Day 146 - Addiction doesn't discriminate...it's a shame we do ;)

I was meeting some friends today to go to an event.  Due to heavy traffic and event parking limitations, we agreed to meet somewhere then head over in one car.  I suggested my church parking lot, on the near north side of downtown.  One of the guys didn't want to meet there as he was afraid to leave his car "in the ghetto."  So, we agreed to meet at one of the local Catholic school's parking lot's in a trendy part of town near the event.  Turns out, this was the school my friend attended as a youngster.  In the end, I parked my car and we rode in his car.  As we were leaving the area, he asked "Did you lock your car?"  When I answered yes and asked why, he told us that when he was growing up, he used to come to the lot and check for unlocked cars and steal their change.  He didn't want anything to be stolen from my car.  Hmmm...  Funny how we see in others what we are sometimes afraid to see in ourselves.

I tell this story because I've heard the same comment from other friends about attending certain self help group meetings in different neighborhoods around the city.  One guy said he didn't care for a certain meeting room because it was "in the ghetto."  His comment has always stuck with me simply because of my life experience with respect to diversity.  Funny thing - I learned early on in recovery, as I sat in a treatment center with men & women who were from various ethnic backgrounds, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc...we all had the same story.  We all had our bottom.  We all fell victim to the same disease.  It didn't matter if I was homeless, or a chief executive...a housewife or an auto mechanic.  This disease is the great equalizer.  And, if I look for the differences instead of the similarities, I run the risk of missing the gift of someone's experience, strength and hope.  And it is that gift, along with the grace and love of my Higher Power, that helps keep me clean and sober...and one day may literally save my life.

Tonight, I went to a self-help meeting "in the ghetto."  I was the only white man in the room, and one of only a handful of white people out of the 30+ in the room.  I may also have been the only gay man.  There was one woman in a wheelchair.  The youngest was probably in his early 20's...the oldest was in her late 60's.  Bottom line, there was diversity.  And yet as we went around the room and shared, there was nothing different in the stories than I would have heard in one of my more regular meetings where I'm less of a minority.  And I connected with something that each person had to share -- heard a couple insights that gave me a different way of approaching a couple areas in my life -- and left feeling just as energized, peaceful and inspired as I have almost every meeting.  There is no better than or worse than -- we truly are equal.  Even outside of addiction, we are all blessed children of a loving God / Higher Power, however we are able to see and understand Him/Her.  And to put labels and hierarchy is such a shame...such a missed opportunity.

I pray that my Higher Power continues to grace me with eyes to see and ears to hear...and where I fall short, the willingness to admit my faults and forgive myself.  In doing so, I'm in a better position to love others and see their brokenness as the same, no better or worse than mine.

Day 144 - Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through

They say that my stinking thinking got me here...that if I really was "all that" and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness -- to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong - to be in control - to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this...TWICE!  I particularly like the one book's way of framing things.

"Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources."

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference - the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said "You may discover that your greatest 'flaw' is in fact your greatest asset."

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story - to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can't keep it if I don't give it away, they say.  I don't know where this journey will take me -- I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest...and let my Higher Power be in control.  It's in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 94 - E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego

I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things "percolate" for a couple days and I start to understand what I'm to learn.  Here goes...

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).


As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble...exposure. 


This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice.  That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble...my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...

Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow.  And isn't that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.

Day 93 - ETOH, self-help groups and other secrets...

I was driving through town today and noticed a church sign that listed an Al-Anon meeting during the week. I remember thinking to myself, "I wonder if they have NA or AA meetings. Is there a reason why they choose not to list those?" I understand the power of anonymity -- the underpinning of self-help groups.  So by all means, I'm not challenging the need.  But, I've been recently pondering how far we've come in understanding and accepting alcoholism in society, particularly since the founding of AA. However in many ways, it's still the white elephant in the room. I recently heard of a funeral where the family wanted no mention of the deceased's alcoholism, from which he ultimately died even though he was in recovery and sober. Again, I fully respect the family's choice and am in no means discounting their wishes. However had it been cancer or diabetes or a host of other medical conditions, it would likely not have been an issue to mention. In fact, one's battle with cancer is often seen as a source of inspiration given the great courage and selflessness often seen in cancer patients. Why are we not able to equally celebrate the personal courage and spiritual healing seen in the lives of alcoholics and addicts, whether in life or death? There is still much shame associated with the disease of addiction.  Though we've come a long way, there is still much ignorance (lack of knowledge) about it.


As a gay man, I know that ignorance breeds fear and fear can lead to death. Likewise, ignorance of addiction can literally lead to death -- poor choices and lack of support for the suffering addict. The need for education about how to better understand, detect and support addicts seeking recovery is reflected in my story -- a "closet meth user." With one exception, all of my close friend, family and work colleagues were SHOCKED when I "came out of the meth closet."  I didn't fit their stereotype of a meth user. And clearly, my employer lacks knowledge of this disease given their choice of action, in my humble opinion. I'm still blessed with the path I'm on and have no regrets - I'm where I need to be. But that doesn't take away my disappointment and frustration with their lack of institutional knowledge on the subject. As a leader in the pharmaceutical industry for cancer, diabetes, mental illness, etc., they seek better health outcomes for their patients. Yet they lack a basic understanding of how to provide critical education & awareness to enable better health outcomes for their employees who may struggle with alcoholism or drug addiction.


We've come so far, yet have so far to go...


I learned of another example today while surfing the web for information and sites around addiction. I learned of a term ETOH at http://www.addict-help.com/etoh.asp. 

"ETOH has other applications as well. For example, some hospitals, med technicians and medical facilities. It would seem to have been developed as a way of disguising the word alcohol to keep the fact that a person had been drinking from being disclosed." 

Given the possible side effects of alcohol withdrawal, this knowledge can prove critical to a patient's treatment. So, it's relevant information for medical staff to have. This strikes me as another situation where the societal stigma still associated with alcoholism and addiction might be playing out. It's the white elephant - we aren't supposed to bring it up, or talk about it. And yet, undiagnosed - or unaware - it can kill.  Again, I understand the need for the hospital to take such precautions and respect a patient's privacy. But again - if they had diabetes or hemophilia - an individual or family wouldn't hesitate to share that in hospital. But, being severely intoxicated and possibly suffering from the disease of alcoholism can't be discussed. 

Has anyone seen a white elephant in the room?  

If so, please notify the nurses' station immediately.

I know this doesn't directly relate to my recovery -- but it seems like the societal stigma and associated shame individuals have about addiction can have an impact if it leads to lack of awareness or intervention. If it prolongs someone from asking for help or sparks actions which create more risk to one's recovery, then it becomes very relevant. If better patient outcomes really is the goal of the US healthcare system, then we must face the social aspects of the disease as well as the treatment needs of the afflicted.


But, easy does it...for now, my focus must be on recovery not social revolution ;)