted. He is doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.

I know who's in control -- as long as I stop hopping in the driver's seat, I'll be just fine ;)  I can honestly see this already as a blessing.  The timing and circumstances are unfortunate -- but from this I will learn much which will only make me stronger.  I will spend some time figuring out what is in store for me in this next chapter of life.  I pray simply to know God's will for my life and the strength to carry it out.