Day 117 - One of these days, I'm gonna get burned...

I've written before about feelings.  For so much of my life, even before my active addiction, I haven't done well at understanding, sensing and managing my feelings.  Throw in years of addiction where I used alcohol and drugs to run away and numb myself, and I know that one of my biggest growth areas is to learn how to experience what's going on, name the feelings, and process them so they don't bite me in the ass!  And it's more deadly than that...before they catch me off guard and I relapse.  Or, if I stay in my head too long and don't either talk with another person in recovery or get out of my head, then I'll end up in the same place...relapse.  Play with fire, and you get burned.  One of these days, if I'm not more vigilant and use the tools I've learned, I'll get burned.  This ain't Boy Scout Camp -- this is real shit.  People go out, and most don't come back.  People die.  It's that simple.

I now realize that this week, I had several conversations or interactions that brought shit up from the past.  The specifics aren't that relevant.  The point is I held onto them - even subconsciously.  I didn't take time after things came up and pray, turning them over to my Higher Power.  So the simmering anger grew... resentment started to build.  I took my eye off what I could control - what I'm responsible for - and started taking other people's inventory.  I dwelt too long in the past or worried about the future.

Recovery 101.  Don't.

Live in the present.  Talk to people in recovery or my sponsor on a daily basis about what's going on - even the little stuff...cause it's the little shit that catches me off guard.  The job losses, deaths, etc. I realize I can handle. But throw in a couple hidden resentments, let them fester for awhile, mix 'em up with a little hunger or loneliness...recipe for relapse.  Straight from Betty Crocker.

And I came damn close last night.

And then, I went into auto-pilot today, working in the yard.  I processed some of the shit that was surfacing while I weeded...stayed in my head...and surprise, 8 hours later, on the way home from a meeting talking to my sponsor, I fell apart.  I was in tears, angry at him and the world, overwhelmed just for a moment with where I was, angry at myself and the past, for what had happened.  I was a mess.

I realize now I had cut off contact with my Higher Power.  I let my head - my rationalization - my control of the replay / jog dial on the recorder of my life - mess with my mind and get in the way of letting go.  Simple put, my ego got in the way.  CT tried to take control and play out how things coulda / shoulda happened.  And look where it got me!

Fortunately, my sponsor has been there...is patient...let me vent...then gently put me back in my place.  He reminded me of perspective - the bigger picture.  He reminded me to stay in today, to turn things over.  To let go.

Pretty simple.

And I got back where I needed to be.  A little more humble.  Just for today.



It was 24 hours from when I almost stumbled and went out playing with fire to when I finally processed all this with another person in recovery.  That's about 23 hours and 59 minutes too long.

This time, I made it through.  But next I may not.

This is real.

Play with fire, you die.

It's that simple.



Now, easy does it...progress, not perfection...lay my head down and be thankful for what I've got.

Day 115 - Regaining my voice with NVC

In recovery, I've learned that drinking and using weren't my problems...they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper - more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my "voice" for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community...I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn't work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.


When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify.  So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT.  Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be!  Funny...that exact line is from my "step one" video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my "day zero" -- the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment.  Susan Boyle's debut album had a song titled "Who I was born to be."  In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string...the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
              And though I may not
              Know the answers
              I can finally say I am free
              And if the questions
              Led me here, then
              I am who I was born to be

              And so here am I
              Open arms and ready to stand
              I've got the world in my hands
              And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication.  It's a way of connecting with one's self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one's needs as well as seeking to understand others' needs (stated or unstated), there's a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice.  It takes conscious work - and much like I'm learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it's a lot easier to live in that "space" of compassionate communication.

I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight.  Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I'm able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received.  By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!  

The first situation was at dinner.  Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation.  I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table.  I didn't yell at them. I didn't pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate.  Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone's needs have equal value -- through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone's needs can be met.  So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment.  Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.   

Did I do it perfectly?  No.  Was it perfectly well received?  Not necessarily.  The individual got a little defensive, and didn't seem very happy.  Next time, I'd probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected.  But, this isn't about perfection...it's about progress.  So, I was glad I "got my voice" and spoke up.

The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week.  The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting.  They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me.  They were whispering in my ear.  I politely tried to ignore them without being rude.  I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.  

They started off the exchange saying "sorry to distract you at the meeting."  But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added "but I think you like it."  So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior.   I simply asked, "During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority.  I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy.  Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?"  Not a demand, a request.  Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily.  But he was understanding and agreed to stop.  He apologized and said he didn't want me to think poorly of him.  Again, I hadn't judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz.  So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: "I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better.  But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it."  

It's usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this...it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation!  But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I'll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I'm looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I'll become in my recovery and confidence.  One day at a time...easy does it!  But, progress feels good!

Day 110 - The Power of a Question

I was talking to a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation.  At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right!  There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way.  I might have been spared some pain.

But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion!  I never asked for help.  I never sought counsel.  And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice.  They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place.  If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat?  And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing.  Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!

So why am I putting this on them?!?  It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability!  What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice.  That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives.  It's still up to me to make choices and take action.  But it helps me with different points of view.  It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability.  I know I didn't "put those vibes off."  If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!

It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives.  They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?

Day 102 - Finding my "first high" again...

The night I arrived at my sister's for this recent trip, she had two tickets to see STOMP for me and my 14 year nephew.  At one point, I didn't think I'd make the performance.  I was going to delay my trip by a day to finish some things up at home. But when I heard how excited my nephew was...how he kept asking "Mom, is Uncle CT gonna make it for STOMP!" I knew there wasn't any last minute details at home what could warrant a delay and missing this!

I got into the auditorium and we had great seats - I was dead center in row D and he was a couple rows back in F. To paint the picture - the hall is packed, the show starts...and it's 110 minutes of non-stop percussion, rhythm, music, lights, sounds, energy.  It's electrifying!  As I told my nephew afterwards "Did you realize that not once the entire evening did anyone on stage utter a single word? And yet, through their gestures, their looks, their motions, their sounds, their energy - you knew exactly what story they were telling. You knew the context of what was going on and the message to take away from each of their vignettes."  It was so POWERFUL!

I was sitting in the hall absorbing all of this.  My body was on fire!  My senses were on overload!  I kid you not - I was laughing so hard, genuinely laughing, at the stories, the humor, the innuendoes.  I caught myself every once in awhile because at points, I'm the only one laughing - or I'm laughing the longest.  And I'm not even self-conscious about it wondering what people might think - my ego is completely out of the way.  I was just enjoying my a*$ off!  I am enjoying the show, enjoying life, enjoying all of the senses.  And all of a sudden, it just overwhelms me.  I was taking it all in, and it was like I stepped away from my body and was watching this.  I could just see myself enjoying without limitations.  And I wasn't high. This wasn't fabricated.  It wasn't a mask.  It was deep and genuine.


I remember when I first started using - it was with ecstasy (X).  X would heighten all of your sensations. The reason I loved X was I was finally able to FEEL - to really (what I thought was real!) FEEL!  All the lights were brighter, the music was richer, the touching was more sensual.  It was overpowering.

As I watched and felt STOMP, I realized -- THAT was the "first high" I was always chasing.

Since I've been in recovery, addicts say we are always chasing that first high.  And I kept relating that to my days of using cocaine or meth -- and the concept of "chasing that first high" never made sense to me.    While coke and meth were good, I wasn't "chasing them..."

Now I understand - they weren't my first high!

My first high was X - that sensation, those experiences, those feelings!  


I realized that night watching STOMP - SHIT!

I found that first high!

And I found it drug-free!  And I found it in my own senses!  I don't have to be fucked up to enjoy life...to feel.  And right there in the hall, I started crying...tears streaming down my face.  It's not sadness, not loss, not grief.  It is joy, it is peace...and it's gratitude.


I can also remember with meth that you hit this wall 'round about 45-60 days...or 4-6 months, I'll have to go check ;).  But because meth fucks around with your senses and dopamine receptors so much, you fry them all...and without them, your highs aren't as high and your lows aren't as low...you kinda don't feel.  Life is bland.  You "can't enjoy life."  And used to "feeling good" on meth, that can suck...can get depressing...hence, the wall.  I kept dreading when or if I would hit the wall.

That was my other excitement from the night!  I don't know if there are higher joys to come but WOW -  I was on fire!  I was bursting out of my skin!  It was amazing.  I cried for joy for about 10-15 minutes...watching the show...through teary-eyed lenses ;)  And life was good.  I started laughing...I didn't care who thought what.  I was at peace.  And it was like the entire stage, the whole performance, every individual in that troupe was performing for me...was giving me a gift...a gift I would probably never experience again.  Like chasing that first high...I had reconnected.  I had found my feelings.  I had found the ability to experience life.

And the beauty of this high -- I probably will experience things like it again.  It's real - it's not artificial.  I can experience both the little things in life -- the butterflies, the birds chirping, the warm Spring air -- as well as the overdramatic experiences and performances like STOMP!


And, then to think that I was here with my nephew.  These were the kids I took myself away from.  You know...talk about egocentric, self-centered.  I took away their Uncle CT...but here I was back, enjoying them...being with them.

For all of this, I am truly grateful.

All that for $52 and a service fee of $12.

Priceless ;)

Day 94 - E-Diaries, Exposure & Ego

I gained some pretty deep insight today. My recent blog on the stigma of addiction and some current events in my own life got me thinking and meditating.  Usually things "percolate" for a couple days and I start to understand what I'm to learn.  Here goes...

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be totally anonymous -- no name, no connections, no sending this to friends, no links. My initial reasoning was to keep this focused on recovery & telling stories, not me and my ego.  First pebble...e-diaries (blogging).


As things evolved, I shared this with a couple close friends in recovery...and then briefly put a link on my Facebook.  So much for anonymity.  Why?  Part of this journey is about re-discovering myself. Yes, it's a journal to look back on and a way to share stories. But in writing, like in verbalizing thoughts, ideas become real. I get to "try them on for size" -- shape them, reflect and connect. I find it to be a helpful part of my spiritual journey. As ideas take shape, I believe my Higher Power uses the words on paper or shared in conversation to breath life into my recovery and give me the guidance I seek. In one sense, it's like action -- writing, speaking, acting validates (or invalidates) thoughts & ideas and creates reality.

As part of that discovery process, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creative person who is able to sometimes connect ideas in such a way that they resonate with others. My elementary school teacher and I recently reconnected on Facebook and he shared memories of my time in 5th and 6th grade:

I can clearly see how you let your imagination flow in some of your creative writing. In fact, when I moved to the Education Centre as a consultant, I used a sample of your writing to model the writing process, especially the freewriting stage when you let your imagination and words flow freely to paper. 

With that discovery and acceptance, I felt more comfortable sharing my blog with others.  Second pebble...exposure. 


This past week, I made some real headway in certain aspects of my addiction and recovery. The topic I wanted to write about was cross-addiction. For the first time in 90 days, I've broken through a wall of shame, compulsion and loneliness that was very freeing. But, as I got ready to write about this - I started to wonder about what people would think. It turns out (surprise!), the anonymity in the beginning was also providing me a "shield" -- or more like the lack of a shield -- the absence of a mask!  Like much of my life and relationships, I've always felt more comfortable being direct / honest with strangers; always been better at giving constructive feedback or sharing anger with people I don't know. But for those I know and/or love, I worry about how that might impact our relationship or what they might think of me.  So, I sometimes hold back...I find the right mask to wear...I lose some of my genuineness. In doing so, I lose who I am...I lose my voice.  That's a slipper slope for me as that's where I was when I "hit bottom." Those normal ways of interacting started to come back into play.  I started to edit my thoughts and was afraid to even get into much detail about my breakthrough.  Third pebble...my ego. 




NOW I understand this book I'm reading on a more personal level. It makes sense. Ego gets in the way of our connection, our relationships with our Higher Power and with other people. I don't believe I'm being cocky or arrogant -- the "egotistical" stereotype in my head. But, the minute my "self" gets in the way of connecting with others, I'm just as ego-centric as that guy!  Self-centered.  Doesn't mean I'm "all about me" and not mindful of others, caring or sensitive.  It just means I'm at the center...my ego is driving my actions - in this case, I'm holding back, afraid of...

Case in point - what started as a genuine desire out of gratitude and humility to share my writing -- as well as a self-interest in the discovery process as described above -- is now stifled, cut off, masked by my ego...my concern for what others think. I'm losing the benefit I was seeking from the blogs, and am falling back into old patterns of wearing masks and being less than "real" with people I love and who love me. Stinking thinking...old patterns...not the change I'm seeking in my recovery.  Not the self I want to discover...shape...grow.  And isn't that the whole point of this?

Now the waves start...the pebbles form a pattern, a rhythm. I get it.

God help me ride the wave and grow in ability to stay in conscious contact with You and others by moving me out of the way. Help me to tear away the masks and in doing so also stay humble...simply remaining open to the possibility, open to the wave, open to being a channel of your peace and love...then stepping away from the center and leaving the outcome to you.