Day 144 - Being strong got me here; being weak will get me through

They say that my stinking thinking got me here...that if I really was "all that" and knew what to do, how did I end up broken, at the bottom, choosing between death and life?  Therefore, as I came into recovery, I was asked to show openness, humility and willingness -- to remain teachable.  After all, it was my thinking that GOT me here!  It was me trying to be strong - to be in control - to be self-reliant.

In my morning devotional this morning, I was reminded of this...TWICE!  I particularly like the one book's way of framing things.

"Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources."

Yesterday, we spend the day at the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  I walked through the exhibit on The Power of Children Making A Difference - the story of Ryan White, Anne Frank and Ruby Bridges.  One quote in the Ryan White exhibit caught my eye.  Shawn Decker, a contemporary of Ryan White who also contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion, later said "You may discover that your greatest 'flaw' is in fact your greatest asset."

God has blessed me with the grace and willingness to share my story - to use my stigmatized affliction to educate, influence, support & encourage.  In doing so, it helps me find purpose and in turn, increase my chances of staying clean & sober.  I can't keep it if I don't give it away, they say.  I don't know where this journey will take me -- I just need to keep doing what they told me to do when I came in the doors.  Remain open, willing and honest...and let my Higher Power be in control.  It's in my weakness that He can do great things.

Day 142 - Taking back control...a lesson in self-will

I've learned recently that my recovery isn't just about admitting I'm powerless over my addictions.  It's really about admitting I'm powerless over life in general.  Life happens.  I'm learning how to live it on life terms, not the terms of a meth addict.  In doing so, I must learn to give up control.  Otherwise, the stress and futility of being back in the driver's seat will drive me to drink or use again.  Literally.

As I learned this painful lesson, I started to incorporate admitting I'm powerless over x, y, z in life into my daily prayers.  Every morning now, I turn over the sale of my house, my job search, and my legal situations to my Higher Power, admitting I'm powerless over their outcomes and leaving them in His hands.  I do the legwork -- "do the next right thing" to make sure I'm doing my part.  But, beyond that, it's out of my hands.

I do pretty well with the legal situation - because in my heart, I know I'm truly incapable of influencing the outcome.  The best I can do is stay clean and sober -- the rest is up to the lawyers and the judge.  But, in situations like the sale of my house, it's easy for me to get "conned" into taking control back over.  That happened this week for me - and it was a lesson in self-will.

I had a project to finish - laying flooring in one room.  It's been a need long before I got clean and sober -- another unfinished project.  As an active addict, I didn't care.  As a recovering addict, I still fall into those patterns of thinking sometimes.  But, I realize that I'm also afraid of failure - of screwing it up.  Without realizing it, that fear grips me and keeps me sometimes from even starting, from even trying.  I'm also a perfectionist.  And again, without realizing it, sometimes the fear of not doing something perfectly keeps me from doing it at all.  Sound logic right - if I never do something, I can't fail...and I can't do it incorrectly (not perfectly) if I don't do it at all!  (And sometimes I question whether I really need to be restored to sanity - to sound thinking, with sound judgement!!!)

I know that approach is not realistic...and it's not living life on life's terms!

But more importantly this time, I now realize that I put SO much pressure on myself to get the project done before the next showing that I started to believe that the outcome of the next showing was 100% dependent on the project being done.  If I didn't do this, the house wouldn't sell!  I had taking back control of the house sale.  It wasn't the realtor, it wasn't the buyer, it wasn't my Higher Power controlling the outcome.  It was CT -- and the awaiting floors.  About mid-way through the project -- when it was clear I wasn't going to finish in time, after procrastinating and dawdling, I kinda lost it.  I got frustrated and stressed enough that I threw the hammer down (on the sub-flooring thank goodness!) and screamed out loud -- "I can't do this - this is crazy."  In my mind, I was telling myself I was stupid, incapable, hopeless...nothing had changed and I was just as crazy as before.   The next thought in that sequence would be "so I might as well go back and use, cause at least I'd feel good!"

I stopped, and took a deep breath.  By God's grace, I realized I needed to shift my thinking...or this would continue, and that next thought would come to mind and perhaps, get played out.  That was my normal pattern - - get frustrated and overwhelmed, but in true competitive spirit, never admit defeat.  With the tools of recovery, I had a choice.  I could change the direction of my stinking thinking!

So, I stood up and stopped.  I went downstairs and laid down.  I started to pray, to re-center on my Higher Power and the spiritual truth that I wasn't in control - He was.  The outcome of the house sale wasn't in my hands - it was in His.  The sale did NOT depend, as arrogant and self-centered as it now sounds, on the sole effort of laying new flooring in the room!

I let go, and let God back in.

Now, do I still need to do the legwork - yes.  Should I continue to procrastinate and let fear grip me - no.  But, can I do the legwork in a calm, peaceful and joyful manner, knowing where it fits into the bigger picture?   Absolutely.

So, I think I'll hop out (again) of the driver's seat and settle back in for the ride.  I have a much better chance of getting where I need to go! ;)

Day 135 - Power-packed healing from my past

Yesterday was a POWERFUL day of healing for me.  I think there are probably about 3 posts in here!  But let me get started and see where this goes!

I've shared before that I was fired after 19+ years with the same company related to my addiction. I've learned that resentment can be the downfall of an addict -- my downfall.  So I've worked hard to turn this over to my Higher Power so it doesn't eat at me.  Almost every morning, I include prayers for the people involved.  It usually goes "I pray for C, S, L and others involved in the decision that they may grow in their understanding of addiction."  I learned somewhere that if I'm pissed off at someone, praying for them helps shift the focus towards compassion, understanding and love.  It's been helping.   But, I learned an even deeper lesson this morning.

Yesterday, I had three separate incidents where people from my old place of employment showed a "personal touch" to my situation and helped restore some of my faith in people.  Again, more lessons to sum up - but let me highlight the three situations (for my own memory!)

First, I got a note from a colleague.  The portable PC/video projectors from my former teams are labelled per the administrative custom with my last name -- so SMITH#1, SMITH#2.  It helps with the scheduling, tracking, etc.  One went missing so one of the area AA's sent out an email to the building - "Projector Smith#2 is missing."  It sparked an email from my colleague: "This reminded me that the REAL Smith #1 is missing from our midst!   Hope you are doing well...think of you often and miss you here."  That meant SO much to me!  I know in the recent months & years before recovery, my reputation as a leader and people-person had suffered.  I own that.  But, amidst that, it's comforting to know that it wasn't all negative...I still have people that see through that and know, love and miss me.  Wow.

Second, I was talking to my dad about the situation leading up to my termination.  He hadn't want to tell me this earlier, but shared with me that after I was fired, he actually wrote the president of the division (F.) in which I worked about my situation, asking that the company reconsider their actions.  That BLEW me away.  I know my dad loves me and he has been an amazing support.  It hasn't been overbearing or codependent - just a healthy, supportive love.  For him to have taken the time to "go to bat for me" meant a lot to me.  But again, it didn't stop there.  The president (who I have interacted with a number of times and for whom I have a LOT of respect) actually wrote back!  And, it wasn't a form letter, blowing my dad off.  It was a personal letter, written and signed by F.  He said he looked into the situation -- and knowing F., he did.  He's just that sort of man - he has that sort of character - and amidst the responsibilities, pressure and situations he's faced with, he has managed to maintain a personal touch and concern for the people in his organization.  Wow.

Finally, I reached out to a former colleague who is fairly high up in the organization.  Like F., she is at the executive level, interacts with C-level management, etc.  On a personal level, she carefully looked into some questions I had and responded to me.  Without getting into the details, she shared some facts that restored my faith in some people involved.  When I hung up I was overwhelmed.  Again, like F., her true personal character shined through the processes, the bureaucracy and administrivia.  She demonstrated that amidst it all, people can still show the personal touch...the care, concern to "do the right thing."  Even if she and F. couldn't change the situation, they took the time to look around and respond.  That meant a lot to me.  Wow.


So how does this all fit together?  What was my HP trying to teach me?  Well, like an onion I probably only have the first layer.  But here's how those three came together.

Last night I had a dream.  In that dream, the company was trying to send me a final check.  But, due to a mixup with the printing, the computer, the process -- we all know how that can work against us! -- the check couldn't be processed automatically in the system.  They were stuck - they couldn't do what was needed to be done!  And, in many places & times,  But, the CEO got involved and said, "just get me the old checkbook and we'll write CT the check and take care of this."  And, so I was handed a personally signed check -- written out to me, in his hand, signed with his actual signature.  And, I literally woke up crying.  Honest.  The dream was so real, I woke up crying.

As I thought about it -- and prayed..."God, what are you showing me?" I got my answer.

First, the tears were not of sorrow. They were of healing.

Second, all of those mornings that I prayed for C, S, L and others...I now realize they were just cogs in a wheel -- part of the necessary processes and bureaucracy of a large organization.  I wanted to be angry at them and make them out to be the bad guys.  But, I learned some facts that would indicate that's not the case - that they did care about me, my situation...but were trapped, limited in what they could do.  While that doesn't necessarily mean the organization made the right decision (IMHO), it allows me to forgive them as human beings involved, and see them with compassion.  Like I've learned elsewhere, hurting people hurt.  Well, just because people stuck in the bureaucracy of an organization hurt others, it doesn't make them bad people.  Corporate people hurt...in a sense.

Third, I realized that while I was praying for them to grow in their understanding, ultimately, I was the one who needed to grow.  I was the one who needed healing.  And, God did just that.  Not me - Him.  In praying for others -- in doing the next right thing and staying centered, by God's grace, in a spiritual place, God ultimately worked on my heart and helped me forgive and let go on an even deeper level.  Some of the forgiveness I had experienced to date was on a somewhat shallow level -- and necessarily so.  I was going through the motions - not in a bad way.  I needed to keep praying for forgiveness and compassion even if I didn't feel it as deeply as I should.  In doing that...over and over and over...God slowly changed my heart.


I have heard stories of our CEO doing some pretty amazing things to make a difference - personally.  Again, without getting in the details, I can remember specific situations where he intervened and "did the right thing," adding a personal touch to a pretty public company position on a very sensitive issue.  In doing so, I grew to respect him personally as a leader - as a man of character.  And, through the actions of the three people yesterday -- underscored by my dream -- some of my faith in the company, in the people of the company, to "do the right thing," was restored.  As the leader of the company, his character shines through -- people are able to follow his lead -- and I know that all is not lost just because of one incident...it's not black or white, good or bad...there is still respect for people.

What healing...what growth...what insights.  By God's grace...

Day 126 - Hurting people hurt...so find the source of the pain!

A friend of mine shared this catch phrase with me last week and it has stuck with me.  This concept has helped me in the past as I grew to understand it.  It aligns with Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication that I've been incorporating into my life over time.  And it described me today!  I lashed out at someone, creating an opportunity to make an amends!  As someone once said, put down the shovel and stop digging...  I have another hole to fill in.

But, the real question is...what was the source of my pain, causing me to hurt...

I've been in a mood since yesterday and I've been trying to figure it out.  I've lapsed into a little of my cross-addiction behaviors -- spending time chatting online, looking to fill an emptiness.  But, this time I've stopped doing and running and tried to figure out what's going on.  That's one of the tools I've learned -- interrupt the cycle, the normal behavior pattern where situation drives a feeling and feeling creates a behavior.  That gives me a chance to alter the behavior...thus keeping my feelings from controlling my behaviors!  And more importantly, allows me to feel what I need to feel instead of running from them!

I meditated this morning in the shower (it's works for me!)  And, a lightbulb finally went on. 

I figured out what event created the feelings of loneliness, that were driving the behavior to chat and "act out."  My cross addiction is people - relationships - sex.  I use them to avoid feeling loss or grief; it's essentially using people to numb my feelings.  But I know it doesn't make them go away.  I also know they aren't bad feelings - they are expected, normal, nothing to be afraid of.  But for years - decades - I've "used" people to hide from my feelings just like I've used drugs and alcohol.  And part of my recovery is working to align my behaviors with my values. I value people as children of god. I value intimacy, and sex as a means of expressing that intimacy in a loving relationship.  So, having anonymous sex isn't aligned with those values.  Even casual sex with friends gets confusing and creates other feelings that usually don't help what I'm going through. 

As I start to work more on my cross-addiction, I'm wanting to find a different way to relate to people that meets my needs more effectively. I'm not there yet - but this time at least I stopped myself, and took some time to figure out why.  And now, instead of numbing, I can take time to grieve the losses in my life -- experience the feelings, the sadness, the regret, the anger.  And then, as those feelings get worked through in a healthy way, they pass...  And in doing so, I learn that feelings don't have to control my behaviors. 

So although I have an amends to make because of my pain, I was able to notice the behavior and stop myself...and figure out what was going on.  I figured out what I was feeling on multiple levels and why.  I dug through recent days to understand the event that triggered the feelings, but also the unresolved loss from my past.  It was unresolved because in my active addiction and using, I never allowed myself to fully experience the grief that comes from loss...the sadness, the regret, the emptiness.  And my "familiar" patterns of addiction were trying to rear their ugly heads.  It's easier for me to avoid my feelings -- numb them -- or lash out, act out elsewhere so as to divert my attention!  But, slowly, with each day of my recovery, I'm learning a different pattern...find the pain, work through it, and move on.

Day 121 - A Lesson on Self Reliance

A friend B. shared his "defining moment" story with me this week.  At the age of 21, he broke his neck in a diving accident.  In those moments just after his dive, as he lay in the water face down, he learned the most valuable lesson of his life.  A self-reliant swimmer and athlete, his first instinct was to turn himself over and save himself.  Just do something.  But he couldn't.  His second instinct was to reach out for help.  He could hear the voices of his fellow students on shore.  They were accusing him of playing games and were laughing, ignoring him.  Just do something.  But others would not come to his aid. His last instinct was to pray.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.

The rest of B's story was full of what can only be described as miracles.  Once told he would be a quadriplegic and never leave an assisted living home in order to spare his parents the grief of caring for him, he is now a father of three, a successful IT professional and an inspiring man of faith.  

He told me his story because he used to work for me - knew my story of recovery - and wanted me to know his.  He saw a lot of similarities in me from where he was prior to his "defining moment."  Self reliant - confident - in control.  And he wanted me to know for sure how far that would not get me!  I love the way he talks about his realization in the water...self - no; others - no; God - yes.  

In sharing his story, he challenged me to take time during my "sabbatical" to get to know my Higher Power.  He challenged me to contemplate who God is.  In doing so, I realized another Book I need to spend more time in...the Bible!  Starting with the Psalms...Psalm 120 was B's motivation.  I'll start there.

What an amazing gift he has given me in his challenge.  I have the time!   And I had a dream last night which has me reflecting on a way to help with that contemplation.  So, I'll continue to let that "percolate" -- and see where things lead.

Day 120 - Family ties that burden our hearts

The devotional I read this morning spoke to the family ties with this disease.  Addiction is a family disease but we could only change ourselves.  As an engineer, three data points make a trend.  And I had MORE than three data points on this in the past 24 hours.  So, I'm moved to share.

I already mentioned the woman who came up to me after my mini-lead at church on Sunday, asking if we could meet sometime to talk about her son who she believes is in addiction.  That's been weighing on my mind.  What can I do to help?  What can I say to ease her burden?  What have I learned through my experience?

To add to the trend,  I saw someone from my past yesterday who is struggling again with her addiction...suicidal, bitter, wondering what is left in life.  I was at a loss for what to say.  I had lunch with a friend today who's ex-spouse went through a similar "full regiment" of treatment to mine.  She is back in active addiction, which is tearing their 13 year old daughter apart. Tonight, I had dinner with a friend whose two children are addicts as well.  He shared of the painful anguish he went through watching them suffer in past years - they are thankfully in recovery today but I could feel the past weariness in his voice.  I have a close family member who is in active addiction; she is never far from my heart as I think of her denial.  And this evening before going to bed, I got a lengthy email from a former colleague who's brother is starting down the long road of recovery -- and the painful "tough love" choices her family has had to make over the years.  Clearly, the message of family ties in addition and recovery was the focus of my thoughts today.

The answers to these situation are so tough.  I know - I'm there myself.  And I see it in others' eyes and hear the grief in their voice. I remember my inpatient roommate Michael B's father's voice when we talked on the phone about Michael's relapse during treatment after inpatient.  They had used their life savings to send him to rehab at the age of 24.  For years, they could not trust Michael to be in their home unsupervised.  He broke into my house and stole from me - an inexpensive lesson for me early on about trusting fellow addicts in early recovery.  I could hear the grief in his father's voice that night - yet I'm sure he was no longer able to shed a tear.  They had been through so much, but knew the best thing was to let go.  Today, God only knows where Michael B is...

As family members -- mothers, sisters, sons, spouses, brothers, fathers -- there is so much we want to do, but so little we can do on our own.  The devotional continued this morning our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn it is better to leave them in our Higher Power's care.  I am so used to doing, helping...and yet, in these close blood relationships, it's the most dangerous thing I can probably do.  It can do more harm - I know what it was like for me when someone close tried too hard out of love...the emotional ties were too strong for the assistance to be of much help.  It only sent me further into my addiction.

So what then?

Do we sit back and watch our loved ones suffer?  Go to jail?  Lose everything?  Lose hope?

No.  Don't just do something.  Stand there.


Well, kneel there...and pray.  Turn it over to my Higher Power.  It really tests my faith.  Do I believe in the power of prayer?  Can I really let go of the need to DO SOMETHING?!  Can I let go and let god?

I think back now on my church's prayer chain, praying for me as soon as I called 911.  I know my mom enlisted multiple prayer chains in New Jersey for me.  My sister had my listed with her church.  And I can see the results today...my Higher Power at work in my life.

And yet, I face my family members addiction...or the conversation with the woman from church...and I wonder what to say.  I doubt the power of prayer.  Why?

Now I remember why at every meeting when we say the serenity prayer proceeded by a moment of silence for "the addict who still suffers," I whisper 4 names to myself -- Michael B and three others I will keep in my heart.  Why?  Because deep inside, I do know the power of prayer.  I believe.  I've seen it work.  For those four especially, it's all I can do.

Don't just do something.  Stand there and pray.