Revisiting my formula...

Yesterday I was with some friends in recovery, hanging out after the long holiday weekend. Somehow the conversation got onto engineering and math geeks and I mentioned I had come up with a personal formula for recovery when I was in treatment.  (Earlier post with my initial formula)

I showed it to one of my fellow geeks and after looking at it, she blurted out "but you're missing one thing -- other people."


I about fell on the floor.

Of course.

She was SO right.

And this isn't about being right or wrong...it was just an amazingly quick but insightful observation that spoke volumes to me...it cut right to the heart of what I've been experiencing lately...or missing lately.

As I look back, I still have a tendency to keep my distance from others, carefully guarding my inner struggles with a mask of "fine" or "ok."  When I do get into a tough situation, my natural pattern is to isolate and try to get through it on my own.  These are the patterns that have helped me survive thus far in life (on one level...), so it's natural I fall back on them.  But, I know from my own experience thus far and from what others tell me -- that approach won't work going forward. This is a "me" program that we do together.  I need the experience, strength, and hope of others around me.

I also realize that when I do hang out with others, I am not investing as much time and energy into getting to know them as I could.  The power of a question...asking about their experience.  Or just simply sharing about life.  Or doing things together.  It's been so long since I've built healthy friendships, I am not used to going beyond the initial surface...moving beyond the shallow but necessary "where are you from? etc." crap that can lead to a deeper friendship.  It's hard to just let go, experience, share and be. As one person reminded me, "come early and leave late...hang around the rooms."  I do that on one level...but I need to spend that time interacting and getting to know people.   Connecting...

But, I'm open and willing...they tell me that's what I need to grow and (re)discovery who I am.

So just for today, I will seek out others.  I'll revisit my formula and acknowledge that it IS missing one thing...the other people in my recovery.

Day 146 - Addiction doesn't discriminate...it's a shame we do ;)

I was meeting some friends today to go to an event.  Due to heavy traffic and event parking limitations, we agreed to meet somewhere then head over in one car.  I suggested my church parking lot, on the near north side of downtown.  One of the guys didn't want to meet there as he was afraid to leave his car "in the ghetto."  So, we agreed to meet at one of the local Catholic school's parking lot's in a trendy part of town near the event.  Turns out, this was the school my friend attended as a youngster.  In the end, I parked my car and we rode in his car.  As we were leaving the area, he asked "Did you lock your car?"  When I answered yes and asked why, he told us that when he was growing up, he used to come to the lot and check for unlocked cars and steal their change.  He didn't want anything to be stolen from my car.  Hmmm...  Funny how we see in others what we are sometimes afraid to see in ourselves.

I tell this story because I've heard the same comment from other friends about attending certain self help group meetings in different neighborhoods around the city.  One guy said he didn't care for a certain meeting room because it was "in the ghetto."  His comment has always stuck with me simply because of my life experience with respect to diversity.  Funny thing - I learned early on in recovery, as I sat in a treatment center with men & women who were from various ethnic backgrounds, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc...we all had the same story.  We all had our bottom.  We all fell victim to the same disease.  It didn't matter if I was homeless, or a chief executive...a housewife or an auto mechanic.  This disease is the great equalizer.  And, if I look for the differences instead of the similarities, I run the risk of missing the gift of someone's experience, strength and hope.  And it is that gift, along with the grace and love of my Higher Power, that helps keep me clean and sober...and one day may literally save my life.

Tonight, I went to a self-help meeting "in the ghetto."  I was the only white man in the room, and one of only a handful of white people out of the 30+ in the room.  I may also have been the only gay man.  There was one woman in a wheelchair.  The youngest was probably in his early 20's...the oldest was in her late 60's.  Bottom line, there was diversity.  And yet as we went around the room and shared, there was nothing different in the stories than I would have heard in one of my more regular meetings where I'm less of a minority.  And I connected with something that each person had to share -- heard a couple insights that gave me a different way of approaching a couple areas in my life -- and left feeling just as energized, peaceful and inspired as I have almost every meeting.  There is no better than or worse than -- we truly are equal.  Even outside of addiction, we are all blessed children of a loving God / Higher Power, however we are able to see and understand Him/Her.  And to put labels and hierarchy is such a shame...such a missed opportunity.

I pray that my Higher Power continues to grace me with eyes to see and ears to hear...and where I fall short, the willingness to admit my faults and forgive myself.  In doing so, I'm in a better position to love others and see their brokenness as the same, no better or worse than mine.

Day 144 - Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through

They say that my stinking thinking got me here...that if I really was "all that" and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness -- to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong - to be in control - to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this...TWICE!  I particularly like the one book's way of framing things.

"Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources."

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference - the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said "You may discover that your greatest 'flaw' is in fact your greatest asset."

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story - to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can't keep it if I don't give it away, they say.  I don't know where this journey will take me -- I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest...and let my Higher Power be in control.  It's in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance

A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn't.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  

He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment."  Self reliant - confident - in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.  

In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation.  I'll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.

Day 115 - Regaining my voice with NVC

In recovery, I've learned that drinking and using weren't my problems...they were the symptoms. The problems were deeper - more with me, my identity, my confidence. Over the past 10 years or so, I gradually lost my "voice" for a variety of reasons. In relationships, at work, as a member of community...I slowly let others speak for me, or tell me what to say or do. I did great at taking care of others, but didn't work on myself. I found it harder and harder to know my own needs, let alone seek to have them met or even respected. That took me to a very dark and lonely place.


When I hit bottom, I remember praying that I could get my voice back & regain my identify.  So, this first year or so of recovery is about rediscovering CT.  Or as my friend said last night, becoming the person I was meant to be!  Funny...that exact line is from my "step one" video I made as a gratitude gift for people involved in my "day zero" -- the night I called for help and was admitted for treatment.  Susan Boyle's debut album had a song titled "Who I was born to be."  In the weeks before I hit bottom, I held onto life sometimes by a weak string...the songs on her album, particularly that one, gave me hope.
              And though I may not
              Know the answers
              I can finally say I am free
              And if the questions
              Led me here, then
              I am who I was born to be

              And so here am I
              Open arms and ready to stand
              I've got the world in my hands
              And it feels like my turn to fly
One of my passions in recent years has been learning non-violent, or compassionate, communication.  It's a way of connecting with one's self and others through active listening. By being in better touch with one's needs as well as seeking to understand others' needs (stated or unstated), there's a better chance of effectively communicating, making requests and ultimately, experiencing greater joy in relationships. I know I want to deepen my skills in this area, including more training and practice.  It takes conscious work - and much like I'm learning around managing my ego, if I consciously work on staying in contact with others, with my higher power, with my needs and feelings, it's a lot easier to live in that "space" of compassionate communication.

I got a chance to practice NVC twice tonight.  Some of it has to do with defining boundaries, but the way I'm able to go about expressing those boundaries can be a lot more effective and well received.  By focusing on making requests, and framing the need I have behind the request in a non-judgemental way, I found success!  

The first situation was at dinner.  Someone at our table answered their cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation for several minutes, while the other three of us were trying to continue with our dinner conversation.  I simply asked the individual if they would be willing to continue their conversation away from the table.  I didn't yell at them. I didn't pass judgement or label them as rude or inconsiderate.  Part of what NVC tries to teach is that everyone's needs have equal value -- through non-violent (that which makes others defensive!) communication, we try to find ways that everyone's needs can be met.  So in this case, I assumed they had a reason or a need to have the conversation at that moment.  Wanting to respect that, I offered an alternative that would still allow them to have their conversation while respecting my need to continue mine.   

Did I do it perfectly?  No.  Was it perfectly well received?  Not necessarily.  The individual got a little defensive, and didn't seem very happy.  Next time, I'd probably loop back with them afterwards and discuss the situation to make sure they felt valued and respected.  But, this isn't about perfection...it's about progress.  So, I was glad I "got my voice" and spoke up.

The second situation was a follow-up to a meeting earlier this week.  The individual was repeatedly carrying on side conversations with me during a meeting.  They were typing things on their cell phone and showing me.  They were whispering in my ear.  I politely tried to ignore them without being rude.  I think they sense I was a bit annoyed, so they got in touch with me tonight via text.  

They started off the exchange saying "sorry to distract you at the meeting."  But, then a bit passive-aggressively, they added "but I think you like it."  So I took the opportunity to explain what my needs were and make a request for different behavior.   I simply asked, "During meetings, I am there to focus on my recovery as a priority.  I want to be able to fully listen and participate. So I would prefer to not be distracted with side conversations if they are not relevant or are lengthy.  Would you be willing to try that, understanding better why I need that during the meetings?"  Not a demand, a request.  Had he said no to the request, we would hopefully have talked more to find a way to meet both our needs satisfactorily.  But he was understanding and agreed to stop.  He apologized and said he didn't want me to think poorly of him.  Again, I hadn't judged him, called him rude or told him he was xxx yyy zzz.  So, it was a great chance to follow-up and reinforce the compassion and the connection I had for him: "I decided to say something to you because I respect you and want to get to know you better.  But this would have been a barrier had it continued, so I wanted to put it on the table so we could deal with it."  

It's usually easier for me to type/write/text stuff like this...it comes out a lot better in general without the emotional hesitation!  But the more I practice it verbally like at dinner, or even in texts!, the more I'll get comfortable with finding the balance and consciousness I'm looking for. And the more I do that, the more I find my voice and speak up for my needs, the stronger I'll become in my recovery and confidence.  One day at a time...easy does it!  But, progress feels good!

Day 110 - The Power of a Question

I was talking to a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation.  At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right!  There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way.  I might have been spared some pain.

But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion!  I never asked for help.  I never sought counsel.  And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice.  They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place.  If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat?  And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing.  Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!

So why am I putting this on them?!?  It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability!  What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice.  That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives.  It's still up to me to make choices and take action.  But it helps me with different points of view.  It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability.  I know I didn't "put those vibes off."  If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!

It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives.  They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?

Day 100 - In these rooms we will find each other...

It's been an amazing couple of weeks.  I'm sure every addict early in recovery eventually reaches the point where they meet someone "in the rooms" who they used to know in active addiction.  (In the rooms is an expression to indicate someone in recovery, attending self-help groups, in treatment...basically, getting the help they need.)  In the past couple of weeks, I've found three people from my past in some stage of recovery or ready to try recovery.  It's a pretty powerful experience for me to see that "from the other side." 


Connection #1: One friend is...I'll be honest...right on the fence. When he first talked to me, he had 20 days of clean time. As I listened to him tell his story, there was still a lot of "I" and "control" and "for now."  For now, I choose not to drink. For now, I choose not to drug. But, you know, there may be a point where I can get it back under control.  I say this not in a judging manner at all because I've been there, but he doesn't understand it yet. But, I listened...I asked open ended questions without hidden expectations...I didn't judge...I didn't lecture him.  I know what that felt like to me when others lectured me, or told me what to do, or "scared me" into getting help. It just pushed me away from those people. So I listened and I pray for him. My guess is he won't make it to 30 days.  I pray he will and I pray at some point, at only 31 years old, that he will see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...and make differenct choices.


Connection #2: Then, I got a call from a friend the other day who I believe has been a dry drunk quite honestly for the past several months. He has been white knuckling it and not drugging for 6-9 months. But, again not judging or saying what is right for anyone, he has been struggling with the real problem -- life.  He is still bitter at the world and his circumstances.  He has been very proud of himself because he managed to not drink or use for so long...this time.  I've been there.  I've tried to stop myself.  We've all been there at some point thinking we could do this on our own.  We can't.

He shared with me that he recently slipped and used again. I actually say use again, not relapsed, because one of the things I learned in treatment is you can't relapse if you've never been in recovery! Recovery means healing and work in all areas - physical (i.e. the drinking or drugging) as well as the spiritual and mental aspects of our disease. It doesn't prescribe how one works a program of recovery -- self help groups, treatment, personal spiritial journey, etc.  But, as a dry drunk, as a white-knuckler who on his own strength and willpower is simply getting by without drinking or drugging...it's not a relapse.

Of course, it's not for me to say if someone is an addict or not, if someone is working a program or not. My #1 goal is to stay sober and in recovery - and that's my program...not someone else's.  I'm just grateful that he came asking for help, asking to try something different. I embraced him and am equally ecstatic for him as my first friend because he is ready to make some different choices.

It was funny - I told him that I knew this was going to happen. He looked at me and asked, "how did you know?"  I replied, "because from what I could see, I believe you were white knuckling it. You even used the words tonight - you thought you had this under control. If there is one thing I've learned since that night in December is I can't do this. I tried - I even got to the point where I stopped trying to stop. It's not because of my will power or my strength.  And it's not because of my weakness that I either stay sober or relapse. It is simply because of the grace of my Higher Power, the strength I find in self-help groups and my program, and the fellowship of another addict in recovery."

What an amazing chain of events.  My second friend has started to see the truth in recovery, the hope in recovery...he's looking for different answers. May he find the strength in his Higher Power to continue to make different choices...


Connection #3: Then last Friday, I was sitting in a meeting. We had already started; people were reading some of the introductory texts. A guy walked in and sat down next to me. I looked over and did a double-take...but told myself No, impossible...couldn't be.  Then we sat for a couple seconds and he looked over at me.  All of a sudden, he bursted out, called out my name and gave me a huge bear hug. We embraced for what seemed like the entire hour. It was a deep, heartfelt hug. On my part, it was of surprise, of joy, of hope...because the man sitting next to me...the man wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug of life...was my former drug dealer. This was the guy from whom I bought my weekly stash of meth all of 2009 and most of 2008! The last time I bought from him...$400 worth...over twice my normal amount...was the weekend I hit bottom and found recovery. I never once expected to see him in the rooms. He always struck me as a decent guy - apart from dealing, someone I would have hung out with at a bar-b-que or had over to hang out with friends. But I knew how deep he was into his addiction. Yet, clearly, his Higher Power had been working in his life. I was overjoyed!

The entire meeting, we kept catching each other out of the corner of our eyes...and smiling...and slapping each other on the leg, acknowledging the amazement and joy we were both experiencing. I tried to pay attention during the meeting, yet kept wandering...I was overwhelmed with joy, and disbelief, and amazement, and belief, and gratitude -- all mixed up in this confusing jumbled mess.

We talked a little and agreed to catch up. There were five other people in the room that night for whom this was their prior dealer...he shared that with me without breaking their anonymity. I started thinking...it would be very easy to be angry, scared, confused, resentful.  I could see not wanting him around because the situation could be uncomfortable...could bring back too many memories. But, by the grace of God, I'm at a different place. I was so overjoyed that here, another child of God, another broken soul, another person with that gaping whole in his heart, his soul, his being. We had all tried to fill that with drugs, and alcohol and other escapes. And, here he was...and like the prodigal son, you know, what a great joy to have him back. I'm just so thankful. We've all earned our right to be in these rooms.



I look back on these two weeks and am overwhelmed with joy. I'm still a newcomer.  I'm still in my first year of recovery. I still have a LOT to learn.  It's like I've said - I'm learning my ABC's and 123's all over again.  There are still days where I'm blown away by the experiences, learning and growth.  But I'm so thankful that I'm able to be there and see other people -- not just newcomers but people that I knew in active addiction -- who have found this great new life.  Some will make it, some won't...some are there, some aren't quite there...  But these are the still suffering addicts for whom we pray on a regular basis. I'm thankful someone somewhere, sometime prayed for me...

Day 93 - ETOH, self-help groups and other secrets...

I was driving through town today and noticed a church sign that listed an Al-Anon meeting during the week. I remember thinking to myself, "I wonder if they have NA or AA meetings. Is there a reason why they choose not to list those?" I understand the power of anonymity -- the underpinning of self-help groups.  So by all means, I'm not challenging the need.  But, I've been recently pondering how far we've come in understanding and accepting alcoholism in society, particularly since the founding of AA. However in many ways, it's still the white elephant in the room. I recently heard of a funeral where the family wanted no mention of the deceased's alcoholism, from which he ultimately died even though he was in recovery and sober. Again, I fully respect the family's choice and am in no means discounting their wishes. However had it been cancer or diabetes or a host of other medical conditions, it would likely not have been an issue to mention. In fact, one's battle with cancer is often seen as a source of inspiration given the great courage and selflessness often seen in cancer patients. Why are we not able to equally celebrate the personal courage and spiritual healing seen in the lives of alcoholics and addicts, whether in life or death? There is still much shame associated with the disease of addiction.  Though we've come a long way, there is still much ignorance (lack of knowledge) about it.


As a gay man, I know that ignorance breeds fear and fear can lead to death. Likewise, ignorance of addiction can literally lead to death -- poor choices and lack of support for the suffering addict. The need for education about how to better understand, detect and support addicts seeking recovery is reflected in my story -- a "closet meth user." With one exception, all of my close friend, family and work colleagues were SHOCKED when I "came out of the meth closet."  I didn't fit their stereotype of a meth user. And clearly, my employer lacks knowledge of this disease given their choice of action, in my humble opinion. I'm still blessed with the path I'm on and have no regrets - I'm where I need to be. But that doesn't take away my disappointment and frustration with their lack of institutional knowledge on the subject. As a leader in the pharmaceutical industry for cancer, diabetes, mental illness, etc., they seek better health outcomes for their patients. Yet they lack a basic understanding of how to provide critical education & awareness to enable better health outcomes for their employees who may struggle with alcoholism or drug addiction.


We've come so far, yet have so far to go...


I learned of another example today while surfing the web for information and sites around addiction. I learned of a term ETOH at http://www.addict-help.com/etoh.asp. 

"ETOH has other applications as well. For example, some hospitals, med technicians and medical facilities. It would seem to have been developed as a way of disguising the word alcohol to keep the fact that a person had been drinking from being disclosed." 

Given the possible side effects of alcohol withdrawal, this knowledge can prove critical to a patient's treatment. So, it's relevant information for medical staff to have. This strikes me as another situation where the societal stigma still associated with alcoholism and addiction might be playing out. It's the white elephant - we aren't supposed to bring it up, or talk about it. And yet, undiagnosed - or unaware - it can kill.  Again, I understand the need for the hospital to take such precautions and respect a patient's privacy. But again - if they had diabetes or hemophilia - an individual or family wouldn't hesitate to share that in hospital. But, being severely intoxicated and possibly suffering from the disease of alcoholism can't be discussed. 

Has anyone seen a white elephant in the room?  

If so, please notify the nurses' station immediately.

I know this doesn't directly relate to my recovery -- but it seems like the societal stigma and associated shame individuals have about addiction can have an impact if it leads to lack of awareness or intervention. If it prolongs someone from asking for help or sparks actions which create more risk to one's recovery, then it becomes very relevant. If better patient outcomes really is the goal of the US healthcare system, then we must face the social aspects of the disease as well as the treatment needs of the afflicted.


But, easy does it...for now, my focus must be on recovery not social revolution ;)

Day 90 - Pregnant, PAWS or life?

These last days have felt like being on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm joyous and full of life, the next I'm anxious and paralyzed; I get easily irritated around other people and feel lonely when I'm by myself; I'm optimistic and glad for the changes in my life, then I get angry, sad and scared. I've become obsessed with certain matters needing resolution, and have blissfully ignored others...arguably more urgent and of higher priority.  What's going ON!?!  I feel like I'm either pregnant, experiencing PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome), or life.  Since medically speaking I'm unable to get pregnant - being a man ;) - my guess is a combination of PAWS and life.

I've been told there's a reason they give 30, 60, 90 day and 6 month, year and 18 month tokens. One often suffers from physical & mental affects of PAWS (http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm) around those intervals. So, in addition to just giving stepping stones of success along the way, they are designed to give an extra "boost" to the recovering alcoholic or addict who is likely +/- a week hitting some of the symptoms of PAWS and beginning to wonder.  I hit it at 50 days...and around 85 days :)  These past days, it feels like I've been using again!  Friday night, I was basically up all night.  I was wired - partially anxious about my legal situation - but mainly wired.  I got about 2 hours of sleep...literally.  Finally, at 3:30am, I got up and did work around the house! I've been a bit edgy, distracted as if with ADD while also laser-like in single-tasking, and emotionally charged. Hmm...let's look up side-effects of crystal meth...sounds like much the last 18 months of my life on meth!

I also think I'm experiencing some of the frustration of the "meth wall."  

Meth addicts get over the acute effects of withdrawal fairly quickly. However, the "wall" period lasts 6-8 months for casual users and 2-3 years for regular users. (Some people never recover and remain unsatisfied with life due to permanent brain damage.) This is a period of prolonged abstinence during which the brain recovers from the changes resulting from meth use. During this period, recovering addicts feel depressed, fuzzyheaded, and think life isn't as pleasurable without the drug. 

Although life is pleasurable and I'm feeling things once again, the depression and fuzzyheaded-ness is playing tricks with my mind.


Of course, then there's life.  I have said I want to experience life on life's terms...not on the terms of a meth addict! And I do mean that!  But with that comes - ups and downs; people, places and things that frustrate me; feelings and emotions. All that sh*& I escaped from...the loss, the grieving, the frustration, the emptiness.  It's all here - in living colour - in hi-definition - in surround sound!  And sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming!  But, I know it's better than the alternative...so I pray for serenity -- look for the good -- and turn things over to my Higher Power.  It's sometimes harder said than done because it's a new habit...I forget...I get caught up in old ways of thinking. But, when I do remember...or get reminded by those around me in recovery...it gets better.


The other thing I'm realizing is that for the past 90 days (!), I've largely lived in an either a sheltered world of recovery (in- and out-patient; twelve step meetings) or an isolated world at home, away from people and "life."  Since I've lost my job, the extremes have compounded.  For the most part, I'm either in recovery meetings or at home...with some volunteering at church.  When I have been social, it's been 1:1 with people I love, who care for me and who listen & share. Frankly, it's been somewhat self-centered; to a certain extent, it has probably needed to be that way.  I'm learning to live & think differently - to wear a new pair of glasses, as the book goes.  So, to a certain extent, it's been 90 days "about me."  And that's ok.  But now, I'm trying to expand that circle & return to reality -- to go out with folks before/after meetings; to forge new friendships & get to know people; to face some pretty tough legal and employment challenges. And, that puts me "back in real life" -- where it's not all about me, where there are people who are bitter & angry as well as peaceful & joy-filled.  And simply put - I'm not used to that!  For the past 90 days of recovery - and the prior 2+ years of heaving using...it's either been about me, or I've numbed myself from reality! 


So, I just put that out there for me to remember looking back.  I'm where I need to be... It's ok to be human and make mistakes... I don't have to get along with everyone... and life does have challenges which I can face with the grace & strength of my HP, through which I will grow stronger and survive -- and be far better off on the other side. 

For that, I'm grateful.  

For now, I must slow down, breathe and give myself a break...


Good night.  Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!  By the grace of god...

Day 85 - Naming, blessing and embracing my talents

I was meeting with a friend yesterday and he introduced me to a small group of men doing some amazing work with youth and community (http://kheprw.org/). In introducing me, he named what he saw as my gifts. He mentioned that I was creative and a connector. For many years, I've balked at being called creative. I don't see myself as such. But, now, in a more humble manner of listening and removing my own ego...I'm able to hear more what others see in me. And, I'm more open to embracing those talents, those gifts -- naming and blessing and celebrating them.

Along those lines, I was recently reconnected with a man who had a great influence on my life as an elementary school teacher. As a young boy of 10 years old moving from Louisiana to Canada, I remember facing the teasing from my peers, having a funny accent. ;) I was also young and short for my age. Skipped a grade while in Canada made that "difference" even more pronounced. There were two men - Mr. Rogers and Mr. Heady - who went out of their way to make me feel welcome. They "took me under their wings" and broke down the barriers my accent created, and helped me connect with the students. I have ALWAYS shared fondly of my time in Sarnia and spoken of these two men. Well, recently, a friend from Sarnia connected with me on Facebook and told me that Mr. Rogers was looking to reconnect with students. What a great blessing! And as we started to reconnected, Mr. Rogers wrote back, "Remember you as one of those students who brought the fire for learning to class every day."

So completing that spirit of naming by gifts -- some of them I see more fully today are...curious; connector; creative; fire for learning.