I reached out to a friend from my past about a month ago. M was the instructor for an intense 13 day experiential course I went through on inclusive work & interpersonal relationships...centered around diversity. We were about 18 in total -- and after bearing our souls, we ALL became a very tight knit group. In fact, my "CP family" has been very much a part of my recovery support network since inpatient.
M and I had a strong connection throughout the 2+ years I worked with the program, but when my using increased in the last year or so, I remember deliberately creating "walls" to keep her away. If anyone could figure out something was deathly wrong in my life, she could have. And I wasn't ready for that at the time. So, my "big sister" became my "distant sister" - of my doing.
When I called her recently, we played telephone tag for a couple rounds. I left a message letting her know I wanted to reconnect, that there were some changes that were going on I wanted to fill her in on. (At that point, I had been through treatment and lost my job...) I'll never forget her voicemail back to me...something to the effect of: "CT, great to hear from you. You sound fantastic, so the changes must be great! Can't wait to hear what amazing things are going on with you." What a testimony to the growth my Higher Power and program of recovery are bringing about...that it can be heard in my voice on a recording! I've had others tell me I look better, sound better...but in person! This was a first! Imagine her surprise when we finally talked on the phone...and I filled her in on my "bottom," my treatment & path of recovery, loss of job and home, etc. Life was so different from a year ago when I saw her...but oh so much better! She was speechless...I was thankful...and we had (finally!) reconnected!!!
We met tonight for dinner and brought each other up to speed. I filled in some of my past, and we were both able to understand where the walls were coming from...why even in our training, there was something I was holding back, not disclosing. She shared it was confusing at the time, because on so many fronts I was very open & honest. Now, the picture was complete...the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together. And, as all things happen for a reason and are a part of His Master Plan...it's exciting to look forward, in anticipation of where these connections and experiences will take me...
M, I love you as a sister. I'm thankful you hung with me -- kept me in your thoughts and prayers -- kept loving me. You're part of my story...you know how you accelerated my recovery by a week to 10 days! I so want to pay it all forward and share what has been so freely given to me...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Day 110 - The Power of a Question
I was talking to a friend yesterday. We were talking about a situation in my life in the past where as I look back, I began to wonder why none of my friends offered up their opinions on the situation. At the end - when it was all over and I had been through some painful lessons - I seemed to get opinions and thoughts left and right! There was a part of me that wished those friends had spoken up earlier and shared their concerns along the way. I might have been spared some pain.
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
But what I realized as I reflected more was...I never asked anyone for their opinion! I never asked for help. I never sought counsel. And most people, myself included, are probably not going to offer up unsolicited advice. They may not be aware of a struggle or a doubt - or they may just not feel it's their place. If it looked like I was happy and confident in my decisions, then why rock the boat? And I'm great at wearing that mask -- all is ok, I'm in control, I know what I'm doing. Why would anyone do otherwise than go along with me!
So why am I putting this on them?!? It's easy to play the victim and not take accountability! What I realize is I have a role in making myself vulnerable, asking a question, seeking advice. That opens up a dialogue and invites other perspectives. It's still up to me to make choices and take action. But it helps me with different points of view. It humbles me, gets my ego out of the way, and creates an openness and teachability. I know I didn't "put those vibes off." If I don't come across as open, teachable, humble...why am I surprised at the response I get?!
It was a real insight and learning for me about the power of a question -- seeking counsel and asking for different perspectives. They may not come naturally otherwise...and how richer my life could be (and possibly less painful!) by having that insight & experience?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Day 106 - Using Dreams, Change and Uncertainty
I've been sleeping very poorly for the last couple nights because of a chest/sinus infection. But I can't really say my sleeping has been normal since I got out of treatment. I generally still have to use a non-narcotic sleeping aid to get through the night. But, the last couple of nights have been unbearable with the congestion.
I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment. I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated. But my heart's not in it. I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.
I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern. Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head. I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours. I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest. This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment. I don't need to be obsessing about this. The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent! So, I'm trying to put that aside.
Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off. So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams. And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears. I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out. I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.
I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!). I got down on my knees and started to pray. I asked my Higher Power to take this away. I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God! I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing. But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley! It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience. The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take. Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!
I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines. The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?" I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship. And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster. I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently. It's just getting there!
In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period. It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors. Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice. It doesn't happen in 90 days! On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth. So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next. I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen. But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome. It's just finding that balance.
The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore. I can face life. I can face the uncertainty. I can face the challenges. I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!
I also had another using dream last night - the second one in a week. I'm learning to listen to what that's telling me about what I'm experiencing and feeling. I'm heading home today after visiting my sister and her family. I had a great visit - but I know I have to hit the job search even harder when I get home. That creates a bunch of anxiety, anger and resentment. I have made a couple applications and have my resume updated. But my heart's not in it. I'm still wondering a little about what direction I should be heading now. I just don't know what I want to do next for sure. I think that is causing me to be stressed and restless.
I've also been VERY obsessed about some legal matters that are resulting from my discharge. These are indirect to my actual case and arrest. As such, it should NOT be my primary focus or concern. Yet one night at my sister's, I woke up and couldn't put the matter out of my head. I tossed and turned and mulled over angles for two hours. I finally got up - wrote some stuff down - and was able to get some rest. This matter can easily lead to more anger and resentment. I don't need to be obsessing about this. The fact that I'm not "more worried" about my direct case and my job search is a bit concerning to a certain extent! So, I'm trying to put that aside.
Being away from home...being sick... What little routine I do have is off. So I can understand where this is all coming from - the stress, the more frequent using dreams. And after last night's dream, I woke up and was in tears. I felt scared, lonely, tired, worn out. I started to think about the next couple of days and it started to get overwhelming.
I did the only thing I knew to do at that point (apart from call someone, but I didn't think it warranted a call at 2am!). I got down on my knees and started to pray. I asked my Higher Power to take this away. I needed to turn it over and let Him take care of this -- Let Go and Let God! I know even now that this whole situation will work out and I'll be far better off for it -- I know it's a blessing. But, going through the valley, it's hard for me sometimes to keep that perspective...particularly when I don't know how long I'll be in the valley! It's kind of like when you go on a road trip - at least in my experience. The ride there always seems longer than coming home because there are a lot of unknowns; you don't know how long it's going to take. Coming home, you've already been down the road and you know what to expect!
I was listening to a podcast on the way home today along these lines. The guys was talking about a period in his life where he had a lot of ups and downs. He wondered out loud..."If an up period came out of the down period, then was it really a down period?" I know that there will be an amazing up period -- an amazing result from all of this change and relative hardship. And I know that at some point, my life will stabilize and I won't be on such an emotional roller coaster. I'll be more comfortable with my feelings and will be able to manage them more consistently. It's just getting there!
In the same podcast, I was reminded -- working through a strong initial foundation of recovery is easily a an 18 month to 2 year period. It takes time to get through the challenges in early recovery and develop new thinking and behaviors. Getting those to be consistent takes time and practice. It doesn't happen in 90 days! On the practical side, too, there is a whole settling in to new jobs, living situation, etc. that takes time apart from the inner growth. So, in a way - this is a great reminder to be patient, to let go. It reminds me that I'm not in control, I can't figure it all out or predict what's next. I have to keep trying things, and talking with folks around me, and praying, and listening. I have to act - I can't just be waiting for things to happen. But I can't craft the answer or control the outcome. It's just finding that balance.
The using dreams are just my body's way of going back to what it knows best - what's easiest...to escape, to run, to hide, to mask the fears and uncertainty. But, when I'm awake, I know I don't have to do that anymore. I can face life. I can face the uncertainty. I can face the challenges. I don't know the outcome or the plan -- but I know that everything that has happened got me here, where I need to be. Why would that be any different going forward?!
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